the stalker and the stalked

[the_siobhan]

So yeah. That stalker thing;

Don't Feed The Stalker.

Item the One. I do think it's a good explanation of how a stalker's mind works and in that regard it's useful. Yes, it was written about the experiences of somebody who was exceptionally lucky in that her husband's work took the threats seriously and were willing to take steps to keep her family safe. That part of the story is definitely unusual and the huge majority of people who will have to deal with stalkers will never be that lucky.

But even for those who are not in the position to leave town and stay in a hotel, who don't have the resources to move from their home or quit their job. Just knowing the "rat pressing the bar" metaphor is information, and all information is useful when you are trying to figure out what the fuck to do in a dangerous situation.

Item the Two. My purpose in posting it before commenting was because I wanted to see if anybody on my f-list pegged it as victim-blaming before I expressed any opinions on it. Not because I think it is, but because the people I saw linking to it and praising it were some of the exact same people who were praising a trope that was going around a few years ago that said, "Any time you give a woman advice on how to avoid rape you are blaming the victim".

I could not fathom how this blog post is any different than the stuff they were decrying as victim-blaming. I still don't get why they think there is a difference, but at least I know I'm not the only person who thinks their isn't one.

Item Three I'm still mulling over, so I'll post it later. Maybe.

Comments

[kest]

The difference to me is, in the stalker situation, the advice is about a crime that has already been (or is in the process of being) committed. Generally when women are given advice on how to avoid rape, it is about preventing some potential crime or, worse, about what they *should have done* to prevent the crime that already happened. In the stalker situation, no one is saying 'you should never pick up the phone when your ex calls, because they might be stalking you and you shouldn't give them any contact'. That would be *ridiculous*. Nor are they saying, to someone who has gotten out of a situation where they were stalked, 'well, really, you should have gotten the hell out dodge' - it might be true, but its not very helpful to know *now*, is it? It's also like the difference between having cancer and learning you need chemo, and having someone tell you you should really eat more blueberries because they're high in antioxidants which might prevent the cancer you might someday get in the future. The former is practical and helpful, the latter can be fucking obnoxious.

[kest]

Oh, and also the 'advice' about how to avoid rape is usually complete crap, which is the thing that makes me the most angry about it. Wearing different clothing or walking with a buddy at night would prevent very very few rapes - the primary result of this kind of advice is to limit women's freedoms. Actual useful advice like how to recognize when your date is a creep, I'm fine with.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

The trope in question did not differentiate between useful advice and crap. It said that all advice is victim-blaming.

[strang-er.livejournal.com]

Because who's to blame is more important than prevention, after all.

[hellsop.livejournal.com]

In the stalker situation, no one is saying 'you should never pick up the phone when your ex calls, because they might be stalking you and you shouldn't give them any contact'. That would be *ridiculous*. Nor are they saying, to someone who has gotten out of a situation where they were stalked, 'well, really, you should have gotten the hell out dodge' - it might be true, but its not very helpful to know *now*, is it?

Exactly, and that is very close to the bit I took away from the piece. The beginning part with the coworker was a very CLEAR case where the other person is completely batshit, but a lot of cases that people out there deal with aren't as clearcut as death threats. The article brings out a very abstract kind of .. test, of whether the kind of "If I do X, then I can make Y happen" thinking is reasoned or is a rat tapping out the feeder bar pattern. Once someone's thought about it, and decided it's the second case, one knows that it's time to break the pattern, instead of trying to negotiate out of it, and doesn't need to waste any more time trying to evaluate every instance, case by case, in whether it's reasonable or not.

[inulro.livejournal.com]

I didn't read it as victim-blaming, though I did read it as coming from a position that assumes that most people will have more resources to deal with being stalked than they are likely to have In Real Life.