on my radar

[the_siobhan]

I just finished reading a news article about a woman who is facing an extradition trial in Canada. She kidnapped the children (twins) she had previously given up for adoption and ran across the border. The US and Canada have pretty specific agreements in place around these kind of circumstances because non-custodial parents have made a bit of a habit of grabbing children and running across government lines. So chances are pretty good she's going to be shipped home to face prosecution.

The thing that got me about this story is that the woman in question changed her mind about putting her kids up for adoption just 12 hours after signing the paperwork.

When I put Jenn up for adoption I had something like 90 days to change my mind before the file was closed and lost all my legal rights. During that time she was placed in a foster home. It wasn't until the 90 days was over she went to her permanent adoptive family, when there was no chance of them having to go through the emotional impact of having their new daughter taken from them.

So basically she would not be a kidnapper if she had been living in Canada when she made the choice to adopt out her kids, and then subsequently had a change of heart.

I'm not sure why I'm talking about this. Possibly because it's a subject close to my heart for obvious reasons. And in general I think the extradition treaties we have with the US are largely a good thing.

But in this case I think their process is broken and I'm currently debating with myself as to whether or not we have the right to decide to distance ourselves from that.

Comments

[mathochist.livejournal.com]

Yes, exactly. They recognize now, most places, that separation after bonding is traumatic for an infant, and can even result in attachment disorder or other problems long term. It's better to place the child with the adoptive parents, who should be adult enough to be able to hand them back, painful as it is, if the birth mother changes her mind within the allowed time.

I don't have all the details of this case, but I find it hard to believe that there wasn't a wait time before the adoption was final. I suspect it's something like that other case several years ago, where the birth mother changed her mind, the adoptive parents refused to return the child even though they had no legal right to keep her, they fought in court for years, and the birth mother eventually won. Sounds like in this case they made some kind of visitation arrangement rather than fighting over custody for years.

[panic-girl.livejournal.com]

who should be adult enough to be able to hand them back, painful as it is, if the birth mother changes her mind within the allowed time.
Sorry, that doesn't make sense. If the birth mom should change her mind, the infant has still bonded to someone else, and now has to bond again (in your line of thinking). Then you also have a heartbroken set of parents on the other end and probably a huge court case. Could YOU hand back a baby so easily? One you've waited not 9 months, but years and years for? I doubt it.

[mathochist.livejournal.com]

It wouldn't be easy, I understand that very well. But adoptive parents are supposed to understand those risks.

And yes, the shift back to the birth mother would be traumatic for the baby. However, I also believe that the baby bonds with the mother before birth. Babies are born knowing their mother's sounds and smells, and they show that (this has been well studied). A separation at birth is, at least somewhat, traumatic in any case. A return to the birth mother, of whom they probably still have visceral memories, within the first few weeks, is probably *less* traumatic than a switch from foster parents to adoptive ones.

Also, it's a balance -- there has to be a balance -- between the baby's needs and the parents'. The child, being a child, is paramount, but the birth mother's needs and rights can't be completely ignored, either. A wait time before finalizing a decision that major and permanent and emotional is more than reasonable, I think it's essential.

Meanwhile, placing the baby with the parents who will *probably* keep her minimizes the risk to her of an(other) attachment trauma. The alternative, placing her in foster care, *guarantees* that she will have that trauma.

[panic-girl.livejournal.com]

The alternative, placing her in foster care, *guarantees* that she will have that trauma.
I really have to disagree on this one. Since I've been through it myself, I can tell you that the 90-day foster care part isn't a trauma. Being separated from one's birth mother is rough, I do know that, but for many reasons, not just what happens right out of the womb (but I'm sure that has something to do with it). I'm sorry I'm just annoyed at all this conjecture about something that people don't really know, or understand. I've been there, THAT WAS ME, and those 90 days? Cakewalk. Really.

[mathochist.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but how can you know that?
You can know that it hasn't affected you long term. But you can't actually remember what your experience was *at the time*. Can you?

[panic-girl.livejournal.com]

Possibly. But if I can't know it, having been there, how can you even begin to think you can?

[sharkskitten.livejournal.com]

adoptive parents are supposed to understand those risks.

Gosh, i hate to speak up, but...as an adoptive mom, myself, i have to throw in my own experience.

i could not stand to have my daughter placed with me, and then have her ripped away. As it was, she recognized me as her mom very early in the adoption process and it was heartwrenching to have to hand her back to her caregiver at the end of our visits. Kinder Goth screamed in rage and clung to me. She knew i was her mom and that was that.

A child is not a commodity. Unfortunately, in the US kids are treated that way. Parental rights are more important than the child's rights. And i feel that it's wrong.

What's important is what is in the child's best interest. Having the money to adopt does not make you the best parent and neither does the ability to procreate.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

She knew i was her mom and that was that.

It's wonderful that you found each other.

For Jenn's most recent birthday her father invited me out for dinner with them and the rest of her family. At one point her grandmother pulled me aside and said, "We all love her very much." It choked me up so much I couldn't even answer her.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's just....wonderful. Both that they love her so much and that they're so comfortable with you.

I'm tearing up just thinking about it.