suit of evil bees
Sep. 18th, 2013 12:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_siobhanSo here's my deal.
The first thing is the vertigo. It's being bloody slow about it, but it is getting better. My current theory of what actually happened to me is that when I take SSRIs they make my inner-ear mechanism overly sensitive (I have gotten severe vertigo every single time I've been on them) and that being on the drugs for the length of time that I was meant that the sensitivity became persistent[1][2]. But it is slowly wearing off over time. Emphasis on the slowly. The yoga seems to actually be helping somewhat because it aggressively forces me to balance in different poses which seems to be rehabilitating my brain's ability to figure out where my body is in space. Everything else I do for it - which all boil down to "keep my head clear of snot and other things that mess up my sensory systems" - is basically helping me manage the symptoms.
So it's progress, and as long as it continues I can live with the fact that it's taking its sweet time. I was on the SSRIs for 18 months, with luck that will be as long as I need for the effects to wear off. (I will have been off them for a year at the end of October.)
Which brings me to the second thing.
I'm afraid my depression might be coming back.
So you can probably imagine how I feel about this. I Do Not Want to have to go back on drugs and undo the little progress I have made on you know, being able to walk down the fucking street like a normal person. On the other hand I've already lost so much time to the evil spirit that is profound depression I don't want to risk falling down the black hole again.
Now it might be that the brain chemicals will recover on their own as my grief moves from the forefront to the background. Or you know, they might not. And waiting too long will mean it will be that much harder to recover if I do eventually get to the point of having no choice but to treat it.
I'm genuinely stumped here. Pretty much both of my choices fall into the "worst case scenario" category for me.
I don't know that I'm looking for advice here so much as putting my problem out in front of me where I can look at it from all sides and stroke my beard and go hrmmm.
It does explain why all my dreams lately have been about being kidnapped and imprisoned underground. (It's been demons for about three nights running.)
[1] I noticed a couple of weeks ago that it's affected the way my brain interprets visual input. A level floor always looks tilted to me now. I recently looked at an image of a box inside two parallel horizontal lines and until I got out a ruler I would have sworn that the lines were angling towards each other.
[2] I would love to be able to prove or disprove that theory by the way, but the idea of dealing with Yet More Fucking doctors exhausts me just to think about.
The first thing is the vertigo. It's being bloody slow about it, but it is getting better. My current theory of what actually happened to me is that when I take SSRIs they make my inner-ear mechanism overly sensitive (I have gotten severe vertigo every single time I've been on them) and that being on the drugs for the length of time that I was meant that the sensitivity became persistent[1][2]. But it is slowly wearing off over time. Emphasis on the slowly. The yoga seems to actually be helping somewhat because it aggressively forces me to balance in different poses which seems to be rehabilitating my brain's ability to figure out where my body is in space. Everything else I do for it - which all boil down to "keep my head clear of snot and other things that mess up my sensory systems" - is basically helping me manage the symptoms.
So it's progress, and as long as it continues I can live with the fact that it's taking its sweet time. I was on the SSRIs for 18 months, with luck that will be as long as I need for the effects to wear off. (I will have been off them for a year at the end of October.)
Which brings me to the second thing.
I'm afraid my depression might be coming back.
So you can probably imagine how I feel about this. I Do Not Want to have to go back on drugs and undo the little progress I have made on you know, being able to walk down the fucking street like a normal person. On the other hand I've already lost so much time to the evil spirit that is profound depression I don't want to risk falling down the black hole again.
Now it might be that the brain chemicals will recover on their own as my grief moves from the forefront to the background. Or you know, they might not. And waiting too long will mean it will be that much harder to recover if I do eventually get to the point of having no choice but to treat it.
I'm genuinely stumped here. Pretty much both of my choices fall into the "worst case scenario" category for me.
I don't know that I'm looking for advice here so much as putting my problem out in front of me where I can look at it from all sides and stroke my beard and go hrmmm.
It does explain why all my dreams lately have been about being kidnapped and imprisoned underground. (It's been demons for about three nights running.)
[1] I noticed a couple of weeks ago that it's affected the way my brain interprets visual input. A level floor always looks tilted to me now. I recently looked at an image of a box inside two parallel horizontal lines and until I got out a ruler I would have sworn that the lines were angling towards each other.
[2] I would love to be able to prove or disprove that theory by the way, but the idea of dealing with Yet More Fucking doctors exhausts me just to think about.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-09-18 05:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-09-18 05:30 pm (UTC)