kids these days pt II

[the_siobhan]

I have a couple of glasses of wine in me and I"m still thinking about "drama". (Seriously, if I quit drinking, what the hell am I going to use for inspiration?) From my point of view, drama is essentially conflict. But by my definition of the term, it's not conflict that's being dealt with directly.

During a recent somewhat beer-sodden conversation with a friend, said friend expressed some trepidation about the reactions that might have to be dealt with at an upcoming party. Without speaking for another person or pretending to be a mind reader, my impression is that said friend doesn't really give a rat's ass what other people think - but also doesn't like to be in the centre of a fuss. So I told Friend my philosophy of conflict, and finding oneself in the centre therein.

Which is that when people are pissed at you, they tend to have one of three reactions.

1. They don't tell you.

Maybe they put a high value on just getting along. Maybe your trespass wasn't that high on their internal list of Shit One Does Not Do so it's just not worth the hassle of getting into a discussion about it. Whatever their reasons, I figure if they won't tell me about it what they are really communicating is that it just ain't my problem. Next!

2. They don't tell you but they tell everybody else.

There are gradations of this behaviour. I think everybody indulges in it in it's mildest form. I don't think I've met a single person in my life who never did something I disagreed with, and I'm no so perfect that I'm above saying, "What the hell was X thinking?" in private conversations. In it's most poisonous and unhelpful form, it results in broken confidences, spreading rumours and telling lies. And if somebody does that, they are a) an asshole and b) not my friend. And if people believe the lies and don't talk to me about it, they are a) assholes and b) not my friends either.

And if they aren't my friend, why should I give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut what some bunch of assholes think of me? Next!

3. They have a problem with you and they tell you about it.

Then you get to have a conversation. Even if it goes badly, at least then you know where you stand.

Just to be clear, I'm not dismissing the pain of losing actual friendships. That sucks no matter how it goes down. I'm thinking specifically of the kind of weird group social interactions that only seem to have become possible since the invention of the internet, which created a unique environment where of dozens of people can now all have a hissy-fit over the same thing at the same time. And since the invention of LJ, they can now also friends-lock it.

Even so, I'm aware that I'm probably unusual in my response to these things. I made a conscious decision that I Don't Care What Other People Think back in high school, and I've never regretted it once.

I'm inventing a new astrology. I've decided that one of the signs will be Bull in China Shop.

Comments

[caspervonb.livejournal.com]

Drama is just a word that people use to disculpate themselves. Its what other people do.

They talk shit and go about all their nice social backstabbing and never consider what they are doing.

When, inevitably, the wheel turns back around to them and the grieved parties ask for accountability, then the backhanded response is "I don't do drama". Cop out, of course. End of dialogue and the original argument is obfuscated by this new brick wall of "Yes, you do" "No, I don't".

Nobody admits to causing it and most everyone lies because its not the same when it them, right?

Of the top of my head,I can think of less than 5 people who don't talk shit about other people. And, you know what? I'm not one of them though I do try not to. You, however, are one of them and that is one of the reasons you're wonderful.

Now, wtf am I doing on LJ?

thoughts generated by your comment

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

First thought: I'm probably rare in that I think open conflict can be healthy. Painful oh fuck yes, but in the same way that a forest fire is painful and yet still healthy. It kills a lot of shit but it also clears away the deadwood so new things have space to take root. People who refuse any kind of conflict are denying themselves the chance to make some damn room.

Second thought: I'm often fascinated by how infrequently people see themselves in the things they say they hate. Lack of self-awareness is more common than coldsores.

Third thought: It's flattering as hell that you say I don't do that, because like you I think of it as something that I aspire to more than something that I'm good at. Either both of us are more forgiving of our friends than we are of ourselves, or we're both more sensitive to the hint of having faults that we dislike in other people.

Forth thought: Because Facebook is the suxx0r.

Fifth thought: Warhammer is on hold until I can afford a computer upgrade. Cross your fingers I get a decent bonus this year.

Re: thoughts generated by your comment

[caspervonb.livejournal.com]

1) Open conflict is great. I'm all for it. Sauf exceptions, I'm generally pretty decent at reading people. I can tell pretty quickly when they have a bug up their asses about me and it gets under my skin. I never bring it up because, well, its not what I do but it certainly is a great relief when they finally come out with it. Not matter how severe, its wonderful not to feel that pressure building up. And, really, laying all the cards on the table is the best way to either fix things or have a clean break. But, lets be honest, open conflict is rare. People are afraid of it so they take potshots from the shadows, as it were.

2) People don't like to admit that there are parts of them that are fucking dark cesspools. Which, ironically, is why I think they suck. Having flaws doesn't make you a terrible person. Being willfully blind towards them does make you a terrible person. Or, at the very least, a person I don't have time for.

3) Could be either. I really don't know. What I do know is that the standards to which I try to hold myself are invariably much higher than those I hold others to. I fail pretty regularly but I don't see that as a reason to hold the bar any lower.

4) Or I unexpectedly found myself with very little to do at work on a friday afternoon. I could get used to this working only 40 hours a week thing. Its practically a vacation. ;)

5)*fingerscrossed* I'll be in Paris over Christmas and through the New Year so you'll have some time to catch up. ;)

Re: thoughts generated by your comment

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

1) Remember that conversation we had once about how the first time you get your nose broken is really intimidating? And after that it's kind of a non-event?

I once explained to somebody at work that after the first time you get chased around the room with an axe, being yelled at on the phone really isn't all that scary any more.

2) Which would explain why you hang out with goths and punks.

(Banker or not, I sometimes miss the days when people were afraid of us.)

(3 is only left out because I agree so I don't really don't have anything useful to add.)

4. I work late every day and I like it.

Somebody shoot me.

5. When are you back? We're thinking our December party isn't likely to happen in December just because everybody tends to be busy - so maybe a late January birthday party instead.

Re: thoughts generated by your comment

[caspervonb.livejournal.com]

1) Hah! I hear you.

2) I had a colleague mention that he thought there was more to me than the suit and tie. All I could think was "You should see what I was doing last weekend".

4) I work constantly and have no time for a social life of any kind. And yet I'm really happy. Its a strange world, ain't it?

5) I should be back on the 5th or 6th. Keep me posted. I could likely fly in for a weekend.

Re: thoughts generated by your comment

[missjanette.livejournal.com]

re: the first - there's types of conflict that can be healthy, but then there's other conflict that is terribly unproductive. I think it's a matter of being able to gauge if something good is going to come out of it or if ppl are just going to be all FUCK YOU FOREVER. I think the depth of the relationship plays a MAJOR role as well.

re: the second - speaking for myself, i hate bullies bc I know I can be one. I find the stuff I hate most is the stuff I am terrified of becoming. When I see that shit in other ppl, I flip my goddamned wig.

re: the third - I think you talk some shit about other ppl but you aren't all cloak & dagger about it. I've not heard you talk 12 miles of shit about someone and then see you kiss their ass at the club two days later. Matter of fact, I don't think I've seen you kiss anyone's ass. I also get the impression if you talked some shit and said shit target came to you, you'd admit the shit and probably give reasons behind it.

Re: thoughts generated by your comment

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Pt 1. I think one of the reasons I like conflict to be out in the open is because it's then so much easier to make an evaluation as to whether or not there is a salvageable relationship or if it's time to go one's separate ways. Or if the conflict in question si just one person trying to bully or demonize the other.

That might be a function of how my brain works. I'm a big fan of the testosterone system where everybody hits each other and then goes home the best of friends, their emotions now at least expressed if not resolved.

Pt 3. You know, one the places where my "be honest" impulse runs into rocks is that I also strongly believe in minding my own damn business. If somebody asks me what I think or what's going on I will tell them. Telling people I think they are wrong isn't hard for me. The trouble is that we don't really live in a culture that encourages asking questions like that - or giving straight answers if somebody does.

It so happens that the friend in my initial example is experiencing drama because of some specific decisions, some of which I don't agree with. We haven't really discussed it. Friend hasn't asked my opinion and I figure that unless zie does, it's none of my damn business. But you know, if it was regarding something big enough that I should decide to stop being friends over it, it's big enough that I should at least be honest about the reason why.