the_siobhan: It means, "to rot" (Default)
[personal profile] the_siobhan
At one point when I was in the hospital with him, I told somebody I felt like I was trapped in amber. The only thing that changed was the colour of the light coming through the window. People came in and out, nurses did things, the phone blipped and beeped with calls and messages. Time stretched into infinity and I spent all of time inside a single beige room.

Meanwhile I fluttered around him like a moth, holding his hand, reading to him, talking to him, beating my wings against the glass while a candle slowly guttered out on the other side.

It still doesn't feel real. He spent three months at the hospital so it hasn't quite sunk in yet that he's not in the house. I'm not going to the hospital every day so now I have all this time on my hands and a huge to-do list and I'm seemingly incapable of connecting them to each other.

The funeral is on Wednesday. Maybe that's when it will finally hit me.

I will be OK. Everything will be OK. I have my partners, I have my friends, I have my family. Eventually life will stumble into something resembling normal. I will figure it out.

But in the meantime, I'm still trapped in amber.

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-18 04:27 pm (UTC)
lil_m_moses: (tulips)
From: [personal profile] lil_m_moses
I'm so sorry for your loss, and send you love in your time of grief.

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-18 04:46 pm (UTC)
elusis: (Default)
From: [personal profile] elusis
I just talked to my dad yesterday, who is coping with suddenly having to do a lot more caregiving for his wife as her cancer has progressed. And he said what seemed to me a strange thing: "Every day is the same." So now I read this, and I understand a little more.

Lots of love, Sio.

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-18 06:37 pm (UTC)
boxofdelights: (Default)
From: [personal profile] boxofdelights
I'm so sorry for your loss.

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-18 06:48 pm (UTC)
misbegotten: Picasso's Melancholy Woman (Art Picasso Blue Woman)
From: [personal profile] misbegotten
Such a loss. I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this.

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-18 08:29 pm (UTC)
sabotabby: (doom doom doom)
From: [personal profile] sabotabby
I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. There are barely words, though yours feel visceral.

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-18 08:38 pm (UTC)
ashbet: (Secret)
From: [personal profile] ashbet
*gentlest of hugs*

That whole "What do I do with my time now?" happened with my Dad, as well -- you get into a routine of caregiving and reading-to and visiting, and all of a sudden, your hands are empty.

Sending you so much love during this worst of times.

<3

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-18 10:45 pm (UTC)
nicklausse: (Default)
From: [personal profile] nicklausse

Same day as my dad in 2011. Needless to say, Friday entirely sucked. Yes, the numb and the motions. Let us know how we can help. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-19 02:09 am (UTC)
kalmn: (pirate)
From: [personal profile] kalmn
Oh, honey. May his memory be a blessing. Hospitals are terrible. Not having to go any more is worse. *hug*

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-20 05:00 pm (UTC)
kalmn: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kalmn
Thinking of you today. *hug*

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-19 03:22 am (UTC)
50ftqueenie: (Default)
From: [personal profile] 50ftqueenie
We are all here for you. So much love and strength to you.

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-19 06:59 am (UTC)
greylock: (Default)
From: [personal profile] greylock
Sorry to hear.
Stay strong.

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-19 11:44 am (UTC)
armiphlage: (Max)
From: [personal profile] armiphlage
*careful hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-19 05:34 pm (UTC)
ironed_orchid: sepia image of woman kissing a bird (underworld (by regyt))
From: [personal profile] ironed_orchid
I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine what you're going through.

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-19 07:00 pm (UTC)
sushispook: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sushispook
Oh my friend, I am so sorry.

Let me know if there's any way I can help with the process & journey. I am rooting for you to get all the gentle care you need.

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-20 06:06 am (UTC)
evening_tsar: (Default)
From: [personal profile] evening_tsar
The candle may have gone out, but not the warmth it gave. . .

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-21 04:12 pm (UTC)
disastrid: (Default)
From: [personal profile] disastrid
<3

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-23 12:54 pm (UTC)
mr_sharkey: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mr_sharkey
All the hugs - if not now, then soon.

(no subject)

Date: 2019-03-29 07:17 pm (UTC)
kest: (flight)
From: [personal profile] kest
Well, and it's ok to not be ok for awhile. Much love to you.

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