damage report
Apr. 1st, 2003 04:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_siobhanSpent some time tonight hanging out with people who are very dear to me.
I'm funny. I'm going through some stress right now, and being able to sit and shoot the shit about the toxic fucking waste dump that was once my life is actually comforting for me. Not the thinking about the Life That Was part, but just being able to talk about it now -- hell, make jokes about it -- with people who don't give me the "Oh, my God!" face whenever the topic comes up.
Because it reminds me that I am living with people who are not alien to my soul. Damaged goods and survivors, just like me.
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Whenever I am in stressful situations, my body decides that an emergency has been declared, and it diverts all blood flow from my stomach. Which means anything that I eat sits there until the body gets tired of playing host to a lump of organic material and summarily rejects it. Violently even.
I've been in a stress situation for five days. I've eaten twice in that time. The second was a couple of hours ago and I'm waiting to see if it was a bad idea or not. Beer usually helps, so I might get lucky tonight.
In it's purest form, it's not a bad reflex to have. I can go for days without worrying about feeding myself in situations that warrant it.
When one is Damaged, however, it means that the reflex is called into action when it's not needed for survival.
Best diet I've ever heard of.
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So, um, I mentioned being stressed right now, right?
I can trace the reasons for why I'm responding like this. I can see why the current situation differs from the recalled situation and why the "emergency" response is not necessary in this case. I am completely confident that a strong response is not called for in this situation.
What I can't do, is turn it off.
Frustrates the fuck out of me. I hate not being in control. What I especially hate is feeling like the people who have to deal with me on a daily basis are stuck with the repercusions of things that are not his fault. (For the most part, they are remarkably blasé about it.)
And, uh. I hate not being in control.
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So this too will pass.
So. How was your day?
I'm funny. I'm going through some stress right now, and being able to sit and shoot the shit about the toxic fucking waste dump that was once my life is actually comforting for me. Not the thinking about the Life That Was part, but just being able to talk about it now -- hell, make jokes about it -- with people who don't give me the "Oh, my God!" face whenever the topic comes up.
Because it reminds me that I am living with people who are not alien to my soul. Damaged goods and survivors, just like me.
Whenever I am in stressful situations, my body decides that an emergency has been declared, and it diverts all blood flow from my stomach. Which means anything that I eat sits there until the body gets tired of playing host to a lump of organic material and summarily rejects it. Violently even.
I've been in a stress situation for five days. I've eaten twice in that time. The second was a couple of hours ago and I'm waiting to see if it was a bad idea or not. Beer usually helps, so I might get lucky tonight.
In it's purest form, it's not a bad reflex to have. I can go for days without worrying about feeding myself in situations that warrant it.
When one is Damaged, however, it means that the reflex is called into action when it's not needed for survival.
Best diet I've ever heard of.
So, um, I mentioned being stressed right now, right?
I can trace the reasons for why I'm responding like this. I can see why the current situation differs from the recalled situation and why the "emergency" response is not necessary in this case. I am completely confident that a strong response is not called for in this situation.
What I can't do, is turn it off.
Frustrates the fuck out of me. I hate not being in control. What I especially hate is feeling like the people who have to deal with me on a daily basis are stuck with the repercusions of things that are not his fault. (For the most part, they are remarkably blasé about it.)
And, uh. I hate not being in control.
So this too will pass.
So. How was your day?
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-01 02:57 pm (UTC)