unbutton the butcher in your heart

[the_siobhan]

November 2023
1 – Extra Mile Day: When was the last time you went the extra mile for someone, or someone went the extra mile for you? Tell us about it.

That's one of those questions that's hard to answer because it's just part of normal life. I stayed late at work to help somebody out? I do as much stuff as I can for the Old Man? People will go out of their way to help me if I'm stuck on something. That's just normal life, isn't it?

2 – Stress Awareness Day: How stressful is your everyday life? How well do you deal with stress? Do you have any tried-and-true strategies for handling stress?

HAHAHAHA O my fucking God.

I CAN TELL YOU that right now I am drinking too much and sleeping too little. I'm still working out every day, and that keeps me mostly sane, but also that's... really not keeping up right now.

Money has become A Fucking Problem. I just need to keep it together for another six months. Tomorrow before I go for my weekly Old Man visit I have to swing by the bank FOR THE THIRD FUCKING TIME and ask them AGAIN for the cheques on the credit line that opened THREE FUCKING MONTHS AGO and have not been able to use because I don't have any way to get the money out. And then maybe Monday I'll try to get the phones sorted out so we're being billed separately.

Yeah. So. sTreSS. I am aware of it. Thanks.

I had an interesting conversation with my girlfriend this week about how I appear much more stressed in my DW entries than I do when she talks to me in person. That seems really weird to me, because I have been venting about this non-stop for months. Like really I'm not sure why she hasn't told me to shut up yet.

And it's been sticking in my mind because that appears to be a life-long thing for me, and I have no idea why. I tell people something Is A Problem and Holy Shit Does This Need To Be Fixed and Here It Comes: The Consequences and I use my words and explain what I mean in as much detail as I can and I ask them if they understand and they say yes. And then when the dust settles they say, "Oh I didn't know you meant it."

And I'm kinda like... Why not? What is it about my body language or my words that makes me sound like I don't mean it? I genuinely have no idea.

Comments

[elusis]

I am drinking too much and sleeping too little

I relate a bit too well, friend. I am mostly sleeping OK amounts but the middle-of-the-night wakeup and read sessions are starting to get longer and it's not ideal.

For some reason finishing this article is turning into a series of NaDruWriNi and I have GOT to be done with it b/c I need to back off.

[the_siobhan]

It's not the best coping mechanism unfortunately.

[elusis]

I mean it's not the worst one either. As Kate Bornstein points out, the only two totally off-limits coping mechanisms are 1) being mean to other people, and 2) killing yourself, because you can't come back from that one. So, harm reduction I suppose? I'm no longer having terrible self-destructive relationships at least, that's something. Getting drunk while quietly picking at a manuscript is preferable for now, I think.

[the_siobhan]

Fair point. I haven't killed anybody yet, so that says something.

[dissectionist]

For what it’s worth, the “This is an oncoming issue, here is how we can avert it, holy fuck you didn’t listen and now you’ve created a huge problem for all of us” cycle is also very present in my own life. Solidarity. I think some of us are just cursed to be Cassandras.

[dissectionist]

Also I know the problem isn’t my communication, because they hear me perfectly well when they like what I’m saying. I suspect the same is 100% true for you. It’s not that I’m being unclear, it’s that many others prefer to tune out or diminish anything I say that’s difficult, awkward, or unpleasant for them, or something that would require effort from them.

[the_siobhan]

There is definitely some of that in play. But sometimes it's not even about the negative stuff. My therapist says it's really hard to get me to talk about my feelings, and I'm like, "... I've been talking about my feelings for the last hour? You were here?"

I dunno, maybe it's because I tend to use a lot of exaggeration to get my point across so people think I'm joking.

[elusis]

I can just about guarantee you that that last is true.

[the_siobhan]

Things I have said out loud, "Yes, you did know this would happen, because I told you."

[elusis]

I have had to say exactly this to students, and then had them turn around and rate me low on "clarity of expectations" on my student evaluations.

[greylock]

That's just normal life, isn't it?
What is normal?

I had an interesting conversation with my girlfriend this week about how I appear much more stressed in my DW entries than I do when she talks to me in person.

IME, external people are either completely oblivious (and, I think we can rule that out), or you're not nearly presenting as stressed as you think, OR (and this is my theory), you're more in control than you think.

I mean, you made it this far!

[greylock]

Damn, I meant to say "External people can make better judgments about us than we do".