can we still be friends?
Nov. 23rd, 2005 08:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_siobhanWhat do you owe your friends?
What do they owe you?
And are the rules universal? Or does it depend on the person?
A story I tell fairly frequently is about an online conversation I was having where I mentioned that the majority of my friends are always late for things, so I always plan meeting spots to be comfortable places where one can while away some time with a coffee and a book. The person I was talking to was horrified. Why would I want to be friends with people who obviously had so little respect for me, she wanted to know.
And I was horrified right back at her. My best friends have been with me through some of the darkest periods of my life, have given me support, advice, a shoulder when I needed it, have been genuinely happy for me when I've had good fortune, have moved me, have moved my dead bodies and have been some of the best company I could ask for on some of the most ridiculous adventures I could imagine. Why the hell would I ever give that up?
Do my friends owe me punctuality?
I used to have long arguments with somebody over his "dumping" of a mutual friend. If you were friends, I would argue, he has at the least the right to know that you're pissed off at him. The other maintained that since the friend was in the wrong, it was his obligation to be the first to get in contact. But why would he get in contact if you haven't told him anything is wrong? And the circle went 'round and 'round until we stopped being friends as well.
Do you owe your friends an explanation?
I dated a guy in University who told me that if a friend didn't phone him for a month, he would always tell the person to fuck off if they called up afterwards expecting to just pick up where they had left off. If they couldn't make the effort, he sniffed, they weren't worth his time. After finals had finally wrung me out and left me for dead I figured there was no point in even trying to get back in touch so I never bothered.
Do your friends owe you their time?
I wrote a story here about an incident which I count as the last of only three times in my life I have completely Lost My Shit. In the story one of my friends is running after me with no idea of what is going on, but ready - and in fact, running to back me up. I never expected it in a million years. I won't forget in a billion.
Do your friends owe you their protection?
I've had a number of friendships with people that I think of as "high maintenance people". All have ended badly. One was with a guy who would start every single email with, "I haven't heard from you in a while. Are you pissed off at me?" Another was with somebody who decided that I had hurt her horribly for some reasons that existed mostly in her own head and the fact that I hadn't panicked when she deleted her LJ (after announcing that she had no more time for LJ) was just proof that I didn't care about her.
Do you owe your friends your energy?
What do you think?
What do they owe you?
And are the rules universal? Or does it depend on the person?
A story I tell fairly frequently is about an online conversation I was having where I mentioned that the majority of my friends are always late for things, so I always plan meeting spots to be comfortable places where one can while away some time with a coffee and a book. The person I was talking to was horrified. Why would I want to be friends with people who obviously had so little respect for me, she wanted to know.
And I was horrified right back at her. My best friends have been with me through some of the darkest periods of my life, have given me support, advice, a shoulder when I needed it, have been genuinely happy for me when I've had good fortune, have moved me, have moved my dead bodies and have been some of the best company I could ask for on some of the most ridiculous adventures I could imagine. Why the hell would I ever give that up?
Do my friends owe me punctuality?
I used to have long arguments with somebody over his "dumping" of a mutual friend. If you were friends, I would argue, he has at the least the right to know that you're pissed off at him. The other maintained that since the friend was in the wrong, it was his obligation to be the first to get in contact. But why would he get in contact if you haven't told him anything is wrong? And the circle went 'round and 'round until we stopped being friends as well.
Do you owe your friends an explanation?
I dated a guy in University who told me that if a friend didn't phone him for a month, he would always tell the person to fuck off if they called up afterwards expecting to just pick up where they had left off. If they couldn't make the effort, he sniffed, they weren't worth his time. After finals had finally wrung me out and left me for dead I figured there was no point in even trying to get back in touch so I never bothered.
Do your friends owe you their time?
I wrote a story here about an incident which I count as the last of only three times in my life I have completely Lost My Shit. In the story one of my friends is running after me with no idea of what is going on, but ready - and in fact, running to back me up. I never expected it in a million years. I won't forget in a billion.
Do your friends owe you their protection?
I've had a number of friendships with people that I think of as "high maintenance people". All have ended badly. One was with a guy who would start every single email with, "I haven't heard from you in a while. Are you pissed off at me?" Another was with somebody who decided that I had hurt her horribly for some reasons that existed mostly in her own head and the fact that I hadn't panicked when she deleted her LJ (after announcing that she had no more time for LJ) was just proof that I didn't care about her.
Do you owe your friends your energy?
What do you think?
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Re: can we still be friends?
Date: 2005-11-24 02:32 am (UTC)punctuality doesn't matter at all; i adjust easily to people who can't manage to be on time by not putting myself into a situation where i would get pissy when waiting. punctuality isn't about respect for me; it's just one of those things that can cause problems if not handled creatively.
in general i don't think of friendship as "owing" things to people. i do spend time, energy, affection, etc on my friends, but that's because i want to, not because it's in a contract somewhere, with somebody counting the beans. it's more of a ... zen thing, *heh*. i'll notice if somebody never seems to have time for me anymore, but i don't think in terms of them owing me, but more in terms of zir having other priorities; and a friendship might drift out of touch completely if that continues. i tend not to "break up" with friends over them not treating me right; it's much more likely we'll never become friends if they don't treat me in a way i like. not having much specific time for me after the friendship is established isn't that big a deal -- it does matter during its formation, though, which tends to be intense, or at least have an intense period after a slow run-up.
i also tend not to become friends with people who count beans. it's all pretty low drama in my friendships, they just sort of drift around in my relationship space, sometimes closer, sometimes further away. i like them closer, but life has its own flow; there are so many competing issues that all take time and energy -- i don't blame others if they become involved elsewhere. i am happy when those i care about choose me as one of the factors in their lives.
my friendships are, if it wasn't obvious, largely cerebral; most are also long distance. the respect in them shows itself in the way we talk to each other, what we share with each other, how we react to differences in our viewpoints; that sort of thing. it is in some way about being there for one another, but not in a hands-on, helping each other hide the bodies way. few of us could afford the airfare. :) the most hands-on it gets these days is late-night IM sessions. i am ok with that, but been feeling a bit of an urge to make stuff for my friends, creating a more visual presence that shows how much i do actually think of them during my day.
Re: can we still be friends?
Date: 2005-11-25 10:49 am (UTC)I've since seen other people express the same sentiment as the woman I mentioned in my post. (She was just the first.) And it always weirds me out to see others agreeing that being late is a sign of disrespect, or of control. Because I'm constantly late and the only thing I'm trying to control is a universe that delights in fucking with the clocks whenever I'm around.
i also tend not to become friends with people who count beans.
I vaguely remember somebody in a.p. (Stef maybe?) saying that if zie starts counting beans it's a sign there is trouble in the relationship somewhere. That really fits in with my experiences as well.