crack open the skull and look at the world inside

[the_siobhan]

Funny how synchronicity works. I've been talking to a friend over the last few days about what-goes-on-in-the-head, and as a result I've been looking more closely than normal at what has been going on in my own noggin over the past week. (So you, you've unintentionally given me a poke that it turns out I needed. You know who you are.)

The results are a bit disquieting.

I'm a stubborn bitch. It's my greatest strength and my most-often mentioned fault. It got me through things where plain obstinate slogging was the only way out. (Like, frex, my entire childhood.) But it also means I try to tough my way through things instead of changing course as soon as I should. It's the reason I dealt with the agony of Fred the evil growth for six years instead of going under the knife a long time ago.

So when things are not quite right, I have a tendancy to just put my head down and try to barrel through it. Usually that's enough. But not always.

I've been feeling really -- I don't know what the word for it is. Inert. Uninspired. Unproductive. Indifferent. Not like me. I have taken no pleasure in the things that usually give me a lot of joy. My work. Hanging out with my friends. Life in general.

It could be just a normal low, and that's pretty much how I've been treating it. But. They don't usually last this long. And in the past it has also been the precursor to something much darker and nastier.

Part of the problem might be post-holiday blahs. Lots of people talk about the post-Convergence blues, when you are missing all the people you only get to see once a year and are back to the mundane shit of work and school. But that doesn't quite feel like it adequately fits my mood.

Part of it might be pure lack of oxygen. My lungs took a pile of punishment during the last few weeks. (I was the only non-smoker in the crowd I was travelling/staying with -- although not surprisingly not the only asthmatic) and although I'm usually fine with a weekend of being around smoke, three whole weeks really put the boot to me. I've had a rock in my chest and haven't been able to catch my breath properly since we got back.

A small part of it might be lack of private space. Three people living in a space barely big enough for two has put the territorial part of my brain into a severe case of the snits. That's stressful, but nothing I can't deal with.

the_axel's take on it -- and he may have a valid point -- is that as much as I live off the big stressful battles, the current ones aren't giving me as much of the feedback that I need. I haven't had anything finish for a while, and without that sense of accomplishment to keep me going, I'm getting bogged down in the immensity of the amount of work I've bitten off.

Anyway, this has been percolating with me since I got back into town, but it really kind of came to a head yesterday. (At a friend's bomb OCAD celebration. My timing sucks 'nads.) I kept mentally returning to a conversation I had just had with a friend who had been terribly hurt by something that I did. (In my usual bull-in-chinashop, full-steam-ahead, bystanders-what-bystanders fashion.) The conversation was a good one I think, and there was no blame or animosity attached to it -- but it brought up uncomfortable reminders of how thoroughly and utterly J had convinced me that I was an evil, malevolent person.

Of course the friend was saying nothing of the kind, but it was disturbing how quickly and easily that wound could re-open itslef. When things from the Evil Depression start resonating into my current life, that's a danger sign, y'know?

So. Um. Here I am. And since I suffer from an advanced case of Male Answer Syndrome, of course the next thing I want to know is, "What do I do next?"

• Learn to breathe again. (Sorry reprobates, I may have to cut down on my appearances at the pub for the next little while. I lost all my money in Vegas anyway.)
  
• Go to the gym, dose myself up with bronchiodialators and throw heavy things around until I can't lift my arms. (On the books for the second I put down this keyboard.) Do it every day until I get my evil back.
  
• Get some of the overwhelming levels of crap piles sorted out. Put things in boxes that are floating around unused. Not feeling buried by big heaping "to-do" piles and stacks of "I-don't-know-where-to-put-this" will probably go a long way in reducing my feeling of being at the bottom of a swamp. Not to mention reduce my guilt at creating a big pile of mess in zero_gravity's domicile.
  
• Quite frankly I work better under looming, leering, malevolent deadlines with big nashy teeth. I'm going to make big epic lists of all the stuff I have to do and assign dates to all of them. If I'm sitting up at 4am with a can of jolt on the desk and a three-piece luggage set installed under each eye I will be in back in glorious dragon-slaying mode in no time.
  
• Spend some time in a dark (hopefully non-smokey) pub with the small handful of people I feel comfortable unloading all my really slimey shit onto. Slime them with malice aforethought.
  
• Come July, knock down a bunch of walls. Nothing quite cheers a case of the blahs like a big-ass sledgehammer and a virgin stretch of plaster.
  

And most importantly check in on my head. Often.

Comments

[eciklb.livejournal.com]

Your plans all sound like good ones...I'm particularly jealous of the sledgehammer and plaster option. I have plaster, and I could get a sledgehammer, but I don't actually want any holes in my walls at the moment. Damn.

Anyway, if you're setting yourself deadlines, feel free to post them up so we all can harass you into meeting them. :)

In addition to the things you've mentioned, a few that work for me are getting out of doors, doing something I've never done before, and breaking things (yea for thrift store crockery).

Smashing down walls

[the_axel]

IIRC, Most of the knocking down walls is going to be done around the_siobhan and my housewarming party on July 4th weekend.

Come up & join the fun.
Bring beer.

Re: Smashing down walls

[eciklb.livejournal.com]

Oooooh, tempting...and I might even be on this side of the planet, for once. I was thinking about going hang gliding right about then, but it occurs to me that Kitty Hawk will probably be overrun by idiots celebrating. Hmmm....

(The cogs in BlackIce's head start to spin...).

Re: Smashing down walls

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

There are places around here that rent out tools. I wonder how they'll react when I walk in and ask to rent two dozen sledgehammers and a box of dust masks for a weekend.

We'll need to round up as many BBQs and beer coolers as we can find as well.

*plots*

Re: Smashing down walls

[eciklb.livejournal.com]

Assuming you just want standard dust masks, not respirators or something, it's probably just best to buy a box, they're not that expensive. And if you want two dozen sledgehammers, it might take more than one rental place.

I wonder how well curried yogurt potatoes would travel?

Re: Smashing down walls

[kest]

You realize, right, that once you get half of North America in your house, the walls are going to be much harder to smash? ;)

Re: Smashing down walls

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Well, we won't have any actual furniture yet, so there will be lots of room for bodies.

(We plan to have a second party once we're actually finished knocking things over as well. One that could conceivably involve clothes that people don't want to get dirty.)

[the_axel]

The house is pretty big, we have a big back yard & there'll be close to no furniture in the house.

It'll be fine.

&, if not, at least it'll be fun.

[dethinwntr.livejournal.com]

It could be just a normal low, and that's pretty much how I've been treating it. But. They don't usually last this long. And in the past it has also been the precursor to something much darker and nastier.

Self fulfilling prophecy? That's what I'm trying to NOT do right now. Adversly it's when I feel pretty darn happy that I just *know* something is looming to stomp me into submission.

I love the idea that you named your growth btw.
I'm a stubborn bitch. It's my greatest strength and my most-often mentioned fault
I figured out in abundance in Vegas, I need to learn to relax. When my credit card and debit card both failed (I forgot numbers and got over charged) I felt like I had no safety net, I freaked even though my boy was right there ready to help. It's the idea that things were out of my hands, *I* have to be able to fix it. I can't trust anyone, it, seems enough to count on them to pull through in a time of need. Probably why I got so frantic doing shows.

I think Axel is probably right. What maybe pushes you to do as much as you do is the feeling of getting things done, and feeling so great at the accomplishments. If your not getting that, it's kind of like not getting fuel on the fire. You obviously know yourself pretty well, and for that your lucky :) and all the more likely to come out on top of this blah.
.02 from the Dtowner who never really gets to spend any time w/ ya *L*

[kest]

Part of it might be pure lack of oxygen. My lungs took a pile of punishment during the last few weeks. (I was the only non-smoker in the crowd I was travelling/staying with -- although not surprisingly not the only asthmatic) and although I'm usually fine with a weekend of being around smoke, three whole weeks really put the boot to me. I've had a rock in my chest and haven't been able to catch my breath properly since we got back.

Don't underestimate the effect bodily chemical intake has on your brain. Even secondhand nicotine is something of an addictive substance. And three weeks of greasy roadside eggs and Vegas prime rib is probably not your normal diet, either.

*feeds you some vegetables*

[the_axel]

Sounds like a good plan to me.

[lee-chaos.livejournal.com]

I fully intend to reply to this with all due urgency, but I'm drunk right now (the preface to 'self-wonderfulness the ether way') but we NEED TO TALK, preferably over Guinness, coz I so feel your pain on the bunch of li'l tasks / no sense of achievement thing big time.

I understand late August/eArly Septembewr is iable, as is late October/early november in this time zone...

To be continued...

[purplesofa.livejournal.com]

You are amazing!

I like the idea of giving deadlines big gnashing teeth. Might work for me too. Wish I had a need to smash walls or throw crockery - sounds fun.

The name "Fred" gets applied to the oddest things. Your growth, my chandelier... Speaking of which, will I see you Saturday night? No smoking indoors, there are plans for healthy food, and still some interesting people plan to come.

Saturday

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I'm working, unfortunately. Shiftwork sucks for some things, and weekends is a big one of them.

I hope your new place is thoroughly warmed.

Sounds like a good plan.

[mrph.livejournal.com]

Quite frankly I work better under looming, leering, malevolent deadlines with big nashy teeth. I'm going to make big epic lists of all the stuff I have to do and assign dates to all of them. If I'm sitting up at 4am with a can of jolt on the desk and a three-piece luggage set installed under each eye I will be in back in glorious dragon-slaying mode in no time.

Sounds extremely familiar - it's the way I usually end up dealing with deadlines. Stack 'em up high enough that I can (and have to) devote my full attention to them without getting distracted , then plough through them...

I'm with you on the walls-and-hammers front, too. Useful destruction is so therapeutic...

[reddragdiva]

We so need to spend a long time at a good pub.

[the-tsm.livejournal.com]

Everyone's getting pensive these days.

And of course nothing goes with pensive
like protracted alcohol abuse. . .