I is for Introvert

[the_siobhan]

The first time I ever had one of those Meyers-Brigs scores done was back when I worked at the pharm. They were using it as some kind of team-building exercise, and it was decided that based on my answers I was an INTP. Little bit "P". Really "T". Little bit "N". Really really really holy-crap-lookit-that-score "I". The "I" of course, stood for Introvert.

And nobody I worked with would believe it.

I got told I couldn't possibly be an introvert because I had purple hair and a nose ring. Because I had a lot of friends and regularly went to clubs and parties. One woman even told me I was too smart to be an introvert.

My absolute favourite reaction was from the director - herself a strong extrovert - who proposed that the test be administered during the interview process so that potential introverts could be weeded out before they got hired. To this day I have no idea whether or not she was joking.

All that was a long time ago. Now it's the twenty-first century and introverts are kind of like gay people - most folks who have a net connection have at least heard of us. Even if they don't know any themselves they have friends who have friends who are "innies" and the general consensus is that we should mostly be treated like normal people.

Because there are websites on Absolutely Everything there are even sites that talk about introverts. What they're like and how to take care of them. I've read a few. And eventually even the smartest ones, the ones written by introverts themselves say something stupid. Something like: "An introvert will prefer a quiet night with a few close friends than a loud party." Or "will prefer an evening of television at home over a crowded concert."

And I'm here to say in response to these pearls of wisdom, "Malarkey." I'm about as introverted as a human can get without actually turning into a hermit crab. And I love going to loud concerts and crowded parties - when I feel like going out. The only difference between me and some E-to-the-extreme extrovert like say, the_axel is that for him being around people is energizing. For me it's exhausting.

So while I can honestly say that I love being around people, my love bears certain similarities to how I love say, hiking. Or working out. Or really athletic sex. Because no matter how much I love it and no matter how much fun it is, eventually I'm going to get tired and I am going to have to stop. (The other similarity is that no matter how much I know I'm going to enjoy it once I get there, I still often have trouble getting off my ass to leave the damn house. Or that might be one of those other little-known personality traits like "lazy" or "addicted to Warhammer".) And it's also the case that when other things are going on, like depression (hello) or stress, my people-energy is the first expendable resource that my brain will jettison.

bcholmes is an introvert like me. the_axel, on the other hand, is a major extrovert. People recharge his batteries. He's never happier than when he is presiding over one of his pig roasts like an indulgent King in a Hawaiian shirt. When I would go through one of my never-leave-the-house phases he used to try to stay in with me and be The Good Boyfriend. Over time I could watch him visibly wilting from lack of stimulation. Eventually he couldn't take it any more and would drag me out to some social event - and then I wouldn't be able to get it together to go to work on Monday.

It took us a while but we finally managed to figure out that yes; he should go out dancing with our friends every week without me. He would get his much-needed social time and I would get THE ENTIRE HOUSE TO MYSELF omg bliss! for a night. Both of us are happy and it means when I have the spoons available to do social events I end up enjoying them a whole lot more.

But what's really funny? He's the shy one of the two of us. The one who hesitates when it comes to walking into an environment where he doesn't know anybody. I can think of multiple occasions where we've sat down at a bar together and I've ended up dragging us into a conversation with the strangers sitting next to us and afterward he's said, "How do you do that?"

So, me and Axel are: shy/extrovert + outgoing/introvert. Put us together and you get a whole person.

(I would classify bcholmes as a shy/introvert. Now we just need an outgoing/extrovert to complete the set. I'll just have to send them out with the_axel on a regular basis so they don't drive me nuts.)

Comments

[eveofdstruction.livejournal.com]

I've taken the Meyers Briggs multiple times and come out ENFP and INFP about equally. I am definitely VERY shy though often even with people that I know very well.

[missjanette.livejournal.com]

The other similarity is that no matter how much I know I'm going to enjoy it once I get there, I still often have trouble getting off my ass to leave the damn house.

Hey, how'd you get here inside my head?

It's funny, I tell ppl I'm deep in a hermitty phase and they don't believe it bc there are photos of me looking ecstatic wearing a cupcake dress and laughing like a maniac on GMA. What they don't know is that I had to psyche myself up for that for weeks.

I don't know if I'm shy or not. I mean, I'll talk to strangers but generally only if they approach me. I'll be smiley & inviting, but I generally don't approach.

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

I could have written ALL of that myself.
All of it.
I am an INTP too BTW!
And I too have a shy extrovert OH!
(As you know)


Keep writing girl, it resonates so very deeply with me.

[tamago23.livejournal.com]

One of the books I read about "spirited kids" clarified it: introvert/extrovert isn't about whether somebody likes people and being around people or not; it's about how they get their energy. Extroverts recharge their energy by being around others, introverts recharge their energy by being alone. But it doesn't actually have anything to do with whether someone likes being social or not, or whether they like large groups or small groups.

[the-other-j.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, a loud party requires less social energy than a quiet night with just a few friends. I can kind of float around from conversation to conversation, not really engaging much but sort of floating in a warm sea of "I am among people who like me." Whereas, being with a small group of friends requires me to be and remain socially engaged with the group the whole time.

I'm also getting good mileage out of the classes I've been taking. The primary activity (cooking, drumming, kayaking, whatever) energizes me, and I can then spend some of that energy on social interactions with my classmates and still come out ahead of the game.

[ihvpave.livejournal.com]

OMG! Lookit that: someone who understands the difference between intro/extroversion! Brava!

HotRod and I are much like you and Axel - I'm the talker, but I need alone time like whoa to recharge. He has an incredibly hard time talking to folk, but they recahrge him. It's a tough balance right now for us 'cos I'm doing so much Hyper!Social! for work that when I get home, all I want to do is relax, at home, away from everyone.

... And by the time I get back home from four or five days of intense social-like interaction, he wants to go out and be amongst people 'cos he's been home getting drained... But he also wants us to have time with each other.

I find myself making playdates for him when I'm going to be out of time, so we can have some balance when I get home.

I love people. I love being around them; the way they ineteract, communicate, all of it. I love being amongst them. But I also find it utterly exhausting. It makes me sad how very often those two ideas are presumed to be mutally exclusive.

[ravensee.livejournal.com]

So, me and Axel are: shy/extrovert + outgoing/introvert. Put us together and you get a whole person.

So sweet.:)

I used to be introverted but most due to repression at home. My sociability was school or books. When I got married I would prefer to go home or see a movie, but not much social activity.

After the kids were born and I quote my mom on this one, "You let loose." I like to think it was because the kids needed the social activity because of their social anxieties, but I think it mostly stemmed from my own needing to be myself.

I have algorithms set up for social interaction, all built up through time and therapy. I'm an extrovert by nature, but survival has me turtle-ing on occasion and mostly during the day. Most nights I just go out to release (dancing) stresses of the day. If I'm feeling really social I'll make plans ahead of time. I'm content going to club by myself and spending it myself just as much as I am content being in a social event with friends.

I can be pretty shy too, but that's anxiety for me. I'm outgoing when being shy will stop me from an experience that could pass me by. Sometimes I wish I were like my daughter who is extroverted, but introverted (tends to not talk to anyone) because she doesn't care about social interaction (her selective muteness which is slowly breaking away). But we need it to survive or else how would we get a job or buy our groceries?:)

I'm glad you guys have found a balance somehow. It's hard though. I live with a shy/introvert who gets energized by my outgoing/extroverted side, but we are content to cloister together in our own introversion when at home. Like today.

So while I can honestly say that I love being around people, my love bears certain similarities to how I love say, hiking. Or working out. Or really athletic sex. Because no matter how much I love it and no matter how much fun it is, eventually I'm going to get tired and I am going to have to stop.


THIS.:)

Honestly that activity, like running, is my own way of getting a break from it.

[hel_ana]

I grew up with an extrovert dad and an introvert mom. My father's parents were both extroverts, and to this day, my grandmother still doesn't get why my mom's fine hanging out at home by herself.. it drives my mom a bit nuts to constantly hear "why don't you come into town and spend the afternoon with me, because it must be awful being out there by yourself".

My dad, OTOH, despite being an extrovert, understands my mom's introversion, and vice versa. Of course, because she's a nurse, she was frequently able to get that recharge time when dad was at work and we were at school during her night shifts.

As a "I/E switch" (I need both social and quiet recharging time, with the particular need of the moment on my mental state) myself, it was good to have that balance between my parents, and that understanding.

The Paramour is a hard introvert (and he's outgoing, whereas I can be quite shy or reticent - some people have said cold and offputting - with people I don't know well) and it's been interesting adjusting to that. I was talking to him last night about plans for once the baby's born, since home is no longer guaranteed to be a peaceful place of recharging.

[the_axel]

Exactly. Not a lot of people seem to get that.

[vicki-sine.livejournal.com]

I am an Extrovert, but on any given day my score on Extrovert has varied from 1 to 20.

I am not sure that a 1 constitutes an Extrovert.

[unagothae.livejournal.com]

I came out XNFP when I was younger, meaning that I was about equally introverted and extroverted. I think that was because I had been alone my whole life and had made my first group of friends and was so excited for any opportunity to be around them that I didn't realize how bloody exhausted I was after a night of being around people..

Now, I'm STRONGLY INFP with just about equal T and F depending on which version of the test I take and the context in which I take it(some versions have better wording than others.)

[unagothae.livejournal.com]

Totally with you on the shy thing, though I do have a tendency to approach if I'm strongly interested and in an environment where I feel safe to do so.

People call me shy, but I think they mean quiet because I don't talk a lot unless I'm in a group of three or fewer people. Even then, it depends on the dynamic of the group. Mostly, I can only talk with one person at a time.

[unagothae.livejournal.com]

This was awesome to read today <3

[firecat]

I love being around people, my love bears certain similarities to how I love say, hiking. Or working out. Or really athletic sex. Because no matter how much I love it and no matter how much fun it is, eventually I'm going to get tired and I am going to have to stop.

This is an awesome description.

Where I stand on those various axes has been confused by my social anxiety issues, which I don't think are the same as shyness or introversion.

The social anxiety stuff has mostly gone away over the past couple of years (I have no idea why). The result is that I enjoy being around people more and can talk to strangers a little more easily. But I still get tired. I get tired a lot faster if the environment is generally noisy.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

What are you doing inside my brain? ;) I describe myself as a sporadically-extroverted introvert. I *need* my alone time every day or else I find myself wanting to kill people.

I got told I couldn't possibly be an introvert

I've been told that too, and I find it insulting. Why do other people think they know me better than I do? It also implies that there is something inherently wrong with being an introvert.

so that potential introverts could be weeded out before they got hired.

I really hope she was joking, but I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't.

[blackgrrr.livejournal.com]

Something like: "An introvert will prefer a quiet night with a few close friends than a loud party." Or "will prefer an evening of television at home over a crowded concert."
And I'm here to say in response to these pearls of wisdom, "Malarkey." I'm about as introverted as a human can get without actually turning into a hermit crab. And I love going to loud concerts and crowded parties - when I feel like going out.

Admittedly, I haven't done this test, or if I have it was some considerable time ago, but there is no way on God's green earth I would rate as an extrovert in any sense of the word, and I am the complete opposite end of the spectrum.

Sure, when I do actually leave the house I do tend to have fun, but put me with more than 2-4 people and I 'opt out'.

As someone said up-thread (tamago23) I "get my energy" from being alone (and lord, do I need copious amounts of alone time, or being with 1-2 other people (and ignoring the rest of the world).

And K and I have a similar relationship dynamic as you and Axel in dealing with the whole 'going out alone' thing. I pretty much can't handle seeing too many people too often.

[markeris.livejournal.com]

I had one recently and came out INTJ and was genuinely curious because I`ve been "succesfully" faking extroversion as required for so long now as to what I`d come out as. I laughingly said "I`m not sure which one of us is answering this" to the woman holding the training day and she looked at me as though she was going to have me sectioned by the time the feedback questionairres were circulated.

[emzebel.livejournal.com]

Soooooooo much this. Then again, that will hardly surprise you.

I love going out once I get there, but damn if it's not exausting.

[emzebel.livejournal.com]

I can totally relate to this. I'm solidly IN, though I vaccilate on the Feeling/Thinking and Perceiving/Judging axises depending on the day and the test.

Interestingly, I get a huge energy rush from performing in front of people, but I get more exausted from 20 minutes of conversation with strangers than I would 2 hours of singing or acting in front of them.

[kylmak.livejournal.com]

Some people just don't get it.

In other news, you relationship looks a lot like angel and I. :)

[spikella.livejournal.com]

amen
to the third degree