live through this

[the_siobhan]

I have never been one of the Pretty girls.

Before anybody starts thinking this is a sudden onset of self-esteem issues, let me be perfectly clear that this statement has absolutely nothing to do with my appearance. The face in the mirror has it's good days and it's bad days, but mostly I'm pretty cool with it in a "It-may-not-be-perfect-but-it's-mine" kind of way. It appears that some pretty hot people also seem like my face just fine and I'm certainly not about to argue with that.

This statement is about identity.

When you're growing up people give you labels. Adults do it. Other kids certainly do it. And when I was growing up the label I got from everybody around me was The Smart One. The bookworm. The one who was destined to go to University.

My younger sister - now she was The Pretty One[1]. And man, was I envious. But the older I get, the more I think I really dodged a bullet by not getting that label slapped on me when I was young and likely to really internalize the things that other people thought of me. And let me be perfectly clear about this, I strongly internalized the way I was perceived. I don't know if it would be possible not to internalize the terms that people use to describe you, the qualities they praise you for, the thing that dictates the very way they relate to you.

The reason that I've learned to count myself lucky is quite simply because as I get older the things that people use to define me as "smart" don't really change all that much. I had to gave up precocious in return for a little wisdom-from-experience, but that's about it. Assuming I escape dementia or a debilitating head injury, I will probably get to continue thinking of myself as smart right until the end of my life. If my designated label was "creative" or "funny" or "green" I could probably say much the same thing.

But "pretty" is one of those labels that means some very specific things in our culture. And one of those very specific things is being young. And for the lucky ones, being young is something you eventually stop being.

That's the nasty fucking trick that gets played on the Pretty girls. It gets planted into their psyches that they are The Pretty One before they are even old enough to know what that means. It gets reinforced by the way they are treated by others the first 30-odd years of their lives - and people do treat others differently based on their perceived attractiveness judging them as more competent, more intelligent, nicer. It's held up in magazines and movies as both the ultimate goal and the natural state of all women. People treat them better or worse based on their appearance.

And then our culture starts to slowly peel away the very identity that's been pushed onto these women for the majority of their lives. No matter how accomplished intelligent, or surrounded by love a person is, no matter how many additional layers of "self" she has built for herself over the years - losing that first one? That's going to sting.

And I was lucky enough to escape all that.

I don't have to lie about my age. I can watch the gradual flowering of laugh lines across my face with fascination (and admittedly little trepidation). I can eschew expensive spas, painful injections, dubious skin treatments and creams that come in teeny tiny little bottles. I can eat what makes me happy and move my body solely to make myself feel good. I don't wax anything.

But man, suggest that you think I'm dumb? I'll probably eat your face.



[1]Years ago my sister said to me, "You know, when we were kids we were The Smart One, The Pretty One and The Nice One. Now we're The Weird One, The Fat One and The Bitch." I howled.

Comments

[eveofdstruction.livejournal.com]

I was the smart girl too. The fat, smart girl with glasses, braces and headgear. It took me a very long time to figure out that I was pretty at all, but these days I am having TONS of fun putting on the pretty girl identity. I have no idea if anyone other than me buys into my presentation, but that doesn't really matter, because as long as I decide when to put it on or not, it feels really good to be the sparkly, frippery bedecked girly girl.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I got to be a Hot Chick for a few years there in my late 20's/early 30's - and man, did I run with it. I still think fondly of all the things I managed to get away with during that time period.

We pick up and discard multiple identities through our lives, but I don't think it hurts to lose the later ones the way it does when the core one gets taken away from you.

[missjanette.livejournal.com]

man, I wish I would have appreciated my Hot Chick years a lot more than I did.

I had no idea I was that smoking fucking hot at the time.

(which is not to say I am unhappy w my current appearance, I just wish I would have enjoyed my Smoking Hotness more.)

[eveofdstruction.livejournal.com]

I don't think it hurts to lose the later ones the way it does when the core one gets taken away from you.

I totally agree. I wasn't just the smart girl, I was the academic prodigy. So when I went from the amazing child who was reading at a college level by age 3 to flunking out of college and not getting a degree until 29, it was crushing. I freaked out at turning 25 the way people freak out at turning 50, because I saw it as the absolute end of any chance that I could redeem myself as a wunderkind. Playing with identity as something I get to define started AFTER all the therapy. Yay, therapy!!

[inulro.livejournal.com]

You are so right. I can't get over not being the skinny chick any more, even though I got beat up more for being too skinny at school than the fat kids did (

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Me too. And I feel really fucking shallow saying that.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Having your body do a sudden 180 on you is un-nerving at best. When there's a massive cultural investment in telling you what is the right body type to have at the same time, it can be downright traumatic.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

Thanks for saying that. I've had a complicated relationship with my body over the past 10 years. I was skinny as a boy in my 20's - metabolism like whoa and no real T&A to speak of. I felt distinctly unsexy, like I wasn't a real woman.

Then I hit 30 and started gaining weight. I liked it at first. I was a bit curvier. Then I stopped liking it. I went from thinking I was too boyish to be sexy to suddenly having hips and tits that I didn't know what to do with. Then I thought that I was too pudgy to be sexy.

I'm slowly making peace with myself now. I know I'll never weigh 110 lbs again, and that maybe this hourglass figure is the adult body I'm meant to have. I'm trying to focus on getting regular cardio and gaining muscle tone as opposed to losing weight. It sure is a long strange journey.

Superb

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

I think I have told you just how much I love you right? :o)

I would say you were definitely the smart one- but also the beautiful one.
And don't worry- you don't need to suddenly rush out and buy a face cream for that. X

[nicklausse.livejournal.com]

So true! Hello not realizing 'til age 36 that this affected just about everything for thirty years. Of course I was going to get a doctorate. The thought never occurred to me that anything else was an option. Ah well, thirty years left (knock on Ikea) to not spend in academia.

Do only children get to be the weird one, the fat one, and the bitch?

[missjanette.livejournal.com]

Do only children get to be the weird one, the fat one, and the bitch?

*raises hand & waves it wildly *

[disastrid.livejournal.com]

<3<3<3

[nicklausse.livejournal.com]

*high fiver*

[missjanette.livejournal.com]

Srsly, could Mothra & the Big Kahuna have turned out a kid that was any different?

Fat, bitchy, smart & above all else - weird.
I'm kind of glad I was those things - toughened me up a bit.

You know, I'm not even sure it's Pretty that has that headtrip. I think it's Perfect Princess that does. Perfect Princess may or may not be pretty, but she's definitely v invested in her role as people-pleaser & societal expectation meeter.

I'm a Princess, but not a perfect one. I'll show up at the ball w brass knuckles in my purse, a muddy hem from playing in the dirt in the yard & combat boots hidden under that muddy hem so I can get up & walk when I need to.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

That's more an identity that one chooses for oneself though - I tend to think those ones have a different kind of impact.

[dali-muse.livejournal.com]

No, when I go to Texas to visit my family I am still the weird one. I'm 42 and I get to chuckle at my Dad who constantly told me during my teen years that I'd "get over it". I'm sure that we've all heard something similar when growing up.

[the_axel]

The joys of the ambiguous nature of written language.

nicklausse meant 'only children' as in no siblings rather than 'once you grow up that goes away'.

[dali-muse.livejournal.com]

Ah-ha! The wording of that sentance makes more sense now.

[unagothae.livejournal.com]

I am the weird one, the fat one, AND the bitch, but people don't generally know how bitchy I am. In fact, there is only ONE person who knows exactly how bitchy I really am....and it shocked the hell out of me when I figured it out earlier this afternoon.

[jeliza]

This is one of those things that gives me nightmares as a parent. I suspect that we lucked out in that the conventionally pretty daughter is too interested in being a warrior and jumping off things to bother with girly stuff, so she might dodge that bullet. But man, do we worry. And try to provide lots of options.

I was the weird one from pretty much the word go. It was not comfortable, but it also was not constraining.

[eciklb.livejournal.com]

Huh. I was definitely the smart gawky awkward one (arguably still am), and I'm completely not fussed if somebody calls me dumb. It's not threatening because I don't fear that it might be true.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

That was a toss-off closing line so I didn't really explore it. But imagine that all of a sudden nobody takes your brains seriously, you get passed over for anything mentally challenging and the assumption is that you are stupid now - coming from every single person and institution you ever interact with.

I'd be murderous.

[inulro.livejournal.com]

It happens to me a lot. (OK, thanks to my neuro issues I am stupider than I used to be, but I'm still not stupid).

I'm usually too tired to be murderous, but I'm bitter as hell.

[ashbet]

That's what happened to me when I hit high school -- I'd been The Smart One all through grade/middle school (was also geeky and gawky), and all of a sudden just because my body type changed and I grew into my features (and finally figured out how to deal with my hair), I was The Bimbo to a lot of people who looked at/interacted with me. It really fucked with my self-perception -- I hadn't gotten any dumber, but suddenly I was conventionally "sexy" (I had a Jessica Rabbit bod in those days) and it completely changed how people interacted with me.

I did NOT like it :/

(I'm frustrated now because my health issues really HAVE taken away some of my smarts -- not so's you'd notice in conversation, but my ability to deal with puzzles or concentrate for long periods of time is reduced. Blargh.)

But, yeah -- growing up as "The Pretty One" can really distort your self-image, and I'm glad that I had the grounding in being The Geeky One for so many years, so that the abrupt changeabout in perception was just an annoyance rather than something that permanently fucked with my self-concept (although, admittedly, it did suck at the time -- I didn't mind the positive attention, but I hated the assumption that I couldn't be "hot" AND smart at the same time.)

-- A <3

[ihvpave.livejournal.com]

I actually DO get that a fair amount, and yes, it does make me murderous.

When I was in middle school (sixth or seventh grade,I believe), my mom got me a pinback for my jacket - it said "All this and brains too." In all honesty, I was far too young for it, and I certainly didn't feel it applied at the time, but I think about it now when I get dismissed because now I'm thought to be "too hot to be that smart."

I didn't grow up being considered hot or pretty by anyone that wasn't my mom, but I was always considered to be fairly intelligent. It actually kinda pisses me off that I seem to be perceived to have traded one for the other.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

My "hot" period hit when I was old enough to know it was only going to be temporary. So I was able to have some fun with it and not take it too seriously.

(My hot period makes me sound like a painter. "Here's an example of a work from her blue period, and other from her hot period...)

[ihvpave.livejournal.com]

Well, I think my lack of belief in the assertion that I have achieved this mythical "hot" status probably lends weight to my irritation.

'Cos: I look the frelling same as I always have. It's not like my face underwent some crazy transformation.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

"Hot", at least for me, has to do with so much more than just looks. It has to do with how you think, express yourself, live your life and treat people. For me, looks is such a small part of hotness, but I may be weird that way.

I think you're hot because you and I seem to think the same way about a lot of things. Because when we met in person the first, and so far only, time, it was like we'd known each other for years. Because you love music as much as I do. For a whole lot of reasons. ;)

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

yeah, I can see how if it's not how you want people to relate to you it could be more than a little irritating. Especially if people start acting like your brains fell out your vagina at the same time.

[ihvpave.livejournal.com]

A lot of people I encounter now have no frame of historical reference for me, and I work in a business that spends an awful lot of time assigning worth to women based on their visual appearance. It's a weird world on its own, and there have been a lot of women who were on the B2B side who have used their bodies instead of their minds to get ahead -- which makes it even more difficult.

I was always the dorky one, and it's a weird adjustment when you see yourself one way and are being clearly and visibly relegated to another dataset in the minds of people you meet. I've had more than one person say at the end of meeting "Wow, you know your stuff; I wasn't going to take the meeting because I figured you're too pretty to know anything."

And, really, what the fuck is that about, on a wider cultural scale?

[eciklb.livejournal.com]

Yes, if it happened on a daily basis, I'd find it really, really irritating. I tend to avoid people who do assume that I'm not that bright, but usually it's because they're making that assumption purely on the basis of my gender, since I can't think of any other reason they might think that (I'm not really modest about my brains).

What I don't know is what would happen if I suddenly found myself surrounded by people who were actually vastly smarter than I am.

[silentq.livejournal.com]

surrounded by people who were actually vastly smarter than I am.
That happened to me when I went to university. I'd breezed through school up until then and finding myself suddenly struggling shook me up a bit. Then I realised I was making it hard on myself (way too many classes per term), regrouped, and took the extra year to finish in order to avoid breaking myself.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

I was also the Smart One, the bookish introvert. My sister was The Cute One. She was a very charming little girl, and she was also tiny for her age. For years, she was the smallest, cutest kid in her class, and she got away with murder because of it. She was also fussed and fawned over a lot, and I resented the hell out of her.

Then, as we grew up, I stayed smart, but she stopped being small and cute. Her whole way of relating to the world was no longer valid and I'm not sure she's ever really gotten over that.

[inulro.livejournal.com]

I didn't even get to be The Smart One, because my brother was smarter than me, so he got to be the smart one, the well-behaved one and the less-bad-looking-one (with our genes, nobody's The Pretty One).

On the other hand, even though he got all the positive input when we were children, as adults I'm the functional one. I have long and involved theories as to why this is.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i was never really cute in the pinch my cheeks and go awwww sort of way, but i'd learned to act cute. and one day, in my very early teens, when i was pulling some of that, my mom explained to me that cute doesn't last for very long. snapped me right out of it.

[kambriel.livejournal.com]

I totally get this. It's funny because poor C will call me pretty sometimes and I'll just grump at him, because I don't see that as a personal strong suit of mine by any means ~ I've always thought of myself as being more "of the mind" and place a higher value on kindness, intelligence, care, and insight. The "pretty" thing can feel superficial, and although I may be odd in that I'd actually protest such a thing, we're all "more than meets the eye" and would ideally like to be seen as such.

[dali-muse.livejournal.com]

Our family had the smart weird one (me), the delinquent (my brother the middle child), and the talented cute one (my younger sister). I actually look younger than my siblings, funny enough. I credit the whole avoiding the sun thing, combined with never smoking and being child-free.

My brother went into the navy after high school and is now a successful car salesperson. He barely graduated high school because he goofed off most of the time.

Now, my baby sis should have been on Broadway. She took years of dance lessons: ballet, tap, modern dance, you name it. She was even chosen to attend summer classes with a ballet group in London. The girl can sing, too. Not only did she have the lead roles in our school plays, she was chosen to sing the national anthem at her high school graduation. She used to win pageants for crying out loud! But she has no ambition. Combine that with a partying streak and she got pregnant at 22. Well, she's cleaned herself up since then and her boys are well behaved and she met a nice guy who adopted her first son. She's still pretty cute but has a ton of crow's feet.

My mother has recently accused me of slacking off and not using my brain. She's not entirely wrong. I am still the weird one in the family, though.

[girfan.livejournal.com]

I was always the smart and creative one, and, as I got older, the weird one. I was never the pretty one. Though, as you said, being the pretty one can be a curse as one gets older.

I have gone through bouts of lack of self-esteem due to never being called attractive/pretty/sexy/beautiful, but I have a loving husband, good friends and (mostly) supportive family, so I think I win.

[sarah-mum.livejournal.com]

Thank you for confirming why I believe you rock.
Smart, funny, feisty, independent, even wierd are all labels I'd grab long before 'pretty' or anything like it.

[disastrid.livejournal.com]

I know that you know how much I love and respect you, but when I read things like this I want to yell it in the streets.

Please publish a goddamn book already. The world needs essays like this.

Brain in neutral so I'm going to express this badly.

[inulro.livejournal.com]

I have grown to think that I actually dodged a bullet by being the ugly one all through school.

Pretty girls who have boyfriends and people fawning all over them seem to have spent their formative years (so far as I can tell) trying to please other people and fit in; whereas I, and a lot of the people I've come to call friends, spent those years figuring out who *I* am, what I care about, what level of shit I'll take from people, etc.

Re: Brain in neutral so I'm going to express this badly.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

I think you expressed that pretty damn well. Agree completely.

Re: Brain in neutral so I'm going to express this badly.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Urm. I'm always leary of lumping a bunch of people together and saying, "X people do this and Y people do that." Not that what you say isn't true of some people - maybe even a lot of people. But I don't think you can claim it as a universal rule, or even an overwhelming majority rule.

I also really dislike any language that implies that what happens to Pretty Girls is in any way their own fault. I want to be very clear that this is something that is done to them, starting long before we all hit the "figuring ourselves out" stage of life. (Not that you were necessarily intending that meaning; but as soon as we start talking about behaviours it becomes very easy to perceive people as agents of their own misfortunes.)

Re: Brain in neutral so I'm going to express this badly.

[inulro.livejournal.com]

You are quite right - I would go so far as to say that they are probably not given the time and space to think much about themselves, not to mention all the other external reinforcements that go on (which I wouldn't know about, being completely outside my experience).

Re: Brain in neutral so I'm going to express this badly.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

See that I can totally believe. 'Cause it's not like our culture ever stops talking at women about how they should look.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

my sister and i are both smart, fortunately, as are both of our parents. so we never had the "the smart one" problems.

now she's the one who makes sure everyone is okay, and i'm the one who fixes problems. this comes with its own set of fun, but at least it's just familial and not societal.

[scar4711.livejournal.com]

Im still in the phase ive always been in.. awkward fat guy with very little social skills. yay.

Even with people I have met before.. I am a bit standoffish.. like I feel like I am just being tolerated. At C*, I know people.. but I feel like if I go up and talk to them, I am bothering them.

yay me.

[ravensee.livejournal.com]

I've been throwing labels out the window since 1973.

My favorite one though recently is being called "wacky Jackie" by physicists. I'll keep that one.