I is for Insane In The Membrane (Insane In The Brain)

[the_siobhan]

Still not King.

Bugger.

the_axel's party was kind of an interesting experience[1]. I got to have lots of iterations of the conversation where people start off by saying, "We never see you." and I get to say, "Yeah, sorry about that. I never leave the house any more. I've been crazy."

I am very stubbornly determined to be Not Embarrassed about being crazy. I wouldn't be embarrassed if I had a broken leg, right? (Well I might, but only if the story of how I got it was really epic.) But I do still get kinda squirmy about talking to people about having this big lump of mental stuff and how I am, quite frankly, not dealing with it all that well. On the other hand, talking about it means I can't really get away from the fact that I'm not dealing with it all that well so that's a good thing in terms of pushing me back onto the right track[2].

What I am starting to get embarrassed about how bloody long this has been going on. I'm really fucking tired of it now and I would like to have my normal brain back, thank you very much.

It's hard to explain it to somebody who isn't in my head, but I've tried it a few times with BC & Axel. I describe it as wading in thick mud up to my chest. I'm dragging a cart through that mud and everything that I need to deal with, good or bad, is a weight on that cart. Work. Housework. Money. Family. Doctors. Eventually even the stuff I'm not doing becomes a weight. The dishes haven't been done in a week. The bathroom hasn't been cleaned in two months. Even the smallest things add up and as the cart gets heavier the harder it is to move. And the slower I go the less inertia I have to keep going. So eventually the whole thing stops and that's when I break into little pieces. That part is singularly unpleasant for me and anybody around me. I try to avoid it.

And as much as I love my friends and like hanging out with them, I really am a true introvert. Interacting with other human beings, no matter how pleasant, is another weight on that fucking cart.

On the plus side, unlike a few months ago where just getting through the day was running me into some pretty serious deficit, I now have enough space to add one or two things to my get-through-the-day list[3]. If I'm smart they will be things that make me get better as opposed to things that just feel good. Historically I'm not very good at doing that. But I'm getting really fed up of never leaving the damn house.


[1] Also fun. I know I'm getting better because I didn't have to hide in the bedroom and wibble even once.

[2] Basically I've been working tons instead of doing the things that make me get better. Because I need the money. Which is screwed up priorities, I already knew that. Saying it out loud to people who give me the scrinchy face when I own up makes it harder for me to justify doing it anyway.

[3] I was terrified of what was going to happen on my trip to the Netherlands/UK. I ended up being vastly improved. I credit walking 5 billion miles per day and getting as much sleep as I wanted whenever I wanted. I hung out with other humans every day and I was fine really up until the last day. Now that I'm back I'm still better than I was when I left, but nowhere near as good as I was when I first returned.

Comments

[unagothae.livejournal.com]

You are in my thoughts. The Crazy is no fun no matter what kind it is.

[victorianrose23.livejournal.com]

OMG Sio, sweetie, you're describing almost exactly what I've been going through since before Camille was born! I"m a totally raging, crazy bitch these days. I'm finally working on getting into a head doctor to get some help. I sooo feel for you. It happens to the best of us, babe. I'll keep you in my thoughts. :)

Since I Abused My Caffene Intake and Can't Sleep

[dali-muse.livejournal.com]

Have you gotten blood work done? (I need to go get that done again, I'm about due.)

Are you able to incorporate walking into a weekly routine? Although, IIRC, isn't Toronto a bit on the thick air/polluted side and you thought that you had asthma because of the poor air quality?

Have you tried St. John's Wort? OK, I'll stop with the questions. :)

I tend to bury myself in work to avoid dealing with anything that I don't feel like dealing with. Especially when things were going well at the store because I received a lot of gratification from that. Even when things were going poorly with the store I felt like I had to be there because my store needed me.

I would also add that you were dealing with a very sick pet who wasn't getting better which caused two stressful situations: the helplessness of seeing Lola not recover and the financial setback that that caused.

And to state the obvious: never underestimate the healing power of a good nights sleep.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it's a little better. I'm sorry it's still hard.

[siani-hedgehog.livejournal.com]

walking a lot works such total wonders on my mentalism, too. i've noticed that if i DON'T walk into town when i have time off work i go crazy, just because i'm missing the usual walk to work and back. who knew??

[kat1031.livejournal.com]

It must be going around. *sigh* Wish I had something more interesting/helpful/supportive to say other than yeah... totally.

[firecat]

everything that I need to deal with, good or bad, is a weight on that cart. Work. Housework. Money. Family. Doctors. Eventually even the stuff I'm not doing becomes a weight.

That is a description I recognize all too well.

I hope it stops being like that soon.

[inulro.livejournal.com]

Because I need the money. Which is screwed up priorities, I already knew that.

Well, yes and no. With my work ethic, I go even crazier if I'm Not Working and worrying about money stuff.

Plus, if there's one thing I've learned in life it's that money may not make you happy but it sure as hell does buy you peace of mind.

Take care.

Re: Since I Abused My Caffene Intake and Can't Sleep

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

1. No, because I haven't found a new doctor yet. (Axel is helping me with that one.)

2. Yes, and ideally I'd also be cycling. I've been crap at organizing that mainly through lack of spoons. And yes my breathing is definitely part of the problem with getting any kind of exercise. (Which is of course, aggravated by not getting any exercise. Go me.)

3. Yes and it gives me massive headaches. Same problem I have had with any SSRIs I've tried.

Getting my shit together to organize any kind of exercise program, even if it's just leaving the house early so I can walk to work - well that's one of the things that keeps dropping off my list because I get overwhelmed. Having to deal with medical stuff for Lola was a big factor in that. Having to deal with my own medical stuff is still a big factor in that. I know intellectually that if I can just pull it have I'll have more resources to deal with the rest but it's still like climbing a friggin' cliff most days.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

My work ethic is such that I am entirely not dependent on having a job to do lots of it. Trust me. :-)

What's been going on recently is that my job is offering overtime right now, which I've been grabbing because I need the money. But it's taking up the exact amount of extra time in my day that I would need if I ever managed to get an exercise schedule going.

Come to think of it the last time I hit a major depression bump was right before I got laid off - I spent about 4 hours a day at the gym when I was job-hunting and I think it's the main reason that I recovered as well as I did.

[missjanette.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

I can relate, bebe.

also, the cart-in-mud analogy is really really accurate. good lord.


<3 <3 <3

[ravensee.livejournal.com]

Running into you after a bit at Luminato felt really good. So was talking about Scrapyard. I didn't realize how much you were going through with breathing while we were doing it and its a good sign that despite what you went through with it, you long to do it still.

Yes I miss hearing you sing Pressure Drop, but I get that "Basically I've been working tons instead of doing the things that make me get better.". For me, I dive into activity to escape thinking about what I should be working on, mentally. It's funny how something that is supposed to help, when overused, can actually aggravate it.

We all have our waves of crazy at varying degrees. I think it's best for our psyche's to own up to those waves, shit or daisies, so that we can break out of those schemas and change them so our results will hopefully be different. There's no magic therapy or magic pill that fixes it all. I can say though, that time and growth, personal evolution and learning experiences provide us with methods and powers to change our reactions to the stuff that weighs us down. It's like, here's a ton of shit I have to deal with, how can I tackle it so I can either make it easier for myself or at least be able to see some light in my tunnel.

"I am very stubbornly determined to be Not Embarrassed about being crazy. I wouldn't be embarrassed if I had a broken leg, right?"

I like you. I like you a lot.:)

I'm here whenever you need it.

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

I have been thinking about you my lovely.
You *know* I understand!

Currently, I haven't SET FOOT outside the house for seven days!
But yes- trying to explain having a poorly brain to people who hae never experienced it is almost impossible.
I try, over on my journal and I try, when friends ask after me but it still doesn't change the fact that when one is having a proper bad bout of it, one can barely function...


XXX

[panic-girl.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you updated. When you didn't come to Sneaky's it was obvious that you still weren't feeling well. You were missed.

Re: Since I Abused My Caffene Intake and Can't Sleep

[dali-muse.livejournal.com]

I go to Fenway Community Health, which is Boston's LGBT clinic. It's the only place where I feel comfortable having doctors examine me. (I don't have anywhere near the stranger danger that excess_and_oohs gets, but it was enough that I didn't get a PAP smear until age 32.) I'm guessing Toronto has such a clinic?

At the very least, you can rule out the big M. If that's what is going on, and yes, it is a huge factor in causing the crazy, it's easier to fight your enemy when you know it's true colors. I think of it as a huge chemical crash in your body, and the body has to get back to homeostasis to recover. Last blood work that I had done to measure hormone levels, I was starting to level off and there's a huge difference between now and 2006 in which I had the full blown crazy.

If it's not, then plan B. I don't know what plan B is but we can come up with something.

[girfan.livejournal.com]

I understand. It took me 2 years to get the "real me" back and it wasn't easy and was frustrating as all hell.
*hug*

[nicklausse.livejournal.com]

And as much as I love my friends and like hanging out with them, I really am a true introvert. Interacting with other human beings, no matter how pleasant, is another weight on that fucking cart.

This is very well put. I can totally relate.

Does your job cover naturopathy? Frequently I've seen women in the midst of any of life's hormonal shifts experiencing troubling amplifications of any psych/mood challenges that they normally experience more mildly. A naturopath can help LOADS. Just an idea I thought I'd throw out there.

Love and support from here.

Re: Since I Abused My Caffene Intake and Can't Sleep

[tamago23.livejournal.com]

It might be worth trying another drug that doesn't focus primarily on serotonin. The SSRI's and atypical antidepressants always caused me issues but my wonder drug has been Wellbutrin, which is an SNRI - it does have some effect on serotonin but its primary mechanism is on norepinephrine.

[sola.livejournal.com]

Yes, exactly.


If you can make the things that are useful into drugs of their own, to supplant the work-drug, the fiction-drug, the repetitive-action-drug - then that seems to help. It's hell, though.

[ash-pixie.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear the grip of crazy is starting to let up at least a little. The wadding through muck/everything drags you down/quicksand feeling is so difficult to deal with, and worse yet seems to be self perpetuating. I applaud you for being able to make it as far as you have.

That being said, if there is *anything* I can do to help, let me know. I will be out of commission for a few weeks due to surgery/short vacation up north, but I'll be back and able to do whatever after July 7th. You and Axel have been great to me in the past with the whole trying to help me get a job thing, etc when I was really stuck and I don't forget those kindnesses. Also, I just like to help out when and where I can even if its just to sit around and watch crappy movies and drink a beer and about how ridiculous said crappy movie is--did I mention I own a lot of crappy movies?

Anyway...

Many *hugs* to you and know that you're in my thoughts.

Re: Since I Abused My Caffene Intake and Can't Sleep

[ash-pixie.livejournal.com]

As with tamago23 above, I had terrible problems with SSRI's and when I switched to an SNRI things got a lot better. I take effexor and it's helped a lot. Since it works with norepinephrine it reduces my social anxiety and anxiety in general and that helped us to discover that a lot of my issues stemmed from the anxiety making me depressed... It's an avenue worth exploring if you're up for it.

Re: Since I Abused My Caffene Intake and Can't Sleep

[tamago23.livejournal.com]

Yep. Effexor was hellish for me personally but I know a fair number of people who have had success with it. (Chemistry is so individual, I hope nobody gets the impression that if they try either Effexor or Wellbutrin and it's unsuccessful, they've "tried SNRI's" and shouldn't try the other one.)

I had a similar experience, the norepinephrine aspect really reduced my anxiety - I used to have panic disorder and now it's a lot more calm. There was a day within the past year when I messed up with taking my meds and didn't get one for 36 hours (usually I have one every 12 hours) and OMG, it was SO AWFUL. I'd forgotten what it was like to be in that emotional place where you're on the edge of panic every second.

Re: Since I Abused My Caffene Intake and Can't Sleep

[ash-pixie.livejournal.com]

Agreed. It's really difficult to find the right drug, but when you do it can be life changing. One that I tried originally had me puking up everything but raw steak, cream of wheat and Ensure in Strawberry flavour. I lost 20lbs that way in less then three weeks--had me at 95lbs--when I decided it wasn't going to work, not at all, and demanded I be switched to another drug that had worked on my sister, which was Effexor and it worked. :) It is a bitch coming off it thought. I only take one pill a day, but if I miss it by more then two hours I have issues.

Re: Since I Abused My Caffene Intake and Can't Sleep

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

The trouble with just trying a bunch of different drugs and hoping I'll eventually find the magical one that works is that the side effects are completely debilitating. I just can't afford to take the kind of time off work I would need to keep trying different drugs in the hope that one might eventually "fix" me. (Especially since if I had all that time off work I could devote it to doing the things that actually nips it off at the source and make the drugs unnecessary.)

And given how I've reacted to every single medication I've taken in my entire adult life, hoping that I will stumble across one that doesn't cause side-effects seems kind of a slim chance.

[elixxir.livejournal.com]

And as much as I love my friends and like hanging out with them, I really am a true introvert. Interacting with other human beings, no matter how pleasant, is another weight on that fucking cart.

This. Exactly. I wish I'd been able to verbalize it this well back in the day when people still held a vague hope I'd be around. :p