Yes, ideally, you do. Everyone does. Using your examples above, you know when your boundaries have changed because you live in your skin. I don't live in your skin, so I only know your boundaries secondhand, and I don't about any changes to them unless you tell me, or if I test them and find them different than I did before.
To repeat, no I don't know my boundaries. Because they do change -- constantly and at a highly variable rate. I don't know that they've changed because I live here, I know that they've changed because they have never stayed the same.
The people who intimidated me 20 years ago aren't a smear on my shoe today. The task that was insurmountable a year ago due to overwhelming depression is a piece of cake today. The place I could walk to without even thinking about three weeks ago is too far away today. The adrenaline rush that I get when a loved one is in danger completely overwhelms a foe that would have crushed me ten minutes ago.
People have been grousing me about me "pushing myself" ever since I got off the operating table, but how the hell am I supposed to know what I am capable of until I try it and fail?
And try it again and fail.
And try it again... and maybe succeed.
If "live" means "know everything about", then I most certainly do not live in my skin. I live in a highly mutable dreamspace.
(And time don't work right neither.)
If I find someone's boundaries have changed, I tread carefully while finding out how and why the changes took place, because I want to be respectful of the person in question. It's not for me to go charging through anyone's boundaries because I'm displeased at finding them there. This is easier said than done, especially when I'm frustrated, but I do try.
Maybe my problem is less that people's boundaries have changed, and more that they haven't.
Anyway, I'm not critiquing people's boundaries or grousing because they have them. I am pretty firmly in favour of enforcing boundaries.
My bitch is only that it oftentimes feels like it's a lot of energy to constantly be checking and re-checking that I am careful enough of other people's needs and I am always terribly shamed and unhappy and wearied when I fuck it up.
Hell, it was only very recently that I finally realized that I really am more resiliant than most people, and that maybe I should start paying attention when other people start complaining about being tired/hungry/uncomfortable/etc.
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zvi
Re: defining fragility
Date: 2002-09-27 02:35 pm (UTC)To repeat, no I don't know my boundaries. Because they do change -- constantly and at a highly variable rate. I don't know that they've changed because I live here, I know that they've changed because they have never stayed the same.
The people who intimidated me 20 years ago aren't a smear on my shoe today. The task that was insurmountable a year ago due to overwhelming depression is a piece of cake today. The place I could walk to without even thinking about three weeks ago is too far away today. The adrenaline rush that I get when a loved one is in danger completely overwhelms a foe that would have crushed me ten minutes ago.
People have been grousing me about me "pushing myself" ever since I got off the operating table, but how the hell am I supposed to know what I am capable of until I try it and fail?
And try it again and fail.
And try it again... and maybe succeed.
If "live" means "know everything about", then I most certainly do not live in my skin. I live in a highly mutable dreamspace.
(And time don't work right neither.)
If I find someone's boundaries have changed, I tread carefully while finding out how and why the changes took place, because I want to be respectful of the person in question. It's not for me to go charging through anyone's boundaries because I'm displeased at finding them there. This is easier said than done, especially when I'm frustrated, but I do try.
Maybe my problem is less that people's boundaries have changed, and more that they haven't.
Anyway, I'm not critiquing people's boundaries or grousing because they have them. I am pretty firmly in favour of enforcing boundaries.
My bitch is only that it oftentimes feels like it's a lot of energy to constantly be checking and re-checking that I am careful enough of other people's needs and I am always terribly shamed and unhappy and wearied when I fuck it up.
Hell, it was only very recently that I finally realized that I really am more resiliant than most people, and that maybe I should start paying attention when other people start complaining about being tired/hungry/uncomfortable/etc.