brain noodles

[the_siobhan]

Shall I do a sleep vs work count? Or y'all bored with that shtick yet?

It seems to me that's all of what I post about these days. Well, a few maggot stories notwithstanding. If you think it makes for dull reading, it makes for pretty dull posting too.

The thing is, there's stuff going on that I want to noodle about on here - and I can't.

I always figured a lot of people get Drama going on in their journals because they immortalize things in text that are best discussed over pints at the pub. If you want to slag somebody, for fuck's sake, do it where you aren't leaving any physical evidence.

But.

I'm well aware of the fact that writing engages a different part of the brain than talking, or just chewing about in yer privates. If you really want to get a good handle on something, sometimes writing it really helps.

And then, you know, there's that whole feedback thing. And the resulting mental clarification that comes out of explaining What I Really Meant to the inevitable person who didn't get it.

But.

Hrm.

Pros and cons - The stuff I'm chewing over is basically the things that somebody did and my own "stuff" about it. Everything I would be reporting would be true. And quite frankly, if said person is unhappy about having their laundry aired in public, I don't give the slightest iota of a flying fuck. It sucks to be an asshole. Insert appropriate finger gesture here.

Pros and cons - People who I consider friends who are still friends with this person. Puts them in a bit of an awkward spot. Or maybe not, they're all grown-ups after all.

Pros and cons - One I just thought of - talking about it would violate the privacy of somebody I do care very much about. Crap. Guess that settles that.

Still. It would have been nice to ramble a bit.

Comments

[sheepthief.livejournal.com]

I have a second livejournal that's private, specifically for writing about such things when it would be wrong to divulge such things in public. It's not as useful as my usual journal in that of course there's no feedback - no external feedback anyway. But my writing stuff down still helps sometimes.

And yes, there are a lot of friends in common for me too.

[redbird]

If a private posting--just to get it on paper/screen--wouldn't work, you might try a friends group filter (basically a subset of your LJ friends list), which would let you limit who can see the post.

[individuation.livejournal.com]

As you're well aware... I have some filters. The most private one doesn't include any chicago people at all... so that ends a lot of drama. The second one only had two chicago people. Then, there's also the paper journal I keep just for me.

I find that getting feedback is the most useful part of LJ when I seem to be having problems.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

I hesitate to make this suggestion, in case it gets taken the wrong way, but here goes.

Could you create a very small filter of trusted people that does not include the person whose privacy you don't want to violate? That way you get to noodle, and the person in question doesn't have to be a witness to it. The filter would have to come with the very strict caveat that everyone involved must be bound to absolute secrecy.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

According to my moral code, violating somebody's right to privacy is a bad thing regardless of whether or not they find out I did it.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

Fair enough.

Just FTR, I wasn't advocating hiding deceit, but trying to find some sort of compromise that would get you the feedback you want.

Looks like one of those situations where it may not be possible. It sucks. I've got a few of those myself.

[drum-phi1.livejournal.com]

Hi you two!

I think you should both colour-in your LJ icons - I mean, it's a matter of personal opinion of course, but *I* would! :). Eek, I wonder if I'm being annoying/interfering :)??

I'm drunk again y'see. I've already caused myself some unpleasantness this evening, but I hope here at least I've done no significant harm.

Love you both; love you all;
Phil :D

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

My hair is coloured - does that count?

Love you both; love you all;

Aww, love you too, sweet man.

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

How about a very small filter including people you'd whine to in person if they were there? Surely you can't keep *everything* to yourself because someone would prefer you not talk about it.

Is it possible to sort through it and just talk about the stuff you really, truly can't finish processing without feedback? Or...can you ask the person you care about whether you can talk to a limited set of people about a limited amount of the private stuff?

[elusis.livejournal.com]

But if you don't identify them... and especially if you filter to a group of people who can safely be assumed not to know them... no privacy is violated.

[the-macross.livejournal.com]

reading back to the bit about being adults - adults discuss their issues with one another WITH one another.

-///

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Yep.

Which is tangental to what I'm talking about.

I'm trying to noodle out stuff that's going on my head. Stuff that's going out in my head is strongly affected by something somebody else did to me. So it's impossible to talk about Head Stuff without also discussing other person.

It's like say, trying to talk about childhood abuse issues and how they affect my current life is going to involved discussion of my parents. The purpose isn't to "have it out" with my folks -- that's something else entirely. But it would be impossible to sort out my feelings without any reference to them.

'Zat explain it?

[the-macross.livejournal.com]

I "hear" ya.

Filter!!!!

[theevilchemist.livejournal.com]

Somtimes, ranting to a select few of your friends is not only therapeutic, but also can give you some advice/info/ammunition to take home with you. I have several friend filters.

It's nothing personal, it's just, like all friendships, some friends can't deal with certain things, or simply such information doesn't interest them in the slightest.

For example, sometimes I rant about people to people who don't know the person I am ranting about, so they are more likely to offer more impartial advice.

jv

[girfan.livejournal.com]

What jv said.
I've done this as well.

[emulsional.livejournal.com]

When i went to the BiWOT meeting with Steph and Amy earlier this month, one of the topics of conversation was judgement. One woman was talking about a friend of hers who is religiously anti-gay, and this woman as a result hid her sexuality to protect her friend and her friendship. When she finally fessed up, her friend surprised her by accepting her choice and congratulating her happiness, despite her own beliefs about sexuality. The point was that sometimes when you're so afraid of judgement, you actually end up judging (and overprotecting) others based on those fears.

And MY point by telling this story is that it sounds like you're protecting the people in question by putting their needs above your own. Clearly, this is something you need to get out for your own mental health. And there's nothing wrong with being a wee bit selfish when it comes to your own comfort. While I think it's damn comendable that you refuse to violate the privacy of a friend, it's also important that you don't violate your own happiness by keeping it locked up tight. I'm willing to bet those super trustworthy friends you happen to have all over the place will understand where your motivations lie, and never presume that you (of all people!) are trying to stir up drama.

[lucybond.livejournal.com]

I recently commented on my journal that I'd never really got on with someone, so he wasn't a great loss to my social life. Over on his journal he then vociferously claimed I'd never been more than an acquaintance, who he tolerated because he likes my SO.

I'm sure we both feel much better for coming out & TYPING it, after all these years. Now I don't have to try & be friends with a man who drives me crazy, & vice versa.

So LJ-venting has its uses :)

[elixxir.livejournal.com]

Awww shit, now I wish I had seen this post before I went to the pub last night so I could have tried to pry some of the 'noodling' out of you over pints. As for the "to spill or not to spill" issue, I hear ya. There's a lot I'm noodling over myself lately that I haven't been able to post because it involves someone else, someone I don't want to hurt by airing dirty laundry in public. And it's driving me batty as well...on the one hand I don't feel like I'm being honest about myself and what's going on with me, and I'm once again keeping friends at arm's length which is something I swore I would try not to do anymore. On the other hand violating someone else's privacy is something I take very seriously too so I say nothing. Balancing your own needs with those of others you love ain't easy, but if you're truly going to get to the point where meltdown or total shutdown from friends is inevitable because of your silence you owe it to yourself AND the person who's privacy your protecting to do what you need to to keep yourself sane. At least that's the barometer I'm currently trying out.

[the_axel]

You don't need to worry about violating my privacy sweetie.

[the-fury.livejournal.com]

Hrm. Tricky question.

I would ask the person in question if they've already told people and create a filter containing only those people. Although that's really trusting the people you put in that filter.

Or find out if the privacy issue is acutally not all that important to them. Which pretty much removes that issue completely.

If neither are forthcoming, whip out the paper journal and throw it in there.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Or find out if the privacy issue is acutally not all that important to them. Which pretty much removes that issue completely.

Given that he just posted his permission, apparently not.

I expect I'll be in the mood for bitching again Real Soon Now.