kids these days pt II
Nov. 13th, 2008 11:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_siobhanI have a couple of glasses of wine in me and I"m still thinking about "drama". (Seriously, if I quit drinking, what the hell am I going to use for inspiration?) From my point of view, drama is essentially conflict. But by my definition of the term, it's not conflict that's being dealt with directly.
During a recent somewhat beer-sodden conversation with a friend, said friend expressed some trepidation about the reactions that might have to be dealt with at an upcoming party. Without speaking for another person or pretending to be a mind reader, my impression is that said friend doesn't really give a rat's ass what other people think - but also doesn't like to be in the centre of a fuss. So I told Friend my philosophy of conflict, and finding oneself in the centre therein.
Which is that when people are pissed at you, they tend to have one of three reactions.
1. They don't tell you.
Maybe they put a high value on just getting along. Maybe your trespass wasn't that high on their internal list of Shit One Does Not Do so it's just not worth the hassle of getting into a discussion about it. Whatever their reasons, I figure if they won't tell me about it what they are really communicating is that it just ain't my problem. Next!
2. They don't tell you but they tell everybody else.
There are gradations of this behaviour. I think everybody indulges in it in it's mildest form. I don't think I've met a single person in my life who never did something I disagreed with, and I'm no so perfect that I'm above saying, "What the hell was X thinking?" in private conversations. In it's most poisonous and unhelpful form, it results in broken confidences, spreading rumours and telling lies. And if somebody does that, they are a) an asshole and b) not my friend. And if people believe the lies and don't talk to me about it, they are a) assholes and b) not my friends either.
And if they aren't my friend, why should I give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut what some bunch of assholes think of me? Next!
3. They have a problem with you and they tell you about it.
Then you get to have a conversation. Even if it goes badly, at least then you know where you stand.
Just to be clear, I'm not dismissing the pain of losing actual friendships. That sucks no matter how it goes down. I'm thinking specifically of the kind of weird group social interactions that only seem to have become possible since the invention of the internet, which created a unique environment where of dozens of people can now all have a hissy-fit over the same thing at the same time. And since the invention of LJ, they can now also friends-lock it.
Even so, I'm aware that I'm probably unusual in my response to these things. I made a conscious decision that I Don't Care What Other People Think back in high school, and I've never regretted it once.
I'm inventing a new astrology. I've decided that one of the signs will be Bull in China Shop.
During a recent somewhat beer-sodden conversation with a friend, said friend expressed some trepidation about the reactions that might have to be dealt with at an upcoming party. Without speaking for another person or pretending to be a mind reader, my impression is that said friend doesn't really give a rat's ass what other people think - but also doesn't like to be in the centre of a fuss. So I told Friend my philosophy of conflict, and finding oneself in the centre therein.
Which is that when people are pissed at you, they tend to have one of three reactions.
1. They don't tell you.
Maybe they put a high value on just getting along. Maybe your trespass wasn't that high on their internal list of Shit One Does Not Do so it's just not worth the hassle of getting into a discussion about it. Whatever their reasons, I figure if they won't tell me about it what they are really communicating is that it just ain't my problem. Next!
2. They don't tell you but they tell everybody else.
There are gradations of this behaviour. I think everybody indulges in it in it's mildest form. I don't think I've met a single person in my life who never did something I disagreed with, and I'm no so perfect that I'm above saying, "What the hell was X thinking?" in private conversations. In it's most poisonous and unhelpful form, it results in broken confidences, spreading rumours and telling lies. And if somebody does that, they are a) an asshole and b) not my friend. And if people believe the lies and don't talk to me about it, they are a) assholes and b) not my friends either.
And if they aren't my friend, why should I give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut what some bunch of assholes think of me? Next!
3. They have a problem with you and they tell you about it.
Then you get to have a conversation. Even if it goes badly, at least then you know where you stand.
Just to be clear, I'm not dismissing the pain of losing actual friendships. That sucks no matter how it goes down. I'm thinking specifically of the kind of weird group social interactions that only seem to have become possible since the invention of the internet, which created a unique environment where of dozens of people can now all have a hissy-fit over the same thing at the same time. And since the invention of LJ, they can now also friends-lock it.
Even so, I'm aware that I'm probably unusual in my response to these things. I made a conscious decision that I Don't Care What Other People Think back in high school, and I've never regretted it once.
I'm inventing a new astrology. I've decided that one of the signs will be Bull in China Shop.
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Re: thoughts generated by your comment
Date: 2008-11-16 03:25 am (UTC)2) People don't like to admit that there are parts of them that are fucking dark cesspools. Which, ironically, is why I think they suck. Having flaws doesn't make you a terrible person. Being willfully blind towards them does make you a terrible person. Or, at the very least, a person I don't have time for.
3) Could be either. I really don't know. What I do know is that the standards to which I try to hold myself are invariably much higher than those I hold others to. I fail pretty regularly but I don't see that as a reason to hold the bar any lower.
4) Or I unexpectedly found myself with very little to do at work on a friday afternoon. I could get used to this working only 40 hours a week thing. Its practically a vacation. ;)
5)*fingerscrossed* I'll be in Paris over Christmas and through the New Year so you'll have some time to catch up. ;)
Re: thoughts generated by your comment
Date: 2008-11-16 04:09 am (UTC)I once explained to somebody at work that after the first time you get chased around the room with an axe, being yelled at on the phone really isn't all that scary any more.
2) Which would explain why you hang out with goths and punks.
(Banker or not, I sometimes miss the days when people were afraid of us.)
(3 is only left out because I agree so I don't really don't have anything useful to add.)
4. I work late every day and I like it.
Somebody shoot me.
5. When are you back? We're thinking our December party isn't likely to happen in December just because everybody tends to be busy - so maybe a late January birthday party instead.
Re: thoughts generated by your comment
Date: 2008-11-16 08:21 pm (UTC)2) I had a colleague mention that he thought there was more to me than the suit and tie. All I could think was "You should see what I was doing last weekend".
4) I work constantly and have no time for a social life of any kind. And yet I'm really happy. Its a strange world, ain't it?
5) I should be back on the 5th or 6th. Keep me posted. I could likely fly in for a weekend.