in response to recent events on my f-list

I make you this promise

If I am mad at you, I will not smack-talk you behind your back.
I will not get together with other people and make up stories about you.
I will not launch sooper sekrt conspiracies.
I will not play practical jokes.
I will not tell you that your friends don't really like you.
I will not tell your friends that you don't really like them.
I will not sleep with your boyfriend
Or your girlfriend
Or your dog.
I will not photoshop your head onto ugly bodies and hang them on my fridge
Or post them to the internet.

Most of all, if I am mad at you
I will not shit-talk you behind your back.

I make you this promise
You will always know where you stand with me.
Because if I am mad at you, I will come to your house and punch you in the nose.


(I'm only a little annoyed, I'll settle for a shot in the arm.)