Hemlock B Bootsalotta

The lovely and talented bcholmes took me to see Hanna Gadsby perform in our town in August. I've been mulling it over ever since.

Gadsby is famous for openly mining their personal traumas and tragedies for their comedy. What fuelled this show in particular was grief at the death of their father, and rage at the bureaucracy that denied him dignity in his last days of his life. They also talked about their ambivalence at the wealth that has come along with commercial success. Wealth has become part of being a celebrity because we value celebrities. In a way that we do not value, say, elderly people.

So. Somewhat topical.

Also funny as fuck. I am fascinated by their ability to talk about things that hurt and make you howl with laughter while they are doing it. I mean, there was also an extended bit about fleshlights, which probably helped. But still.

***

I had a long discussion with my sister yesterday after I told her that I would go to her thanksgiving gathering, but I would be masking and not eating with the rest of the family because they take zero precautions. I tried to explain it by saying the chances of infection might be low, but even low odds aren't worth it if the impact is really fucking bad. I don't think she got it.

And I wonder if that's because she wasn't here when I was trying to navigate getting care for the Old Man and so she didn't see just how fucking awful it is out there. And that was with some money tucked away, it would have been considerably worse if he had been poor.

I always find these conflicts so incredibly stressful. Mostly I just wish I didn't have to do it over and over and over and over again.

Question from July 17 (I am never getting caught up here, am I?)
17 – Tattoo Day: Do you have any tattoos? If yes, how many, what and where are they? If you don't, would you ever consider getting one? Is yes, where on your body would it be, and what would you likely get tattooed? If no, why not?

I have three tattoos. A Pegasus on my shoulder that I got when I was 18, tribal piece on my calf from my 30s and a scorpion on my back I got just before the pandemic started.

I would love to have more ink, but it's expensive and I always seem to have important things to do with my money.

***

House progress! Contractor sent me this picture from the back.


You know, looking at that picture it looks like they put the basement door directly under the kitchen door? Not sure how they're planning on dealing with that, they were supposed to be beside each other.

And of course the utter chaos on our itty bitty front yard. Honestly, our neighbours are so patient.


Also visible in that picture, the cracks in our porch where the rebar frame has completely rusted away and the broken steps. Because This Fucking House.

***

It is a billion fucking degrees in Toronto this weekend. I finally gave up and sealed up the place as well as I could and turned on the air conditioning so I'll be able to sleep.

So of course I'm wearing socks because their is a cold air vent right under my desk so my feet are cold. While the rest of me is dripping sweat. Bodies are so stupid.

My sister interviewed me today for a book she's writing about menopause. So maybe it's just menopausal bodies that are stupid. One of the questions was about a list of reported effects she has collected and one of them was "smelling different" and I said "YES! I smelled different after my hysterectomy! And again when I hit menopause. And now on hormones I'm different again!" It's really disconcerting.

So it's not just me being weird again.

***

I am going to have to do some serious number-crunching and figure out where I can trim my budget because money is... not great. Everything is costing more than it was supposed to, and every delay adds to our expenses. We have a certain amount that gets put aside every month out of the household budget that is supposed to go to the renovation account, but it's being almost completely eaten by the cost of storage. Housemate and I had a conversation about seeing if we can rearrange the furniture in such a way that we can fit in more boxes because that would let us scale back on the size of storage we are paying for. That would definitely help. I'm supposed to take a week of vacation at some point this month, so it would be good timing.

IN THEORY I should be able to rearrange the stuff that's stayed in the house if the renos are going to be finished in the next few months. Like if I know I won't need it before next summer, it can go behind a stack of boxes. BUT I HAVE BEEN BURNED BEFORE PEOPLE.

***

More appointments for Old Man next week. More work stuff I'm trying to organize. I have to have a difficult conversation with my boss next week. Ugh. I am so burned out.

I once met a group of (decidedly drunk) people in a Hamilton gay bar. My ex drove them all home and whenever he asked for directions by saying, "Straight through here?" they would all yell in unison, "NO! GAYLY FORWARD!"

So you know. The only way past is gayly forward.

Things I need to do, in no particular order

1. I really need a freaking will. I know so many people in my extended circle who have died in the last few months - and every last one of them was younger than me. 1. What the hell is going on and 2. I need to make a damn will already[1].

2. In relation to item 1, I need to sort out my finances. I have been kind of squirrelling away money in various places over the years and at some point I need to just... figure out where it all is and what's going to happen to it if I kick it. In theory, knowing how much money I have will also mean I can do things like... spend some of it. Maybe. If renovations don't hoover it all up. Or more likely it will mean knowing how much I have to frantically stash away so I stand a chance in hell of actually retiring some day before I'm 80[2].

3. I need to make a coherent list of all the things that need to be done around the house that aren't just the kitchen. I think the plumber that put in the upstairs fixtures maybe wasn't very good and there is some repair work that needs to be done. Darrell started fixing the stairs to the top floor and that never got finished before he went into the hospital. There is a hole in our basement door and the cold room door latch doesn't work properly and the rail in the laundry room keeps falling off the wall.

Some of it I can do myself, some of it will need a professional. (I refuse to touch plumbing.) Mostly this is about breaking it into bite-sized pieces so I don't just get overwhelmed and give up.

4. I still have boxes of my sister's photos that I need to deal with. Actually I have a bunch of things that I'm hanging on to that I need to deal with. I am very much not good at the dealing with.

5. I think I need to spend more time with people in meat space. I'm getting weird in the head.


[1] If you know me, and want something of mine, speak up now.
[2] Granny pr0n is my backup plan.

I keep meaning to post and then... not getting around to it.

I took an actual vacation, like actually left my house and buggered out of the city. I have pictures of squirrels and frogs and shit. I slept like a baby. I walked in the woods. I ate like a horse. (I can't cook for shit, but I will happily wash dishes if somebody else is cooking). I read. I did some writing. I got home feeling happy and rested and ready to take on the world.

A week later my mood made that high-pitched whistling noise made famous by cartoons and indicative of something coming in for a very fast very hard landing.

*sigh*

Juxtaposition is a film technique used to illustrate the contrast in a narrative. It is also a really useful tool for looking at one's life and going, "OK, I think I see where the problem is here...."

The only way out is through.

Kinda fell off the world for a few weeks there. Sometimes I have to walk away from people for a short while and think about how maybe setting everything on fire is not the cleansing path forward I am really looking for.

(I have a self-destructive streak a mile wide, but I am not a fucking idiot. Well not an entire one, anyway.)

Had my first appointment with a therapist today. They body knows, she told me. Also had a massage today for the first time in two years. These things are both self-care.

So what did I miss?

It's one of those days when dinner is just a cheese sandwich and a shot of bourbon.

I am ON VACATION. And I say unto you, it is a glorious thing.

I made a promise to myself and everybody else who lives in my house that I was Not Doing Useful Shit this week. I normally have a project of some kind when I'm on vacation, taking advantage of the fact that I'm home to do something around the house that has been needing to get done for Chronos only know how long. Last month it was patching up the stairs, previous times it has been doing shit like going through storage bins or painting or organizing contractors. I always go back to work feeling like I didn't actually get a break.

So this week I said fuck that. Work has been kicking my ass, I think I can use an actual real life not-doing-any-work break from all that.

So I've been hanging around the house all week. Occasionally writing. Occasionally exercising. Mostly playing video games. It's awesome, but it's also really weird. I constantly feel like there is something I'm supposed to be doing that I am neglecting and it's all going to come back and bite me on the ass and I have to keep reminding myself that no, you planned it this way.

How messed up is it that I have to talk myself off the ledge because I'm trying to actually, you know, relax?

I obviously need to do this more often.

So apparently yesterday was complete and utter meltdown day.

Today is get back up and just get on with it day.

Tomorrow will be go looking for some zen day.

So it goes.

Is there a name for the thing where one has a compulsion to peel one's skin off?

I think it's a type of OCD, but I would expect it has it's own name as well.

Somebody in our neighbourhood has been putting up these enormous posters that say in big friendly letters, "What Would Joni Mitchell Do?" Somebody - I'm assuming a different somebody - has been writing answers to this question in magic marker at the bottom of the poster. The most common one I've seen is "Buy A Bag Of Weed".

I was walking to my dentist the other day and I passed one where the person had written, "Give Her Daughter Up For Adoption".

It felt like I had been punched in the face.

I can't say that it bothers me per se. I genuinely don't give a flying shit what some stranger might think of me or of my choices. But sometimes the startlement factor can still give me a good whomp on the back of the head.