kids these days pt II
Nov. 13th, 2008 11:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_siobhanI have a couple of glasses of wine in me and I"m still thinking about "drama". (Seriously, if I quit drinking, what the hell am I going to use for inspiration?) From my point of view, drama is essentially conflict. But by my definition of the term, it's not conflict that's being dealt with directly.
During a recent somewhat beer-sodden conversation with a friend, said friend expressed some trepidation about the reactions that might have to be dealt with at an upcoming party. Without speaking for another person or pretending to be a mind reader, my impression is that said friend doesn't really give a rat's ass what other people think - but also doesn't like to be in the centre of a fuss. So I told Friend my philosophy of conflict, and finding oneself in the centre therein.
Which is that when people are pissed at you, they tend to have one of three reactions.
1. They don't tell you.
Maybe they put a high value on just getting along. Maybe your trespass wasn't that high on their internal list of Shit One Does Not Do so it's just not worth the hassle of getting into a discussion about it. Whatever their reasons, I figure if they won't tell me about it what they are really communicating is that it just ain't my problem. Next!
2. They don't tell you but they tell everybody else.
There are gradations of this behaviour. I think everybody indulges in it in it's mildest form. I don't think I've met a single person in my life who never did something I disagreed with, and I'm no so perfect that I'm above saying, "What the hell was X thinking?" in private conversations. In it's most poisonous and unhelpful form, it results in broken confidences, spreading rumours and telling lies. And if somebody does that, they are a) an asshole and b) not my friend. And if people believe the lies and don't talk to me about it, they are a) assholes and b) not my friends either.
And if they aren't my friend, why should I give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut what some bunch of assholes think of me? Next!
3. They have a problem with you and they tell you about it.
Then you get to have a conversation. Even if it goes badly, at least then you know where you stand.
Just to be clear, I'm not dismissing the pain of losing actual friendships. That sucks no matter how it goes down. I'm thinking specifically of the kind of weird group social interactions that only seem to have become possible since the invention of the internet, which created a unique environment where of dozens of people can now all have a hissy-fit over the same thing at the same time. And since the invention of LJ, they can now also friends-lock it.
Even so, I'm aware that I'm probably unusual in my response to these things. I made a conscious decision that I Don't Care What Other People Think back in high school, and I've never regretted it once.
I'm inventing a new astrology. I've decided that one of the signs will be Bull in China Shop.
During a recent somewhat beer-sodden conversation with a friend, said friend expressed some trepidation about the reactions that might have to be dealt with at an upcoming party. Without speaking for another person or pretending to be a mind reader, my impression is that said friend doesn't really give a rat's ass what other people think - but also doesn't like to be in the centre of a fuss. So I told Friend my philosophy of conflict, and finding oneself in the centre therein.
Which is that when people are pissed at you, they tend to have one of three reactions.
1. They don't tell you.
Maybe they put a high value on just getting along. Maybe your trespass wasn't that high on their internal list of Shit One Does Not Do so it's just not worth the hassle of getting into a discussion about it. Whatever their reasons, I figure if they won't tell me about it what they are really communicating is that it just ain't my problem. Next!
2. They don't tell you but they tell everybody else.
There are gradations of this behaviour. I think everybody indulges in it in it's mildest form. I don't think I've met a single person in my life who never did something I disagreed with, and I'm no so perfect that I'm above saying, "What the hell was X thinking?" in private conversations. In it's most poisonous and unhelpful form, it results in broken confidences, spreading rumours and telling lies. And if somebody does that, they are a) an asshole and b) not my friend. And if people believe the lies and don't talk to me about it, they are a) assholes and b) not my friends either.
And if they aren't my friend, why should I give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut what some bunch of assholes think of me? Next!
3. They have a problem with you and they tell you about it.
Then you get to have a conversation. Even if it goes badly, at least then you know where you stand.
Just to be clear, I'm not dismissing the pain of losing actual friendships. That sucks no matter how it goes down. I'm thinking specifically of the kind of weird group social interactions that only seem to have become possible since the invention of the internet, which created a unique environment where of dozens of people can now all have a hissy-fit over the same thing at the same time. And since the invention of LJ, they can now also friends-lock it.
Even so, I'm aware that I'm probably unusual in my response to these things. I made a conscious decision that I Don't Care What Other People Think back in high school, and I've never regretted it once.
I'm inventing a new astrology. I've decided that one of the signs will be Bull in China Shop.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-14 03:22 pm (UTC)I've a few people pull this on me. Each time I got an assload of grievances dumped in my lap with a large helping of "I've been miserable for the past X months/years and it's all your fault!" When I was younger, I would go to great lengths to try to fix things with no great success. Now, my reaction tends to be that I can't fix a problem if I don't know it exists. If you chose not to tell me, I won't be held responsible for that. I'll apologize for past wrongs up to a point, but there's only so much I can do in regards to things that happened months ago.
2. They don't tell you but they tell everybody else.
This bothers me to lesser or greater degrees depending on the person or the circumstances. Casual friends and acquaintances who do this may irk me, and as a result, they're unlikely to become more than acquaintances.
It bothers me a lot more when close friends do this because I figure they should, eventually, be talking to me about it. I do allow that it's sometimes necessary and useful to vent to/bounce ideas off of other people before approaching a friend about a problem. I do that to get a reality check lest I blow shit way out of proportion.
What I cannot stand is people actively lying about me, spreading other people's lies about me, or bitching about aspects of my personality/interests/life choices that are none of their business. That's a great way to lose my respect ASAP.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-14 04:32 pm (UTC)hello my divorce!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-16 01:21 am (UTC)Loudly.
With lots of k sounds.