I've been dying to reply to this for ages, and now I finally have the time.
So anyway...I don't think I'm owed anything or that I owe my friends anything, but I do expect reciprocity. If I'm always giving of my time, hospitality, help etc, and never getting anything in return, I get resentful pretty damn quickly. That reciprocity can be as simple as a phone call or an email to say hi - just something to let me know that the other person is working at this friendship too. It has to be a two-way street.
The person I was talking to was horrified. Why would I want to be friends with people who obviously had so little respect for me, she wanted to know.
Heh. I know who this is, and lemme tell ya, I got pretty damn tired of the interrogatons and snarky comments when I turned up a whopping 10 minutes late. It made me feel like my company wasn't worth much to her if I didn't play by her rules.
I'm always late, but for a really important event, I'll make the extra effort to be on time, and I expect the same from my friends. Case in point, our recent wedding. *Everyone* was there on time, and I imagine it was because they knew how important it was to M and I. Thing is, I knew I could count on all my friends to realize that and make that extra effort. It never occurred to me to doubt them.
Explanations? Yeah, I think there is some obligation to tell a friend that you're upset with them. It's unfair to expect someone to read your mind. I've had at least three friendships end within the past 5 years b/c the other person was unhappy with me, didn't tell me why, and got angry at me for not knowing that they were unhappy. By the time I figured shit out and tried to talk about it, it was too late. I still feel kinda raw about that.
Time? Hrm...lemme put it this way. There were people at our wedding that I haven't seen in years, and some I've seen only rarely. There was no falling out with any of them. We all just got busy with our lives - jobs, houses, kids, weddings, stuff - and many of us fell out of touch. One of the best things about our wedding was reconnecting with so many of these old friends. I hadn't anticipated that benefit. :)
These friends came to our wedding and celebrated with us, regardless of how long it had been since we'd seen each other. I was thrilled to have them there, and lots of dinners are being planned for future months. ;)
Should I have held it against my friends that they got busy with their lives? What kind of friend does that? I don't "count beans", as another poster put it, and I don't do well in friendships with people who do.
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zvi
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-30 05:58 pm (UTC)So anyway...I don't think I'm owed anything or that I owe my friends anything, but I do expect reciprocity. If I'm always giving of my time, hospitality, help etc, and never getting anything in return, I get resentful pretty damn quickly. That reciprocity can be as simple as a phone call or an email to say hi - just something to let me know that the other person is working at this friendship too. It has to be a two-way street.
The person I was talking to was horrified. Why would I want to be friends with people who obviously had so little respect for me, she wanted to know.
Heh. I know who this is, and lemme tell ya, I got pretty damn tired of the interrogatons and snarky comments when I turned up a whopping 10 minutes late. It made me feel like my company wasn't worth much to her if I didn't play by her rules.
I'm always late, but for a really important event, I'll make the extra effort to be on time, and I expect the same from my friends. Case in point, our recent wedding. *Everyone* was there on time, and I imagine it was because they knew how important it was to M and I. Thing is, I knew I could count on all my friends to realize that and make that extra effort. It never occurred to me to doubt them.
Explanations? Yeah, I think there is some obligation to tell a friend that you're upset with them. It's unfair to expect someone to read your mind. I've had at least three friendships end within the past 5 years b/c the other person was unhappy with me, didn't tell me why, and got angry at me for not knowing that they were unhappy. By the time I figured shit out and tried to talk about it, it was too late. I still feel kinda raw about that.
Time? Hrm...lemme put it this way. There were people at our wedding that I haven't seen in years, and some I've seen only rarely. There was no falling out with any of them. We all just got busy with our lives - jobs, houses, kids, weddings, stuff - and many of us fell out of touch. One of the best things about our wedding was reconnecting with so many of these old friends. I hadn't anticipated that benefit. :)
These friends came to our wedding and celebrated with us, regardless of how long it had been since we'd seen each other. I was thrilled to have them there, and lots of dinners are being planned for future months. ;)
Should I have held it against my friends that they got busy with their lives? What kind of friend does that? I don't "count beans", as another poster put it, and I don't do well in friendships with people who do.