hide the decline

I have come to the conclusion that my boss is a bully. She reminds me of teachers I had at public school who would force the anxious kids out onto the floor whenever there was some kind of dancing or public activity, pushing the kids to "have fun" no matter how miserable it made them. She organized an Ugly Sweater Christmas party and harrassed people every day until they agreed to participate. She's big on the social activities and the networking and meanwhile I'm all, "I just want to come in, do my meaningless fucking job, and then get the fuck away from you people." Yesterday I found out she's taking golf lessons to advance her career. It probably will.

I guess I'm just not a team player.

Back when I started working for the bank I described my career change by telling people I used to work in the health care industry and got job satisfaction from knowing I was doing something that helped people but that I had a emotional abuse-victim relationship with my employers. "But now I work for the devil, and he treats me really well." I can't say that any more. I haven't been able to say it for a while.

I can't really blame them. The Evil Empire has no space for worker bees that are too sick & depressed to fit in.

There always seems to be a point in my depression cycle where I get really really angry. It's usually the harbinger of a major downward spiral, but if I'm quick I can sometimes manage to harness the energy while it lasts. So I guess that's the point I'm at now.