stupid human tricks; episode eleventy billion in a series

[the_siobhan]

I broke a bottle of hot sauce tonight.

Not only did I break a bottle of hot sauce. I broke a bottle of Evil Motherfucker Brimstone Spunk of the Devil Incarnate Pure Jabanero With a Dash of Nuclear Fucking Waste hot sauce.

Not only did I break a bottle of Evil Motherfucker Brimstone Spunk of the Devil Incarnate Pure Jabanero With a Dash of Nuclear Fucking Waste hot sauce, I broke it above my fucking head.

I was putting something on a high shelf where I couldn't quite see what I was doing, I drop the jar, and suddenly I hear glass break and I'm covered in brown goop all down the front of my arms and shirt.

I knew immediately what it was because all my NOSE AND EYEBROW HAIRS INSTANTLY FELL OUT. I managed to get my shirt off without getting any of it in my eyes or nose, THANK SWEET BABY JESUS but not without getting it ALL THE FUCK OVER MY HANDS. And it WILL NOT WASH OFF. Every single time I forget and start to chew on my nails it's like a FUCKING ROOT CANAL all over again.

I'm just praying I don't forget and do something really stupid like rub my eyes. Or have to pee.

Need I also mention that I keep some of my very favourite very sensitive mucous membranes in the front of my shirt? BECAUSE I AM VERY AWARE OF THIS FACT RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

I am going to go take an ice bath. And contemplate having myself sealed in carbon as the only possible way to stop doing stupid stupid stupid shit to myself.

Comments

[ihvpave.livejournal.com]

Yes, pretty much.

Y'know what makes it even more of an awesome story?

I was on a roadtrip, and we were in the middle of nowhere at a rest stop. BRILLIANT.