using the bodies up as we go

Interesting things about having disabilities that are kind of not.

I have arthritis in very specific parts of my body. In my lower spine, right above my hip, for example[1]. So bending forward from my waist is an issue. BUT I lift weights, so I also have very strong arm and leg muscles. When my back is being difficult I often have this conversation where I say, "I can carry heavy boxes, but somebody has to hand them to me. I can't bend over and get them."

And sometimes, when I'm doing lots of yoga and stuff, those muscles are good so (careful) bending over is fine.

(When the back is being a bitch I also have this thing where I can't reach a thing if it means stretching horizontally across a barrier. So living in a place where shit is piled against all the walls is A PROBLEM.)

Pat of my physio has been years of specifically building up muscles around parts of my body that are weak, so mostly now I can do things, whatever those things happen to be. The doing of thing has to be controlled and careful and making sure I'm using the correct muscle. I've had this conversation with so many physiotherapists, I never hurt my back lifting weights. When I throw my back out, it's because I fucking sneezed or some kind of bullshit like that and it means being out of commission for a couple of weeks. Do you have any idea how ignominious it is to bench press a twink worth of weight on a daily basis and then be taken out because you are allergic to lavender? Seriously?

I think about this now because I've hit the years where the medical profession is kind of eh, yes-your-body-is-going-to-fall-apart-and-we-are-going-to-pretend-that's-normal attitude. Every time my step father goes into the hospital they just... leave him in a bed and go well, he's 80+ whatduyawant. But I see how much his health & strength deteriorates without something as simple as being able to sit in a fucking chair.

So this leads me into my feelings about the whole pandemic.

Covid is kind of a perfect storm for me, because I have chronic asthma, a family history of heart issues and immune issues and I'm at the age where all of a sudden I can't assume I have a robust immune response. ALSO I have some PTSD around the fact that family were smokers when I was an asthmatic kid so I KNOW for an absolute fact that people will just... disregard your genuine physical stress if that means they get to go on doing the thing that threatens your life.

(I have. Stuff. Around that. A little bit.)

So like I do all this physio shit every day because it means that I can balance and bend and function. And I mask because I Do Not Trust other human beings not to take that away from me. (See me experience with being asthmatic around smokers above.) But also because I know that if I do hit a place where I'm hospitalized because I'm sick I have learned that there is nothing set up to help me be functional once I get home. If lying in a hospital bed for weeks means I can't walk or take care of myself any more once I get out, well too bad so sad. Fuck me.

So yeah, I'm a little jumpy around that shit.

And I genuinely don't know how to have that conversation with other people.

[1]Also my hands. I specifically had all our doors equipped with lever handles because on a bad arthritis day I can't turn a round door knob.