D is for Dishabille

[the_siobhan]

All you people who maintain the illusion that I'm some kind of a bad-ass would completely change your opinion of me if you ever spotted me while clothes shopping.

I am hard on clothes. I wear them until they are close to tatters. I have one(1) pair of jeans not mended with patches, and only because I need something decent to wear on casual days at work.

Part of the reason for this is that I hate hate hate clothes shopping with a deep and passionate vitriol. What I want to do is walk into a store, pick up what I need, pay for it and leave. I can do that with music, books, food and power tools. What I can't do it with is clothes.

Unfortunately I'm at the point where I really can't put off the task of going shopping for very much longer. I was down to my last two functional bras - except that on one of the them the underwire pokes a fresh hole in the fabric every time I wear it and starts creeping up and out the neck of my shirts. I've been patching the holes up but the fabric is now more spiderwebs of threads than anything else, and it's just not working any more. And on the other one I broke the underwire - snapped it in half - over two months ago.

So now I'm down to no functional bras. And last weekend I finally screwed up my courage to visit the store where I normally buy such items. Where I have been secure in the knowledge for many years that even though I might hate the process, I at least know their stock and approximately where everything is kept.

It's closed.

Shit.

OK, I can handle this. I'm a capable mature adult. I asked a few female friends were they go to buy underwear and since I just happened to find myself downtown yesterday after work, I made the last-minute decision to get this over with. I think the "last-minute" part is where the fatal error occurred.

I walked into the department store. I held my breath to hurry past the perfume aisles the way I always do, consulted the store map, and then took the escalator to the forth floor.

And found myself surrounded on all sides by women's unmentionables of every possible shape, size, fabric, colour and construction. Rows and shelves and racks of lace, cotton, polyester, boning, pleats, bows, straps, pink, red, black, white, blue, purple, striped, piped, patterned, reinforced, polka-dotted, strapless, topless, padded, belted, scooped, propped and ribboned.

I froze.

A salewoman made a vague meander in my direction and I bolted.

So I'm sitting here making this post while my underwire gradually creeps up my cleavage and tries to stab me in the neck. And I know I will have to go back to the store and try again.

I just need to psyche myself up for it first.

And maybe have a couple of belts.

And carry a power tool in my pocket. Just for comfort, of course.

Comments

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

All my underwires are breaking because the mail-order place I always bought them from decided to change the model and put in a bunch of nipple-armour. Basically, whichever part sticks me in the boob, I haul it out from under my shirt, study the fracture surface with my glasses on, and pitch it in the garbage. I don't think I've ever been caught by a co-worker during this stage but I'm not sure. Then when the other part starts stabbing me, I do the same. I have many bras with one saggy side and one perky side. I cannot say I recommend this to the fashion conscious.

[eveofdstruction.livejournal.com]

Have you tried Googling the brand and model of the defunct bras? That way you might be able to replace them with exact duplicates without having to set foot in a lingerie department. Beyond that I would suggest morale support, which I would be happy to offer if I weren't so inconveniently located.

[victorianrose23.livejournal.com]

This was going to be my suggestion.

I feel your pain. I avoid clothes shopping when at all possible. I HATE trying them on, looking at myself in the mirrors designed to look bigger than you are, etc. But the WORST is bra shopping. Nothing fills me with dread or makes me break out in hives so bad as bra shopping. I'm allergic to it, I think.

[eveofdstruction.livejournal.com]

Oh, and John Cleese? He would try on the bra over his clothing, purchase it and leave the store that way, doing a funny walk.

[lilactime.livejournal.com]

Ahhhahahaha!!

I'm almost the opposite. I approach the lingerie department with a kind of fascinated horror. Gel bras, water bras, things padded out to here - I cannot resist squeezing and poking the things. Women wear these!!! Such feats of engineering! If I were a man, I'd feel so ripped off once I got a girl in a water bra home and undressed.

And the underwires... oh sweet mother of jeebus the underwires.

Underwires got better when I gained weight, actually, because they do come in a plus size. Just not a plain old extra large, so my bras were always bigger than the underwire and the thing always slid back and forth in its little channel. I wore sports bras for year so as to avoid that fucking wire.

I'm now completely devoted to a store brand from Zellers that has that little shelf thing - no pokey wires ever. Holds up the plus size bazoombas pretty well too.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

What's the brand name? There's a Zellers right by my work, I might try it out.

[montieth.livejournal.com]

If the girls are in the way, you could get them removed, Donate them to science or something.

Though you are in Canada, so you might have to wait a few years....

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I have to say, chopping off the tits because I can't find a bra to fit them does strike me as a uniquely American-style solution.

[megiddo-lj.livejournal.com]

I just went shopping for some undies over lunch. It was my 4th attempt this week to find boy short undies that weren't polyester, lace, pink, flower print, etc. I totally relate to your hatred of clothing shopping.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

Marks Work Wearhouse. Boyshorts up to 2XL, no tags, no lace, useful colours like navy.

[mscissorhands.livejournal.com]

instead of a department store have you tried a store like secrets from your sister or small indie type stores?

[spikella.livejournal.com]

secrets from your sister CAN KISS MY ASS!
those bitches don't know SHIT about a good bra.

*ahem*

sorry... my 2¢ turned into a loonie

[ash-pixie.livejournal.com]

Do you usually buy from "Secrets from your Sister" or "Super Sellers"? Super Sellers I have no idea what the fuck happened and almost died when I discovered they were not there when I walked by not long ago. Secrets just moved down Bloor. It's now a little west of Bathurst. I love that store, they can fit my freakish size 30 D)and my sister's freakish size (40G) just wish I could afford it!

[sweetfuckall.livejournal.com]

Super Sellers is the store that closed?

*bursts into hysterical fit of tears*

[sweetfuckall.livejournal.com]

I'd give anything to feel my broken piece of underwire stabbing me in the neck. Right now, it's slicing into the underside of my right boob. It's just poking out enough to hurt me, and I can't seem to pull it out or push it back in.

Flipping it inside-out when I put it on has been working pretty well, but I forgot to do that today for some reason.

This is my roundabout way of saying that I feel your pain. I buy clothes (esp. bras) so infrequently that I'm sure I still have a couple of tensor bandage-style numbers from high school in my drawer.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

Inside out, shit, I never thought of that. Thanks, that will buy me some time.

[inulro.livejournal.com]

Believe it or not, I really get where you're coming from.

One of the few ways in which I am a girl is that I love clothes shopping. But when it comes to bras - yikes! I don't care. I don't want to know. And the choice is bewildering at best.

[faerierhona.livejournal.com]

Thank you - this made me laugh so hard, though that may be cruel. I buy most of my bras online (just because my tits seem to be an unreasonable size for anything remotely pretty) but I am afraid I adore shopping

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

I love shopping for clothes and will happily spend hours at it. Bra shopping, however, is just a pain. The best experience I ever had was at the Bra Bar in Yorkville. Within 15 minutes the saleswoman had fitted me with the most comfortable strapless bra ever. It was also the most expensive bra I have ever bought, but seeing as I was buying it for a formal work function, I considered it money well spent.

[girfan.livejournal.com]

Is there anyone who would go with you? I would if I was on the same continent.

I buy my underwear from the US, and buy loads when there. I have yet to find any UK brands I like.

[marchenland.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I as thinking the same: someone needs to go with her!

[hellsop.livejournal.com]

Multitools are much more handy for carrying, and they're almost as easy to buy.

[panic-girl.livejournal.com]

Suggestion to everyone with underwire eruptions:
Glue gun.
Just a dab.
Works wonders.

[sweetfuckall.livejournal.com]

You are beautiful, man.

[mathochist.livejournal.com]

Thanks for confirming why I've always hated underwires. Won't wear them, myself.

I think the bras I have are mostly the "18 hour" somethingorother. Pretty decent. No underwires. But they're mostly pretty worn out. And grey. Why do they start out white and go so grey over time? Yuck.

I hate clothes shopping, too. Especially the trying-on part.

[peculiaire.livejournal.com]

Good luck! I like nice underwear in theory, but the practice... one time kreie watched me get hypnotized by a saleswoman into buying a $96 Italian bra that on later wearings became horribly uncomfortable. Now I just get them at Target. Stupid bras.

[marchenland.livejournal.com]

I'd suggest you get a friend to help you measure yourself properly (http://www.herroom.com/bra-fitting-advice,901,30.html), then buy online! You can actually find a full range of sizes online (36DD, what I wear, is not easy to find in stores, although it's not the hardest to find by any means).

Hanes online (http://www.onehanesplace.com, I think) is a good site. I've been very happy with the bras I bought from them.

[miss_squiddy]

Just what I was going to suggest! Catalogue shopping is good too - they often send you an envelope to return anything you don't like.

[lil-m-moses.livejournal.com]

I'll chime in on the moral support option. I was terrified to go in and actually talk to a sales associate about bras, but with icis_machine by my side it wasn't so bad. And the associates in the nice department store were actually quite helpful - I was able to tell them what I do and don't like in a bra (underwire yes, padding no, granny-coverage no, lace good), and they knew what to grab and have me try on, and they helped me figure out what size I should _actually_ be wearing (hint - if your underwires are poking you (while not poking out), you're probably in the wrong size). After that one experience I now feel empowered to bra shop on my own again, and I can zero in quickly on the things I want and that work.

I'm presently pretty happy with Wacoal brand bras, though they are a bit pricy.

[ngtmagicks.livejournal.com]

/hugs/

You silly, silly person.

Offers a rather high powered 21 Volt screw driver...pocket sized

[blu-muse.livejournal.com]

> And carry a power tool in my pocket. Just for comfort, of course.

oh I love you.
I feel EXACTLY the same way. I almost sucker punch the sales people for just looking in my general direction...

[artistatlarge.livejournal.com]

I'll happily be your wing woman/stealth stylist on a shopping trip. I'm *much* better at shopping for clients than I am for myself. And for you, it comes at the super-cheap rate of a beer. (After, not before...)

[eciklb.livejournal.com]

I go bra shopping once a decade, tops. Find one bra I like, then order a bunch more online.

Unfortunately, I still get stuck going to the store every decade or so when they discontinue the style. And yeah - I hate trying to find anything in the lingerie department; they seem to design them so you can't find anything except super-padded bras in bizarre sizes with pink lace. And they never have more than one or two in any given size or any given style.

[empressjad.livejournal.com]

Ogh...I feel your pain. I HATE bra shopping. It's gotten way worse since a friend suggested I was "doing it all wrong". Like you, I would dash into the store and buy several more of the one(s) I liked best. Seemed to work.
Then I'm regaled with tales of how your body changes pretty much every six months, and your bra fit might (probably) does the same. Even though I've lost a mere 6 pounds in the last year, I decided (for the sake of peace and tranquility with my friend) that I would try it her way. I went to *insert name of major department store with a HUGE lingerie department* and had a "fitting" with the resident expert. HOLY COW! What a difference. The expert reiterated everything my friend had said, and I gotta tell you, I think they're right. She had me try on a few bras I never would have selected, and it was a world of difference in both comfort and looks.
It was relatively hateful, but, in hindsight, I'm really happy I did it. I'm not being poked by anything, no shoulder strain (I'm a 36 DD...and no, no implanted bits), and the girls look all happy and perky.

[tatyana-z.livejournal.com]

*snicker*
*snicker*
*giggle*
*giggle*

Of course, I love shopping... and love buying pretty bras and undies... especially now in my smaller form... but I can relate in that this is how I feel about shopping for power tools!

You need a girly friend to come with you and give you the moral support to weed through the sea of unmentionables... and when you find a bra that works, if your weight doesn't fluctuate too much, stock up on it so you don't have to go shopping for bras for a long long time.

Oh and don't trust the sales people - most of them know nothing useful and work on commission!!!

Or you could always buy them online...