can we still be friends?
Nov. 23rd, 2005 08:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_siobhanWhat do you owe your friends?
What do they owe you?
And are the rules universal? Or does it depend on the person?
A story I tell fairly frequently is about an online conversation I was having where I mentioned that the majority of my friends are always late for things, so I always plan meeting spots to be comfortable places where one can while away some time with a coffee and a book. The person I was talking to was horrified. Why would I want to be friends with people who obviously had so little respect for me, she wanted to know.
And I was horrified right back at her. My best friends have been with me through some of the darkest periods of my life, have given me support, advice, a shoulder when I needed it, have been genuinely happy for me when I've had good fortune, have moved me, have moved my dead bodies and have been some of the best company I could ask for on some of the most ridiculous adventures I could imagine. Why the hell would I ever give that up?
Do my friends owe me punctuality?
I used to have long arguments with somebody over his "dumping" of a mutual friend. If you were friends, I would argue, he has at the least the right to know that you're pissed off at him. The other maintained that since the friend was in the wrong, it was his obligation to be the first to get in contact. But why would he get in contact if you haven't told him anything is wrong? And the circle went 'round and 'round until we stopped being friends as well.
Do you owe your friends an explanation?
I dated a guy in University who told me that if a friend didn't phone him for a month, he would always tell the person to fuck off if they called up afterwards expecting to just pick up where they had left off. If they couldn't make the effort, he sniffed, they weren't worth his time. After finals had finally wrung me out and left me for dead I figured there was no point in even trying to get back in touch so I never bothered.
Do your friends owe you their time?
I wrote a story here about an incident which I count as the last of only three times in my life I have completely Lost My Shit. In the story one of my friends is running after me with no idea of what is going on, but ready - and in fact, running to back me up. I never expected it in a million years. I won't forget in a billion.
Do your friends owe you their protection?
I've had a number of friendships with people that I think of as "high maintenance people". All have ended badly. One was with a guy who would start every single email with, "I haven't heard from you in a while. Are you pissed off at me?" Another was with somebody who decided that I had hurt her horribly for some reasons that existed mostly in her own head and the fact that I hadn't panicked when she deleted her LJ (after announcing that she had no more time for LJ) was just proof that I didn't care about her.
Do you owe your friends your energy?
What do you think?
What do they owe you?
And are the rules universal? Or does it depend on the person?
A story I tell fairly frequently is about an online conversation I was having where I mentioned that the majority of my friends are always late for things, so I always plan meeting spots to be comfortable places where one can while away some time with a coffee and a book. The person I was talking to was horrified. Why would I want to be friends with people who obviously had so little respect for me, she wanted to know.
And I was horrified right back at her. My best friends have been with me through some of the darkest periods of my life, have given me support, advice, a shoulder when I needed it, have been genuinely happy for me when I've had good fortune, have moved me, have moved my dead bodies and have been some of the best company I could ask for on some of the most ridiculous adventures I could imagine. Why the hell would I ever give that up?
Do my friends owe me punctuality?
I used to have long arguments with somebody over his "dumping" of a mutual friend. If you were friends, I would argue, he has at the least the right to know that you're pissed off at him. The other maintained that since the friend was in the wrong, it was his obligation to be the first to get in contact. But why would he get in contact if you haven't told him anything is wrong? And the circle went 'round and 'round until we stopped being friends as well.
Do you owe your friends an explanation?
I dated a guy in University who told me that if a friend didn't phone him for a month, he would always tell the person to fuck off if they called up afterwards expecting to just pick up where they had left off. If they couldn't make the effort, he sniffed, they weren't worth his time. After finals had finally wrung me out and left me for dead I figured there was no point in even trying to get back in touch so I never bothered.
Do your friends owe you their time?
I wrote a story here about an incident which I count as the last of only three times in my life I have completely Lost My Shit. In the story one of my friends is running after me with no idea of what is going on, but ready - and in fact, running to back me up. I never expected it in a million years. I won't forget in a billion.
Do your friends owe you their protection?
I've had a number of friendships with people that I think of as "high maintenance people". All have ended badly. One was with a guy who would start every single email with, "I haven't heard from you in a while. Are you pissed off at me?" Another was with somebody who decided that I had hurt her horribly for some reasons that existed mostly in her own head and the fact that I hadn't panicked when she deleted her LJ (after announcing that she had no more time for LJ) was just proof that I didn't care about her.
Do you owe your friends your energy?
What do you think?
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-24 02:48 am (UTC)For me it depends on how close the friend is. Of course how close the friend is depends on their actions in the first place, but that's a given.
I tend to have two circles of friends with some mobility in between. Inner circle is basically "people I call on and who call on me when we're royally fucked or super excited about something." Outer circle is "drinking buddies." Lots of people fall somewhere in between, like a mobile zone where they're on their way to one or the other or just permanently somewhere in between. None are really lesser people than the others. They just fill different needs in my life as I do in theirs.
A big one for me is close friends hang out in each other's houses. I usually don't feel close to people I only see in commercial establishments.
What do people owe me? Not much, really. It's mostly "be who you are and if we click, then great." With close friends of many years I've been known to be extremely hurt if they aren't 'there' (e-mail or phone call suffices for 'there') during a difficult or celebratory time as I would be for them. Then of course you get the occasional fun person who launches personal attacks during a difficult or celebratory time. That usually warrants banning.
I used to be big on "close friends call each other on bullshit." Experience has taught me to add a v. important caveat of "choose your battles!"