stream of almost consciousness

Grumpy today. Probably because I'm underslept.

I also have another one of those trippy middle-ear infections that makes me dizzy all the time. Not enough to tip me over, but I get disoriented and wobbly really easily. I went to the movies[1] last night with bcholmes, and although the movement on the screen didn't bother me in the slightest, walking through the lobby with the enormous flashing lights and tilted displays definitely threw me right off. I kept discovering I'd suddenly changed direction without realizing it, which is kind of disconcerting.

We walked home through one of the busiest club districts in Toronto at midnight, weaving our way through crowds of clubbers jamming up the sidewalks. Then I was up at dawn this morning riding a streetcar through the same streets. Quite the contrast. There are only a few people out that early, mostly city workers and homeless people and a few who are just getting out of the boozecans. I played "name what that person's coming down from" all the way to the subway.

It was even too early for the Walk Of Shame.

You can really see how much trash accumulates on the streets overnight. Toronto used to have this reputation as a clean city. There is an apocryphal story of a film crew trying to recreate a New York neighbourhood with trash strewn all around the set, and when they came back from their meal break the city had cleaned it all up. Ha. Not any more. Toronto smells like gasoline and rotting food. Even after the street cleaners do come by there are so many cigarette butts they still pile up in the gutters in tiny white drifts. I keep myself awake by counting them while I'm waiting for the bus.

You know, I've always wondered about that. Do cigarette packs have liner notes that say, "Throw On Ground"? I have no fewer than six ashtrays in my yard whenever I have a party, and I still spend a week afterward picking butts out of my yard. I have watched people walk past the ashtrays on my porch to toss their cigarette in the street, and when I point at the receptacle they just wave vaguely and say, "It's OK." Um. In what universe? It seems to be universal smoker behaviour and it includes people who would never throw say, an empty pop can in the street. I honestly can't fathom it.

Maybe it's just been normalized that nobody thinks about it. I remember when the government decided to boot all the psychiatric patients out of the hospitals in order to "integrate them back into the communities". Except that the communities had no facilities for them. I went from seeing a homeless person maybe once every other week to seeing dozens in a day. I remember walking through the grounds around City Hall and seeing hundreds of people sleeping on the grills that vent warm air up from the underground parking. At the time I was horrified. Hell, I'm still horrified. Most people I know don't remember it as having ever been any different.

Yeah, definitely grumpy today.

Or maybe just discouraged.

[1]Stardust. Highly recommend it.

the source of my discontent: The Top Five

I think maybe I'm feeling overwhelmed.

1.) The house is moving along, but a lot slower than we would like. Mostly because we work different schedules and so the time we have available to work on it is pretty limited. We need to have the basement sorted by the time we turn the furnace on, so we're starting to feel the time crunch. And since reno work isn't the only thing we have or want to do with our spare time, it's getting kinda crunchy.

2.) I'm doing really really crap on the sorting out my dietary issues. If somebody plonked a list of foods and a schedule on my desk I would have no problem following it, but because I'm trying to figure out a lot of it on my own, it's a huge pain in the butt[1]. The experiments I've made with alternative flours[2] have been complete failures, and research and experimentation takes up time I could be doing other things. I find myself staring into the fridge trying to think of something I want to eat, and as often as not I say fuckit and make myself a sandwich and down a handful of pills. This is not what I want to be doing.

3.) Three years after a quit the damn company, LD50 showed up back on my doorstep like a 16 year-old shoplifting charge that just will not go away. I spent days going through boxes of old paperwork and telephoning government offices and I'm pretty sure the appropriate records have finally been submitted. But still. If a human ex kept up this kind of behaviour I'd take out a damn restraining order.

4.) I want to get off the phones at work. I even have a reasonable idea of what I need to do to accomplish that. I just have no left-over mental energy to put towards it. None.

5.) Money and debt. Kill me now.

[1]No scatalogical puns intended.

[2]Most recent purchases; chickpea, millet, moong and rice flours. Now I just have to hunt down recipes that don't include wheat.