kids these days pt II
Nov. 13th, 2008 11:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_siobhanI have a couple of glasses of wine in me and I"m still thinking about "drama". (Seriously, if I quit drinking, what the hell am I going to use for inspiration?) From my point of view, drama is essentially conflict. But by my definition of the term, it's not conflict that's being dealt with directly.
During a recent somewhat beer-sodden conversation with a friend, said friend expressed some trepidation about the reactions that might have to be dealt with at an upcoming party. Without speaking for another person or pretending to be a mind reader, my impression is that said friend doesn't really give a rat's ass what other people think - but also doesn't like to be in the centre of a fuss. So I told Friend my philosophy of conflict, and finding oneself in the centre therein.
Which is that when people are pissed at you, they tend to have one of three reactions.
1. They don't tell you.
Maybe they put a high value on just getting along. Maybe your trespass wasn't that high on their internal list of Shit One Does Not Do so it's just not worth the hassle of getting into a discussion about it. Whatever their reasons, I figure if they won't tell me about it what they are really communicating is that it just ain't my problem. Next!
2. They don't tell you but they tell everybody else.
There are gradations of this behaviour. I think everybody indulges in it in it's mildest form. I don't think I've met a single person in my life who never did something I disagreed with, and I'm no so perfect that I'm above saying, "What the hell was X thinking?" in private conversations. In it's most poisonous and unhelpful form, it results in broken confidences, spreading rumours and telling lies. And if somebody does that, they are a) an asshole and b) not my friend. And if people believe the lies and don't talk to me about it, they are a) assholes and b) not my friends either.
And if they aren't my friend, why should I give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut what some bunch of assholes think of me? Next!
3. They have a problem with you and they tell you about it.
Then you get to have a conversation. Even if it goes badly, at least then you know where you stand.
Just to be clear, I'm not dismissing the pain of losing actual friendships. That sucks no matter how it goes down. I'm thinking specifically of the kind of weird group social interactions that only seem to have become possible since the invention of the internet, which created a unique environment where of dozens of people can now all have a hissy-fit over the same thing at the same time. And since the invention of LJ, they can now also friends-lock it.
Even so, I'm aware that I'm probably unusual in my response to these things. I made a conscious decision that I Don't Care What Other People Think back in high school, and I've never regretted it once.
I'm inventing a new astrology. I've decided that one of the signs will be Bull in China Shop.
During a recent somewhat beer-sodden conversation with a friend, said friend expressed some trepidation about the reactions that might have to be dealt with at an upcoming party. Without speaking for another person or pretending to be a mind reader, my impression is that said friend doesn't really give a rat's ass what other people think - but also doesn't like to be in the centre of a fuss. So I told Friend my philosophy of conflict, and finding oneself in the centre therein.
Which is that when people are pissed at you, they tend to have one of three reactions.
1. They don't tell you.
Maybe they put a high value on just getting along. Maybe your trespass wasn't that high on their internal list of Shit One Does Not Do so it's just not worth the hassle of getting into a discussion about it. Whatever their reasons, I figure if they won't tell me about it what they are really communicating is that it just ain't my problem. Next!
2. They don't tell you but they tell everybody else.
There are gradations of this behaviour. I think everybody indulges in it in it's mildest form. I don't think I've met a single person in my life who never did something I disagreed with, and I'm no so perfect that I'm above saying, "What the hell was X thinking?" in private conversations. In it's most poisonous and unhelpful form, it results in broken confidences, spreading rumours and telling lies. And if somebody does that, they are a) an asshole and b) not my friend. And if people believe the lies and don't talk to me about it, they are a) assholes and b) not my friends either.
And if they aren't my friend, why should I give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut what some bunch of assholes think of me? Next!
3. They have a problem with you and they tell you about it.
Then you get to have a conversation. Even if it goes badly, at least then you know where you stand.
Just to be clear, I'm not dismissing the pain of losing actual friendships. That sucks no matter how it goes down. I'm thinking specifically of the kind of weird group social interactions that only seem to have become possible since the invention of the internet, which created a unique environment where of dozens of people can now all have a hissy-fit over the same thing at the same time. And since the invention of LJ, they can now also friends-lock it.
Even so, I'm aware that I'm probably unusual in my response to these things. I made a conscious decision that I Don't Care What Other People Think back in high school, and I've never regretted it once.
I'm inventing a new astrology. I've decided that one of the signs will be Bull in China Shop.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-14 02:46 pm (UTC)I came to that conclusion for myself a few years ago. Ever since then, it's been a much more free feeling life.
I like what's in your head.
<3
Psst...santa hats!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-14 06:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-14 06:44 pm (UTC)I think it's more about I Don't Care What Other People Think That Do Not Like Me. It's hard to generalize a statement and not get it all in there methinks.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-15 04:59 am (UTC)But you know, if I do my best and they decide I'm an asshole anyway - there isn't much I can do about that.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-16 12:27 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-16 06:31 pm (UTC)I don't care if people don't like me based on my actual merits (or lack of same), but I really, really don't want to be doing stuff that hurts the people I care about. If I'm doing it, and I don't know it, I want somebody to TELL me so that I can cut it the fuck out.
The situations that I find really difficult are when I've done something to hurt someone inadvertently that turns out to be really hard to make right . . . it's something I've been faced with recently, and I'm not really sure what to do other than to do my absolute best to make up for my mistakes.
Sometimes, though, the 'mistakes' are in situations where someone is reacting out of their own issues, and while I did somehow cause offense, said offense was greatly magnified because of said issues. (i.e., I committed a molehill-level error, and it was made into a mountain because that person was under high stress or it was a particular trigger for them.)
I'm really uncomfortable with people talking about me in those situations -- I'd like to resolve it directly with the people involved, and I don't want shit-talk going on by people who have nothing to do with the situation and don't understand what actually happened.
*gah*
-- A :/