kids these days pt II

[the_siobhan]

I have a couple of glasses of wine in me and I"m still thinking about "drama". (Seriously, if I quit drinking, what the hell am I going to use for inspiration?) From my point of view, drama is essentially conflict. But by my definition of the term, it's not conflict that's being dealt with directly.

During a recent somewhat beer-sodden conversation with a friend, said friend expressed some trepidation about the reactions that might have to be dealt with at an upcoming party. Without speaking for another person or pretending to be a mind reader, my impression is that said friend doesn't really give a rat's ass what other people think - but also doesn't like to be in the centre of a fuss. So I told Friend my philosophy of conflict, and finding oneself in the centre therein.

Which is that when people are pissed at you, they tend to have one of three reactions.

1. They don't tell you.

Maybe they put a high value on just getting along. Maybe your trespass wasn't that high on their internal list of Shit One Does Not Do so it's just not worth the hassle of getting into a discussion about it. Whatever their reasons, I figure if they won't tell me about it what they are really communicating is that it just ain't my problem. Next!

2. They don't tell you but they tell everybody else.

There are gradations of this behaviour. I think everybody indulges in it in it's mildest form. I don't think I've met a single person in my life who never did something I disagreed with, and I'm no so perfect that I'm above saying, "What the hell was X thinking?" in private conversations. In it's most poisonous and unhelpful form, it results in broken confidences, spreading rumours and telling lies. And if somebody does that, they are a) an asshole and b) not my friend. And if people believe the lies and don't talk to me about it, they are a) assholes and b) not my friends either.

And if they aren't my friend, why should I give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut what some bunch of assholes think of me? Next!

3. They have a problem with you and they tell you about it.

Then you get to have a conversation. Even if it goes badly, at least then you know where you stand.

Just to be clear, I'm not dismissing the pain of losing actual friendships. That sucks no matter how it goes down. I'm thinking specifically of the kind of weird group social interactions that only seem to have become possible since the invention of the internet, which created a unique environment where of dozens of people can now all have a hissy-fit over the same thing at the same time. And since the invention of LJ, they can now also friends-lock it.

Even so, I'm aware that I'm probably unusual in my response to these things. I made a conscious decision that I Don't Care What Other People Think back in high school, and I've never regretted it once.

I'm inventing a new astrology. I've decided that one of the signs will be Bull in China Shop.

Comments

[greylock.livejournal.com]

4. They have a problem with you but won't admit it to themselves?

[eveofdstruction.livejournal.com]

Also a few glasses in, it occurs to me that the other day we saw actual bulls in very close proximity to actual china shops. This is funnier than it probably should be.

[katyakoshka.livejournal.com]

I hate #2. Just hate it. Stupid, counterproductive shit.

[girfan.livejournal.com]

You know how #2 has caused me problems in the past few years. And it appears to be still ongoing. I try hard to not care what other people think, but sometimes it hurts. :(

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

How could anyone, EVER be pissed at you?!
You are the wonderful Siobhan!

[disastrid.livejournal.com]

you're awesome.

[panic-girl.livejournal.com]

And if people believe the lies and don't talk to me about it, they are a) assholes and b) not my friends either.
Well, if they believe the lies why would they talk to you about it? Just going by my own experience here, there was a campaign of "Panic is Batshit." If people believed that, it makes sense they wouldn't come to me, because I'd just be all... Batshitty about it. Turns out I'm not. :P

Which leads me to why a specific couple people are bigger, better friends that I could have imagined a couple years ago. Because they figured out the lie, and did come to me, allowing me the cast off the ballast.

As to drama, I think people use that word as shorthand for "I don't agree that your shit-giving is justified." I mean, you're approaching this from the viewpoint that your shit-giving is always in the right. It might be, but the shit-taker sure might not see it that way. They might think it's coming out of nowhere. In that case, rightly or wrongly, they'll tag it drama.

[ravensee.livejournal.com]

Even so, I'm aware that I'm probably unusual in my response to these things. I made a conscious decision that I Don't Care What Other People Think back in high school, and I've never regretted it once.

I came to that conclusion for myself a few years ago. Ever since then, it's been a much more free feeling life.

I like what's in your head.

<3

Psst...santa hats!

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

4. They have a problem with you but don't tell you about it until months or years after the fact, during which time they have been harbouring intense resentment against you.

I've a few people pull this on me. Each time I got an assload of grievances dumped in my lap with a large helping of "I've been miserable for the past X months/years and it's all your fault!" When I was younger, I would go to great lengths to try to fix things with no great success. Now, my reaction tends to be that I can't fix a problem if I don't know it exists. If you chose not to tell me, I won't be held responsible for that. I'll apologize for past wrongs up to a point, but there's only so much I can do in regards to things that happened months ago.

2. They don't tell you but they tell everybody else.

This bothers me to lesser or greater degrees depending on the person or the circumstances. Casual friends and acquaintances who do this may irk me, and as a result, they're unlikely to become more than acquaintances.

It bothers me a lot more when close friends do this because I figure they should, eventually, be talking to me about it. I do allow that it's sometimes necessary and useful to vent to/bounce ideas off of other people before approaching a friend about a problem. I do that to get a reality check lest I blow shit way out of proportion.

What I cannot stand is people actively lying about me, spreading other people's lies about me, or bitching about aspects of my personality/interests/life choices that are none of their business. That's a great way to lose my respect ASAP.

[geekers.livejournal.com]

Not only can one post on LJ and friend-lock it, s/he can make it so no one can respond! Hooray!

[spitecandy.livejournal.com]

You forgot about:
I tell them, but they keep doing it so then I talk to other people about it to see if I am overreaacting.

Your second one? Everyone does that to me but I never do that. I always tell the person before I get really mad about it.

[caspervonb.livejournal.com]

Drama is just a word that people use to disculpate themselves. Its what other people do.

They talk shit and go about all their nice social backstabbing and never consider what they are doing.

When, inevitably, the wheel turns back around to them and the grieved parties ask for accountability, then the backhanded response is "I don't do drama". Cop out, of course. End of dialogue and the original argument is obfuscated by this new brick wall of "Yes, you do" "No, I don't".

Nobody admits to causing it and most everyone lies because its not the same when it them, right?

Of the top of my head,I can think of less than 5 people who don't talk shit about other people. And, you know what? I'm not one of them though I do try not to. You, however, are one of them and that is one of the reasons you're wonderful.

Now, wtf am I doing on LJ?

[kat1031.livejournal.com]

Right there with you on this. I. don't. do. drama. If it happens near me, I try my best to ignore it. If someone attempts to involve me, I discover that there's one fewer person to need to bother with. If I inadvertently cause it, I apologize profusely.