nobody here gets out alive

[the_siobhan]

Christmas is less than two months away. That means that I will shortly be receiving my yearly bag of bath oils, lotions and perfumes.

I've done a reasonably good job of convincing the rest of my family to give up on the Christmas present thing, but my mother is the last hold-out. I suspect she always will be. And every year she gives all of her daughters a huge bag full of toiletries, just "a little something" that she managed to accumulate over the course of the year. A lot of them are freebies that she gets as rewards for spending a not-inconsiderable chunk of change on her own supply of lotions, oils, make-up and aesthetically-shaped bath beads designed solely to sit in a ornate bowl on the back of the toilet. (One area where I am decidedly Not A Girl. The back of the toilet is where I keep reading material and extra toilet paper. It would never occur to me that it's proper role is to support bowls of sea shells and coloured bath beads.)

So anyway, every year I get a bag of all this stuff. I give away anything I'm actively allergic to, add the make-up to the rest of the stock that's sitting around and collecting dust and sometimes get around to using the rest. I do tend to make good use a lot of lotions because I have chronic dry skin so I'm always slathering myself with stuff designed to keep my outside bits fully functional in their role of keeping my inside bits where they belong. So it's not like her gifts go completely unappreciated.

Except that in the last couple of years she's started throwing in wrinkle cream.

And I gotta' tell yah, I am entirely not sure how to take that.

It just so happens that in the last couple of months we've been digging through the clutter in our house and I stumbled across these little vials in tastefully subdued colours proclaiming their Regenerative, Hydrating, Age-Defying, Gravity-Defying properties. And I figured, what the hell?

At first I eyed them suspiciously. In what way exactly, would they serve to beautify my wrinkles? Make them plumper, fuller and longer? More shiny and conditioned? Cover them with glitter? (I have to admit, the gravity-defying part sure sounded like a hell of a lot of fun.)

I was somewhat mollified when I opened them up to discover they were pretty much just really small really expensive containers of skin cream. OK, not much threatening about that. I rubbed a little around my eyes and examined my face in the mirror. Looked exactly the same to me. I waited hopefully but I showed no signs of levitation so I pretty much shrugged my shoulders, tossed the vial on the counter and went about my day.

Those little vials stayed on the counter and every once in a while I would remember they were there and rub a little more of the glop into my face.

And I started noticing something.

I have wrinkles.

For the first time in my life I was bellying up to the mirror and taking a really close look at the skin on the parts of my face that move when I laugh or cry or have any expression at all. I wasn't looking at my face. I was looking at those little lines and crinkles and the closer I looked at them the larger they loomed.

And I stepped back from the mirror, took all those little vials of coloured creamy crap and dropped them all straight into the trash.

That was about a week ago. And it occurred to me this morning that maybe that stuff really does work.

After all, I haven't seen a wrinkle since.

Comments

[sushidog.livejournal.com]

One area where I am decidedly Not A Girl. The back of the toilet is where I keep reading material and extra toilet paper.
When it comes to toiletries, I am quite definitely A Girl; I have a huge stash of shower gels and soaps and lotions, and indeed bath products, although I don't actually have a bathtub.
However, the only thing on the back of my toilet is a plastic lobster named Rocky. What this says about me, I have no idea.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Any animal named rocky is inherently cool.

Do you have Rocky and Bullwinkle in your land?

[sushidog.livejournal.com]

He's kind of cool; a friend sent him to me from Whitby; she was going to send me kippers, but I don't like kippers, so she figured a lobster (life-sized) would have to do instead.
I am aware of Rocky and Bullwinkle's work, although I'm not sure I've ever actually watched a whole episode of them.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

M actually buys me a lot of that anti-aging and wrinkle stuff every Christmas, and while most women would beat their spouse for that, I appreciate it cause that stuff ain't cheap.

It helps that he also gets me cool stuff like the Doctor Who Annual Yearbook. ;P

If you don't want any or some of the stuff your mom sends you, I'll happily take it off your hands.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I honestly think most of those products are a massive rip-off. I have never heard of a wrinkle cream that did anything more sophisticated than any other type of standard hand lotion. I have a bottle of Vaseline lotion in every room in the house because it's the perfect combination of "I won't curl up and blow away" and "I won't slide across every surface I touch".

And that's what I use on my face. I am unconvinced that the skin on my face is any more needy than the skin on my hands. For one thing, I don't do dishes with my face.

I'm actually all over the idea of using stuff that genuinely nourishes your skin. Such things that do exist are generally taken internally.

[rbowspryte.livejournal.com]

Although I hate the cosmetics industry and the messages it sends to us and society on a whole I still like to "get pretty" once in a while and do use some products. I try to stick to ethical companies like the Body Shop and Bert's Bees sorta stuff. The lotions and creams I use is only available at the health food store made with naturals or organics even.

I can relate however because my sister and mother usually by some conventional crap that is over fragranced and try to pass it off to me sometimes.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I totally get putting on the "flash" every once in a while. Make-up can be a lot of fun.

It's the emphasis on pretending that you've never had an expression or a life experience that I don't really get.

[ihvpave.livejournal.com]

I love my fucking wrinkles, man. I earned that shit from a lifetime of living and loving and laughing my fool head off. My crinkles and bumps are badges for living life well. From what I am given to understand, no one else really notices them on me, which amuses me, 'cos I love it when I see a new crease in my face.

At first I eyed them suspiciously. In what way exactly, would they serve to beautify my wrinkles? Make them plumper, fuller and longer? More shiny and conditioned? Cover them with glitter?
Though, I have to confess, I would love to find some sort of moisturising summat-summat that would cover them in glitter. Kind of as a highlighter, y'know? Maybe then I would stop getting carded when I go to the movies or buy smokes. 'cos... while it's flattering (I'm told that is the appropriate response), it's also a little ridiculous at very-close-to-33 to get carded for an R-rated film.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I earned that shit

I used pretty much exactly those words to somebody who kept insisting he could sell me something that would get rid of them.

You know it does occur to me to wonder if I'm being hypocritical in that I dye my hair. Except I don't dye it to cover the white. I dye it to cover the mouse brown that is my natural hair colour and that I can't friggin' wait until it finally turns white.

[ihvpave.livejournal.com]

Meh, I don't think so - you're not dying to to alter the marks of time, you're dying to match the Siobhan you are inside (who is no way mousy from what I know)... and that's a very different thing, to my mind.

But it may sound a wee bit insane the way I think it.

Re: nobody here gets out alive

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

i love my salt-n-pepper hair. like my wrinkles, i feel i earned that too (though i know people who turned white early in life, and know it's mostly not correlated with actual hardships). i wish there were some hair dye that dyed only the DARK hairs.

cause hair dyeing is all about the fun for me, not about covering the white.

and way to go about tossing the stupid rip-off wrinkle creams -- indeed, much of the marketing is designed to make you look at yourself as defective and in need to fixing with magic potions. none of that stuff enters this house (fortunately nobody feels safe giving it to me). i use lubriderm (or a generic that has the same stuff in it) to keep the dry skin at bay.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

May I repost this to readers_list? It so rocks. :)

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Go for it. And thanks for the compliment.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Done! (http://community.livejournal.com/readers_list/111866.html)

You're welcome. :)

[megiddo-lj.livejournal.com]

Excellent read. I bought some new makeup the other day that was all that anti-aging crap but not for the anti-aging. I bought it because it said it was formulate with caffeine and that amused me so that I had to try it.

I have a fair number of tins of oils and creams that I remember to use about once a month.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

You have very alert skin!

I have to admit, that would amuse me as well.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Brilliant. (-:

Something very like that happened to me a long time ago when some friend or other seduced me into a skin-care regimen that included regular facial masques, and gave me one of those two-sided mirrors that *magnify* your face. I quickly became convinced OMG I had pores the size of craters, and must needs *do* something about that.

Of course, there was nothing at all wrong with my pores. I was just spending too much time peering at them in magnification. I realized that after dropping the mirror and breaking it. Never replaced the damned thing.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I'm trying to remember when I first started seeing marketing that implied that one's pores could be defective, but I honestly don't know. I honestly didn't really become aware of them until recently.

At least the bum bleaching kits are being received with the derision they deserve.

[ravensee.livejournal.com]

I loved this post.

I find wrinkles sexy.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've been finding that for many years I've really started gravitating towards people who look like they have a little road dust on them.

Apart from anything else, they have much better stories.

[ravensee.livejournal.com]

I find a wrinkled smile, genuine.

The women in my family have always used a mixture of brown sugar and extra virgin olive oil on their faces for their complexions into their old age. I find most of those wrinkle products, skin rejuvenating products and the like to just be basic body lotions in "scientific" looking containers. It's a big rip off industry.

I MISS YOU SIOBHAN!!

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Aww.

At some point we'll call a hiatus to the house-building and then I can have a social life again.

[dark-phoenix54.livejournal.com]

OMG! You are one of the rare women who have discovered that the actual function of anti-aging products is to make you paranoid about the fact that you are aging! You must be hunted down and destroyed before you spread the word and the entire cosmetics business crumbles into dust!

You know the thing that gets me the most about the ads for ethe anti-aging crap? The models are almost all women in their 20s. Are they saying women in their 20s are already past their sell by date, or that the expensive crap in the tube will make you look like you're 20 when you're 50? I'm not sure which one is more unrealistic to me.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

There used to be an ad for botox that was plastered all over the bus shelters downtown. It showed an attractive young woman staring into her mirror with her hand pressing on her chin and a look of horror on her face.

No matter how many times I studied that ad I could never find a single wrinkle or blemish anywhere on her. It struck me as very weird that they were taking the entirely realistic and authentic approach that the women who are seeking out botox treatment don't have a damn thing wrong with them.

[eveofdstruction.livejournal.com]

Firming lotion works the same way. The more I used it the saggier I thought my boobs were.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Firming lotion? They market lotion to make you firm?

What's next? Tall cream? Instant Japanese schoolgirl balm? Gender Blende (TM)?

[dali-muse.livejournal.com]

As soon as you find Instant Japanese schoolgirl balm, let me know where I can buy it.

That would rock.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

It would certainly make Halloween easier.

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed reading that, Hun. Well written and very well observed! :oD

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :-)

[missclea.livejournal.com]

Ditto on that! and plus, all that smiling and laughing while reading might have earned me some! WOOT!
seriously, you so incredibly rock Sio!
:P
and i, like a lot of others, also think that wrinkles are sexy. They have a story, they carve one's face and expressions beautifully.

[girfan.livejournal.com]

I use a moisturiser every day, but nothing designated as anti-aging or wrinkle cream, and I don't have too many wrinkles showing other than the character ones someone of my age should have.

[faerierhona.livejournal.com]

*giggles lots* I love that! I do use creams and things, but like you mainly because I have excessively dry skin (psoriasis). Though I am, decidely, a girly-grrrrl

BTW - don't you think wrinkles are sexy on people?|Or at least fascinating? I love laughter lines and crws feet. When someone laughs and their entire face laughs with them that is just gorgeous!

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Exactly. I love lines that say that somebody has had life experiences - it looks like they're going to be interesting to talk to.

[faerierhona.livejournal.com]

I know it's cheesey, but the Beautiful South song Prettiest Eyes is one I love for that sentiment

I don't want to look like a piece of old leather by the time I'm 40, but what's wrng with a map of my life on my face?

[silentq.livejournal.com]

*applause* :)
I started noticing wrinkles on my neck recently, so I sometimes remember to put moisturiser there too when I'm trying to stave off my face flaking off, but mostly I just ignore them. I like corner-of-the-eye crinkles, they make me happy. :)

[peculiaire.livejournal.com]

Despite occasional flashes of girlyness, I've never seen the point of Decorative Soap. I'm with you on the reading material and toilet paper (and sometimes and air freshener, since I have a tiny toilet closet that can get a bit... close... if you know what I mean.)

As for wrinkles - maturity and a sense of humour are sexy, and damn anyone who says otherwise. I mean, I do believe in sunscreen, Not Tanning (pfeh!), and moisturizing to prevent bits from flaking off, but there are Limits.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed this post, and dropped the link into my irc channel :)