the_siobhan: (flying monkeys)
a whiskey called 'Writer's Tears'

D brought this home earlier this week. He thought it was hilarious.

(OK, I think it's hilarious too.)

Most of my posts recently have been about the reading and writing thing, because quite frankly I don’t have much else going on. No money means no travel, and I've been feeling really exhausted by adult life lately so I haven't really been doing much else either.

I decided to take a break from the big book project for a while – I have to do some research to fill in some of the holes, so in the meantime I’ll work on some other ideas I have. Weekly beer-and-laptops sessions to resume shortly.

I have one more week at the temp role before I go back to the salt mines. Everybody has been lovely about telling me they wish I were staying. Even the department Director came by and told me that she tried to get me made permanent but she couldn’t get the extra budget approved. That does a lot for my confidence, I gotta tell you. I stepped away from old job because I was feeling like I was in a rut I couldn't get out of, and this makes me a lot less worried about going back and falling into the same old pit of despair.

The boys are going to a party tonight and I’ve decided I’m going to stay home and be introverted and enjoy having the house to myself. (That doesn't happen much any more.) Maybe I could do a little bit of writing. Maybe shed a tear or two.


Dec. 24th, 2015 12:51 pm
the_siobhan: (limp)
I keep meaning to post an update and then I never do. In part I think because not much seems to change week-to-week. Work kicks my ass, I go home exhausted, I try to deal with house & bills on the weekends. Lather, rinse, repeat.

This round of house-purging is almost done, fi-fucking-nally. It would be a lot faster and neater if I were capable of just looking at something and saying, "Nope, we don't need it" and throwing/giving it away. Instead it's like peeling an onion, getting rid of objects in gradual stages. Only in real life when I am confronted by an onion I just cut it in half and rip off the whole outer layer in two goes, and in the metaphor I'm restricted to taking off one skin at a time and I need recuperation periods in between. So never mind, it's nothing at all like actually peeling an onion.

Don't mind me. I have a particularly exhausting version of a cold virus and my Evil Overlords insisted everybody come start work at 8AM today so they can close the office early. There's some kind of big holiday coming up or something. Joke's on them; I'm so tired already that even that minor sleep disruption has left me so fogged and scattered I'm practically useless.

So far the living arrangements look like they might work out okay, given that we are going through the inevitable amount of knocking against each others' rough edges in such a small house. D's cats are happy with all the extra space and attention, and we all know that's the outcome that really counts. one of them in particular has decided that Axel is his second-favourite human in the world and has taken to following him around and sleeping on his desk. This makes Axel very happy because he is officially a Big Goober around animals.

Another 70 minutes and I can get the hell out of here.

See you on the flip side.
the_siobhan: (blank)
New Year's Eve party was a ton of fun. I managed to drink enough - and enough different things - to give myself a good solid hangover to ring in the year. It's been a while since I've done that. In my case hangovers are always accompanied by the lingering fear that I was a complete twat to somebody, but people keep coming back to my parties so I hope that means that maybe there is some selective memory going on.

I won't lie, the last year and a half has been tough. I don't think grief ever really gets smaller or goes away or that we ever get any better at dealing with it. (Or at least, I don't get any better at dealing with it. Maybe you all have a better handle on these things.) I think for me it just gets to be the new normal or something.


I know it's moving towards normal because lately I have been feeling that it's time to start becoming more of an active participant in my own life. So I guess that's my resolution for 2015.

We'll see what happens with that.
the_siobhan: (blowfish)
The Environment Canada site says it's currently -33 C with the wind chill. That's up five degrees from where it was this morning, but once you get below -20 I'm not sure it makes any difference.

I can usually deal pretty well with cold, but I'm running into problems with getting around because every surface is covered in ice. Getting into work requires inching along the sidewalk for the three-block walk from the bus stop. Which of course means I'm outside for ten times as long, and not able to move fast enough to keep warm. Bitching about the winter for me means bitching about the fact that apparently nobody in Toronto believes people ever walk anywhere.

Last week I finally got my vestibular testing done. Which apparently meant moving my head around with electrodes all over my face and inside my ears while various noises and substances were piped into my head. Not the most unpleasant medical test I've ever had, but right up there on the odd scale. I think I may have been thrown a bit by the fact that the ENT called it a "balance" test and I was never required at any point to do any actual balancing.

I looked back at my old entries to see if I had made any resolutions last year and the post I made a year ago just broke my heart. I was so optimistic. And what a shitbomb of a year it turned out to be.

I'm not making any fucking resolutions this year, so whatever. It's January. Moving on.
the_siobhan: (Happy Fucking New Year)
I am in a most excellent mood today.

I know there is this trope that women aren't supposed to look forward to birthdays - especially one's 50th birthday - but they always make me feel like I've managed to get away with something. "Ha, ha! Still here world! And with everything still attach... With most of my stuff still... With only a few new scar... Um. STILL HERE! HA!"

I've been stiff and achy as hell for the last couple of days solely due to overdulgence. But as I told Darrell, there are a lot worse problems one could have than access to an overabundance of rich food.

My big resolution this year is about movement. Now that I'm off the meds and my vertigo is down to a manageable background roar I can get some serious exercise in. The crutches that I used to get through all the noise in my body and my head were very useful at the time, but now they are just habits. I can put them down and spend more of my time doing stuff that engages me with the world instead of hiding from it. And Axel has the travel-bug again so we're going to look at my finances and see if we can figure out a way to make that happen this year as well.

I'm looking forward to this year. This is going to be a good one.
the_siobhan: (NaDruWriNi)
ndwn 2012

1 The goal is to drink while you write and write while you’re drunk. Drink as much as you want, write as much as you want, but be responsible and be safe.

2 NaDruWriNi is not just for bloggers. Use this as a writing exercise to free yourself of inhibitions. Write in a Moleskin. Write in a spiral notebook. Write on a bar napkin if you must. Just write.

3 If you do have a blog, post to your site. Encourage others to participate.

4 Gatherings of participants are encouraged. Post gathering info in the comments below.

5 You must tell us what you are drinking.

6 You must NOT edit anything you have written. Part of the fun of NaDruWriNi is the Freudian slips. Also, if you write by paper, post a picture of your writing to your site or to Flickr using the tag “nadruwrini2011″ so we can see your awful penmanship.

7 Make a button or steal this one.

8. Have fun.
the_siobhan: (Happy Fucking New Year)
Exactly 363 days from now, I will be 50 years old.

Well I'll be dipped.

Axel & Shannon are already plotting nefarious deeds. I am assured there will be dancing girls.

So the big question is when to have it. January 2nd is kind of a non-started because everybody is broke and wobbly after the holidays. I had my 40th in February and we had a massive blizzard. Which ended up with some good stories, but I think I'd like to have different stories after this one.

So what do you think? Spring? Summer? What works for you?
the_siobhan: (Happy Fucking New Year)
I started writing a big long post about how my resolutions worked out but sod it. Suffice to say that parts of 2011 were hard but that life is getting better all the time.

Here's to 2012. May it bring you all the things you need and more than a fair share of the things you want.
the_siobhan: It means, "to rot" (Default)
If you write down the date with the month first like the 'muricans do it, today is a palindrome.

This will be my excuse later when I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
the_siobhan: It means, "to rot" (Default)
Finished the year coughing my lungs up but in the company of some truly awesome people.

That pretty much sums up my 2009 in one sentence.
the_siobhan: It means, "to rot" (Default)
Home safe and sound. Thank you to everybody who sent birthday wishes.

One of the things about having a birthday right after New Years is that it does kind of circumvent all those virtuous resolutions about being all well-behaved in the new year.

Or maybe that's just me.

Falling down now. I'll inventory the bruises later.
the_siobhan: It means, "to rot" (Default)
the_siobhan: It means, "to rot" (Default)
It doesn't feel like a new year. More like just another point on the climb. But you know, there isn't really a bad place to sit down and pull out the map to see how far you've come.

cut for ease of skipage )
the_siobhan: It means, "to rot" (Default)
I don't normally do New Year's Resolutions - or if I do I do them on November 1. But I strongly suspect that 2006 is going to be a weird year for me, so I need all the help I can get. (Don't ask me why I think that. It's just something that has nested in my brain and won't go away.)

So I'm writing these down. Mostly so I won't forget them.

  • Get a different fucking job. One that doesn't break my back or my brain.
  • Get my back sorted out. I'm tried of being in pain.
  • Drink less. The not being in pain part should help with that.
  • Start drawing comics again. It's been years, and I miss it.
  • Write more. Finish [ profile] crazy_boat.
  • Read more. Spend some time in the library.
  • Pick up the German again. It was fun, and I really would like to get halfway decent at another language.
  • See more live shows.
  • Finish my flippin' taxes finally, and get all this paper off my damn desk.
  • Actually remember to take my vitamins every day. They help with the crazy.

I'm sure I'll think of more by the end of the day.

Got any resolutions?
the_siobhan: It means, "to rot" (Default)
On my way out of work yesterday afternoon, one of the women there called out to me, "Don't drink too much!"

I barked back at her, "Are you nuts? This is the first New Year's Eve I've had off since I started working here! Of course I'm going to drink too much!"

Mission successful, I'd say.

Woke up without a headache, but my farging back is killing me. Go fig. Chiro appointment on Monday, and since taking time off from the gym obviously isn't helping matters any, I'm going to go back to flogging myself this week. I should probably dig through my boxes and find my beginners yoga book too, since I'm getting to the point of being almost too stiff to tie my own shoes.

2005 will be the year of Change. I know this because the end of 2004 has consisted mostly of Getting Ready For Change - quit one job, getting my shit ready to quit the other one. Spent some time moving things around in my house. Spent some time moving things around in my head.

I remember reading once about a language in which the passage of time was referred in terms of walking backwards. Because we can only see where we've been. That image always sticks in my head.

At certain times, I think I can sneak a peek over my shoulder.
the_siobhan: It means, "to rot" (Default)
I don't do New Year's resolutions. But when you have something as concrete as a number clicking over, it's hard not to look at the dates on the calender as a milestone. The fact that the passing of the calender year is so closely followed by the passing of my year kinda gangs up on me.

So last year's prediction about how 2003 was going to go was pretty much right on the money. (Synopsis for those who can't be bothered to go look it up: work, work, work, work, work, fun, work, friends, work, work, work, work. Maybe I should go into "psychic readings", no? Well ok, no.)

It was full of a lot of damn good things. Turning 40, buying the new house, meeting [ profile] spiderlikefreak, meeting other good solid people who I now consider friends.

But fuck was it exhausting.

The last week of the year involved me working way too many hours at way too many things, getting not nearly enough sleep, no time for the gym or taking care of my skin, getting stuff accomplished but nothing actually finally fucking finished, plans for more work, bitchy, cranky and so fucking tired...

Enough. This is rediculous. I'm done. I can see the Big Fuckoff Wall Of Burnout approaching fast and I know from experience how much of a mess that thing makes on impact. I have no desire to go that route again.

I am most definitely not backing off -- not on the things I want. But am going to be spending a lot more time planning my attacks and a lot less time just flailing at things. An occasional good berzerker is good for the soul, but it's damn exhausting to try and keep that shit up for long.

The word of last year was freefall. This year the word is lava.

So I guess that is a resolution.

the_siobhan: It means, "to rot" (Default)
I'm sitting here at work and watching the New Year's wishes rolling in. No party for me tonight, but I'm content with that. It was only recently that I even started going to NYE parties -- they always seemed to have an underlying air of desperation that set my teeth on edge. I still won't go to bars on this night.

And as befits the season, I've been thinking about the year behind -- the last few years actually, and where I am now.

2000 was a horrible year for me. I used to joke bitterly that so many people had perpetuated the meme that the world would end in 2000 that the universe was drawn to comply.

It wasn't the beginning the bad stuff but it felt like the focal pont for a lot of it. It was the year that choices felt like mistakes. It was the year feeling like a failure. It was loss and heartbreak and depression and one-fucking-thing-after-another.

It was the one time in my life I have ever felt old.

2001 was the journey from Gevurah to Chesed. Nobody was going to be able to do this for me, I had to get myself out of the place I was in through sheer perversity. My memory of that year is one of miles and miles of plodding through endless desert.

I was alone in the work but never in the journey. Always I had guides and companions, often unexpected ones, who stuck with me in spite of the times of getting lost and dispairing and falling down and all the times it seemed like I had done nothing but make endless circles that took me right back to where I had started.

2002 was the year I looked up and realized that I had made it, that the desert was gone and that I was once again in a cool, fertile beaurtiful place. The shit is still close behind me and I can still smell the scent of burning if the wind is coming from the right direction but it is behind me now.

God, it feels good to be back.

And sometimes when I think about these things I think it must seem an over-dramatic way of describing a crap period in my life, but I don't care. Not all battles are external and not all invaders carry guns. I know I am a different person than I was three years ago.

I lost things. Important, meaningful, sometimes essential things. But blood and tears were the fertilizer for this green place where I am now, and I do not regret those deaths.

Life is good.


the_siobhan: It means, "to rot" (Default)

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