coming up for air

There are melted cats all over my house.

It is unreasonably hot in Toronto right now. Like, posted warnings and opening cooling centres for homeless people levels of hot, the kind of shit that normally happens in July. It's almost October. A couple of weeks ago I'd mentioned to Axel that this had been a really good summer for me in terms of being able to breathe - it rained almost every day, which was really effective at keeping all the crap out of the air that triggers my asthma. Not so much the past two weeks. I was downtown on Friday and I couldn't stop gasping.

The brainmeats have been a major shitshow for the last couple of months. I think Axel's accident was just the the last straw of extra worry and stress that just slid me off the edge. I think I'm starting to recover now, finally. I feel like I can look around and I'm starting to see the edges instead of just infinite black hole.

When things got really ugly I always have the internal debate about whether or not to go back on the meds. I don't know that they caused the vestibular damage. But I also don't know that they didn't, and given how debilitating the nerve damage has been it seems like just too much of a risk to take. Even if it means I spend a lot of my time feeling like shit.

On the plus side of things, work has been going really shockingly well. So at least I am a high-functioning chronically depressed person.