stupid human tricks; episode eleventy billion in a series

[the_siobhan]

I broke a bottle of hot sauce tonight.

Not only did I break a bottle of hot sauce. I broke a bottle of Evil Motherfucker Brimstone Spunk of the Devil Incarnate Pure Jabanero With a Dash of Nuclear Fucking Waste hot sauce.

Not only did I break a bottle of Evil Motherfucker Brimstone Spunk of the Devil Incarnate Pure Jabanero With a Dash of Nuclear Fucking Waste hot sauce, I broke it above my fucking head.

I was putting something on a high shelf where I couldn't quite see what I was doing, I drop the jar, and suddenly I hear glass break and I'm covered in brown goop all down the front of my arms and shirt.

I knew immediately what it was because all my NOSE AND EYEBROW HAIRS INSTANTLY FELL OUT. I managed to get my shirt off without getting any of it in my eyes or nose, THANK SWEET BABY JESUS but not without getting it ALL THE FUCK OVER MY HANDS. And it WILL NOT WASH OFF. Every single time I forget and start to chew on my nails it's like a FUCKING ROOT CANAL all over again.

I'm just praying I don't forget and do something really stupid like rub my eyes. Or have to pee.

Need I also mention that I keep some of my very favourite very sensitive mucous membranes in the front of my shirt? BECAUSE I AM VERY AWARE OF THIS FACT RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

I am going to go take an ice bath. And contemplate having myself sealed in carbon as the only possible way to stop doing stupid stupid stupid shit to myself.

Comments

[greylock.livejournal.com]

I'm just praying I don't forget and do something really stupid like rub my eyes. Or have to pee.

Distract yourself by re-arranging your shelves.

But seriously, isn't there some ordinary household substance that dulls the pain? Vinegar or something?

Need I also mention that I keep some of my very favourite very sensitive mucous membranes in the front of my shirt? BECAUSE I AM VERY AWARE OF THIS FACT RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

That's a curious place for mucous membranes to be kept.

I am going to go take an ice bath. And contemplate having myself sealed in carbon as the only possible way to stop doing stupid stupid stupid shit to myself.

Lobot called. That order of carbonite is ready, and Jabba The Hutt has bid four quatloos.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Well maybe they aren't mucous membranes. But they are bloody temperature sensitive.

(It actually feels a lot like a sunburn.)

[greylock.livejournal.com]

Good lord.

A soak in a tub of ice suddenly sounds like an excellent idea.

(My comprehension of how hot the sauce is just improved vastly.)

[ihvpave.livejournal.com]

I once broke a thing of pepper spray in my purse unwittingly.

I found out when I grabbed a vag plug, unwrapped it, and installed.

OH THE BLINDING AGONY.

So, um. Don't do that. I have residual painful memories every time my uterus starts its thing.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Good Gods, woman.

I can't even imagine.

[ihvpave.livejournal.com]

Yes, pretty much.

Y'know what makes it even more of an awesome story?

I was on a roadtrip, and we were in the middle of nowhere at a rest stop. BRILLIANT.

[excess-and-oohs.livejournal.com]

maybe yogurt bath. like in indian restaurants :)

[hellsop.livejournal.com]

Beat pudding wrestling...

[excess-and-oohs.livejournal.com]

i had sex in a vat of pizza dough. ok, "vat" isn't the right word. large iron tub. we made it ourselves, it was not at a restaurant.
ha.

next time, i'll wrap them up and cook them into calzone. sio can just roll around for flavour (and the purpose of this was to get the oils off, so that would probably work). i promise i'll let you out...

[fragilemuse.livejournal.com]

i wonder if rubbing yogourt or milk on yourself would help to neutralize the burning. sounds horrible =/

[ash-pixie.livejournal.com]

I vote for this as well.

[kest]

yeah, this. maybe also oatmeal bath? it works on itching....

[a-carnal-mink.livejournal.com]

*shudder*

Um. Yoghurt, as suggested, or chamomile, perhaps? Muchos vitamin E cream, at the least.

For your hands, you might need that heavy duty tough-as-fuck soap that mechanics use, or tar soap at the minimum. And for the smell, a brillo pad or at least some form of metal based scrubbing tool. None of which sounds exactly pleasant, I know. *sympathy*

[redbird]

It may be too late to get to a drugstore, even if this is available in Canada, but I would at least be thinking about my aloe-and-lidocaine burn relief spray.

Given that you will need your hands sooner or later, latex gloves might help protect other mucous membranes that you have to touch.

[ouranophobe.livejournal.com]

Sweet zombie Jesus onna stick, lady! O.O

I've read that a weak bleach solution (1 part bleach to 5 parts water) will remove the capsicum from your skin. Follow with standard soap and water.

[erik]

use butter. the hotness is an oily stuff. Butter will float it away better than water.
Then you can use soap to wash off the butter.

[ihcoyc.livejournal.com]

This. Or just rub yourself down with salad oil, probably cheaper. This is why milk works when water doesn't after you've eaten something too hot: it's fat soluble but not water soluble, and in fact water tends to make it sting the worse.

The end of this week was a local harvest festival in my hometown. I came home with a quart box of mostly Scotch Bonnets and tree chilis from the farmer's market. Made jerk chicken with one of the Scotch Bonnets, and set the rest of them in vinegar. You can tell for a day afterward that you have been handling that stuff, no matter what precaution you take.

[erik]

I would have said "any oil" too, until recently. I recently learned that there are enzymes in milk that specifically help break down capsaiscin.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

Pro Tip: Avoid sex until you've managed to get it well and truly over with for some time.

Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Um. Your advice came too late.

I spent a lot of time in the shower with a big ol' tub of cold cream beforehand. He said his lips were tingly but otherwise no negative repercussions.

(Or is that TMI? I can never tell.)

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

In our crowd, I think that passes for small talk.

[elixxir.livejournal.com]

WIN!

[unagothae.livejournal.com]

My breasts are having sympathy pains for you!

[girfan.livejournal.com]

Ow! You poor thing-I hope the suggestions above helped you rid yourself of the stuff.

[shnells.livejournal.com]

i was giong to suggest ghee/butter for the initial burn and then aloe or rosewater afterwards.

make sure you don't hang out in the sun afterwards. that would be bad.

[neoliminal.livejournal.com]

The only solution is desensitization. Pour that stuff all over yourself.

[nimrodiel.livejournal.com]

If it makes you feel better I once managed to squirt a bottle of rose bath oil up my nose as I was inhaling. (I wasn't aware it was open as I picked it up from the shelf)

A bottle of rose bath oil that I was unaware I was allergic to at the time (rose oil gives me hives).

I spent the next two weeks smelling roses in everything, and battling hives on both the inside and outside of my nose for several days.

I've had the unfortunate experiences of pepper oil on mucus membranes before. It isn't fun.