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waking up to ash and dust
Jan. 23rd, 2015 01:50 pmWHY THE SHIT DO I EVER THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO GET ON THE SCALE? WHY THE SHIT DO I THINK IT'S A BAD IDEA AND THEN FUCKING DO IT ANYWAY?
Ahem.
Moving on.
It appears I was counting chickens when it came to the hot flashes. They are back like woah. I am now playing the sweater-comes-off-sweater-goes-on-sweater-comes-off game multiple times a day. I'm currently clocking them at one every couple of hours. This stage can sincerely fuck right off any time.
The freakiest part is that my sweat smells completely wrong. I attribute this to the steroids I'm on to treat the virus that took over the upper third of my body last week. It makes me smell like nicotine which... can't be right, but that's what my nose is registering. It's disconcerting as hell.
An interesting thing about the angry cycle, it seems to really damp down the voices in my head that tell me I'm worthless and contribute to all the crippling anxiety and panic attacks. No more brain weasels. Very much brain honey badgers. Brain wolverines[1] maybe. Whatever the current gold standard is for the asshole of the animal kingdom. (Really it's a good thing that mind-reading isn't a thing, it gets stupid in here. I promise to hie my ass to a doctor before I start actually smacking strangers in the street.) I don't remember that from prior cycles, but I really only just figured out that it's a regular part of my mental illness. Whatever, it's better than feeling like offing myself all the time, so I'll take it.
It has also contributed to some physical restlessness. Which I am liking very much even though I am occasionally at a loss as to what to do with it. It's been a while since I noticed I had a body in anything but a bad way. No worries. I'll get the hang of it again. And that's probably what inspired me to weigh myself this morning, in your daily installment of Bad Ideas 'R' Us. Less good, it's messing with my sleep. (Although that might also just be the result of playing throw-the-duvet-off-pull-the-duvet-on-throw-the-duvet-off several times per night.)
So...mostly yay? I guess? For now. I know there's a cliff coming, but maybe I can get in some groundwork to reduce the splatter zone. Not that it's ever worked before, but I keep telling myself I learn more each time I do this.
Forward.
[1] Until I told him, Axel didn't know that Wolverines were an actual animal. He thought the comic book character was named by playing on the word "wolf". Apparently they don't have wolverines in England.
Ahem.
Moving on.
It appears I was counting chickens when it came to the hot flashes. They are back like woah. I am now playing the sweater-comes-off-sweater-goes-on-sweater-comes-off game multiple times a day. I'm currently clocking them at one every couple of hours. This stage can sincerely fuck right off any time.
The freakiest part is that my sweat smells completely wrong. I attribute this to the steroids I'm on to treat the virus that took over the upper third of my body last week. It makes me smell like nicotine which... can't be right, but that's what my nose is registering. It's disconcerting as hell.
An interesting thing about the angry cycle, it seems to really damp down the voices in my head that tell me I'm worthless and contribute to all the crippling anxiety and panic attacks. No more brain weasels. Very much brain honey badgers. Brain wolverines[1] maybe. Whatever the current gold standard is for the asshole of the animal kingdom. (Really it's a good thing that mind-reading isn't a thing, it gets stupid in here. I promise to hie my ass to a doctor before I start actually smacking strangers in the street.) I don't remember that from prior cycles, but I really only just figured out that it's a regular part of my mental illness. Whatever, it's better than feeling like offing myself all the time, so I'll take it.
It has also contributed to some physical restlessness. Which I am liking very much even though I am occasionally at a loss as to what to do with it. It's been a while since I noticed I had a body in anything but a bad way. No worries. I'll get the hang of it again. And that's probably what inspired me to weigh myself this morning, in your daily installment of Bad Ideas 'R' Us. Less good, it's messing with my sleep. (Although that might also just be the result of playing throw-the-duvet-off-pull-the-duvet-on-throw-the-duvet-off several times per night.)
So...mostly yay? I guess? For now. I know there's a cliff coming, but maybe I can get in some groundwork to reduce the splatter zone. Not that it's ever worked before, but I keep telling myself I learn more each time I do this.
Forward.
[1] Until I told him, Axel didn't know that Wolverines were an actual animal. He thought the comic book character was named by playing on the word "wolf". Apparently they don't have wolverines in England.