on my radar

[the_siobhan]

I just finished reading a news article about a woman who is facing an extradition trial in Canada. She kidnapped the children (twins) she had previously given up for adoption and ran across the border. The US and Canada have pretty specific agreements in place around these kind of circumstances because non-custodial parents have made a bit of a habit of grabbing children and running across government lines. So chances are pretty good she's going to be shipped home to face prosecution.

The thing that got me about this story is that the woman in question changed her mind about putting her kids up for adoption just 12 hours after signing the paperwork.

When I put Jenn up for adoption I had something like 90 days to change my mind before the file was closed and lost all my legal rights. During that time she was placed in a foster home. It wasn't until the 90 days was over she went to her permanent adoptive family, when there was no chance of them having to go through the emotional impact of having their new daughter taken from them.

So basically she would not be a kidnapper if she had been living in Canada when she made the choice to adopt out her kids, and then subsequently had a change of heart.

I'm not sure why I'm talking about this. Possibly because it's a subject close to my heart for obvious reasons. And in general I think the extradition treaties we have with the US are largely a good thing.

But in this case I think their process is broken and I'm currently debating with myself as to whether or not we have the right to decide to distance ourselves from that.

Comments

[mathochist.livejournal.com]

If you're thinking of attachment disorders though, wouldn't that rule out all adoption? Of course, that's not what you're really saying, but there is a slippery slope argument there.

I'm just saying, minimize the risk as much as we reasonably can. I don't think it would be reasonable to rule out all adoption, obviously. To minimize the number of changes a baby is likely to have to go through, though, I do think is reasonable and worthwile.

And, I mean minimize the traumatic experiences at the time, as well as minimize the risk of long-term damage.

You just said that you think most are fine? Or do you mean that most are traumatized but then become fine later. Sorry, bit confused as to what you're saying.

I mean most are traumatized -- the experience is painful -- at the time, but most turn out fine in the long run.

But, even if we *knew* that a particular baby would turn out fine (say we had some way to test for a predisposition to attachment disorder, or something), I don't think that would mean that we shouldn't still do what we can to minimize their pain, trauma, or discomfort in the here and now.

I don't mean to be coming off as telling you what your experience was, truly. I just don't think either of us can *know* how you experienced it as an infant. I do find it very hard to believe that any infant could go through a separation without some very real emotional pain. Exactly what that experience is, though -- how much pain, how long? -- I'm sure is highly individual.

And, I also think it's valid to say that none of this really happened to *you*, in the sense that "you" are the collection of experiences that you can remember. It's more like, this happened to the infant who eventually became you. We know that nothing that happened to her stopped her from becoming a pretty okay you, and that's great! But if she was here today, I'd still want to make things as nice, and as low-risk, as possible for her, in all ways.

I hope that makes sense...

[panic-girl.livejournal.com]

Thanks for that last bit. I appreciate that. I guess a lot of me is really thinking more of my parents and how it would affect them if I had been taken away. No, I don't know how or if I was traumatized as an infant, but I can tell you that it's not lasting, at least for me. Hell, I was traumatized when I broke my toe at 3, but I don't need to see a shrink about it. ;)

I also bristle at the notion that I could have attachment difficulties with my parents (though I don't think you said that). That sucks to hear, and I think any kid who's adopted and loves their parents would feel awful seeing that.

I dunno, this whole thread feels like being talked about in the third person, even though that's not what you (all) are trying to do. It's a very, very odd feeling.

[mathochist.livejournal.com]

I guess a lot of me is really thinking more of my parents and how it would affect them if I had been taken away.

*nod* And since you know and love them, that probably affects you on a more personal level than even thinking of the abstraction of your infant self.

Think about the foster parents, too, though. (Yours and others.) Even when you know the separation is coming, it's still got to be heartbreaking. That's one reason I'm not a foster parent. I don't think I could go through that again and again.

It's a very, very odd feeling.

Hmm, I wonder if this is how men feel about circumcision threads.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

I also bristle at the notion that I could have attachment difficulties with my parents (though I don't think you said that). That sucks to hear, and I think any kid who's adopted and loves their parents would feel awful seeing that.

Your relationship with your adoptive parents seems to be a whole lot stronger and healthier than mine with my biological parents.