friends without benefit

questionoftheday asks: Would you want to be friends with yourself? Why or why not?

My answer:

I'm honestly not sure how to answer this question. I'm kind of a mess.

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I am not a person who is good at anything you might label "self-care".

Medication I am supposed to take, appointments I am supposed to make, things I am supposed to do to keep this lumpy painful meatsack going, or even just slightly less lumpy and painful... I don't decide not to do them, I just can't seem to keep the thought in my head for more than five minutes. "I have to make a point of doing this every day" turns into doing it once and then not doing it ever again ever.

I am trying to be better at this and I decided the best way to pick up a bunch of new habits was to attack them one at a time and try to normalize them. There are suppliments for my joints that I should be taking and so a month ago I plonked a big bottle onto my desk where I can't help seeing it. This has resulted in me taking them... about half the time. I doesn't feel like a habit yet, I still have to think about it, but my joints feel slightly less like they are trying to kill me so I'll take it as a win.

Step 2 is to try and get more exercise which should be slightly easier now that I crunch less when I move. And now that we have air conditioning. I swear by all the household gods, we turned it on for the first time this weekend and it's already changed my friggin' life.

Also on the list is "drink less" and "sleep more". Those will be easier once Step 2 has kicked in properly.

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Darrell's ashes will be buried on Monday and I am dreading it. When Fiona died the viewing was a couple of hours before the actual funeral, then we buried her immediately afterwards. For Darrell there was a viewing, the funeral the following day, and now the burial almost four months later. Back in March there was so much going on and it was all so overwhelming I was just trying to get through each day, now I have had weeks to anticipate how much it's all going to suck. I just want it to be over.

And then on Tuesday I have to get up in the morning and figure out what I'm going to do about living the rest of my life.

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I've stepped back from Facebook again. I will delete my account entirely after the burial. That definitely counts as self-care, because fuck that hellsite.

So yeah, that's the state of the nation right now. Depressed. Fighting it.