the light at the end of the tunnel is the last train to Clarkesville

[the_siobhan]

I can tell as soon as I open my eyes in the morning if it's going to be a good day, a bad day or a Really Really Bad Day.

I'm still mostly crazy, but now with the occasional breaks of normality popping up. I can't even tell you how good it feels to get a few hours off from the constant bloody buzzing in my head.

I effin' well bust my ass to get those hours, too. I was musing today about how I feel about the fact that I have to work so hard just to get up to zero. I resent it like hell when it's not working so well but it also means I get to pat myself on the back when it does.

I keep wondering what the hell it is that's really going on in there. Where does all this internal noise come from anyway? The wrong chemicals slooshing around in my bloodstream? The right chemicals but the little cellular doorways are jammed shut? The wiring that's supposed to go to the left ganglion thingmabobbin got accidentally hooked up to the right cerebral whoosiewhatsis? I did too much acid in high school? Took too many punches to the head? I'm possessed by a demon? Coyote stole my reflection? A ghost is wearing my pants?

No clue. And given that having nanobots stuffed into my ear to go exploring is probably technology that still a few decades away, it may be a while before I know anything more than, "Hey this kinda sucks a lot".

So you know. Trial and error it is. Still in some ways I think I'm very lucky. The things that seem to work best for my particular chemisty are unlikely to get me either killed or sent to jail.

So how you doing?

Comments

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

hear you on all of that my lovely Special Brained Sista! XXXXXX

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Brain chemicals suck.

[eveofdstruction.livejournal.com]

Normality breaks are good. <3

Not for everyone, but my current combo of crazy pills is working really well with almost no side effects. My anxiety level has dropped a lot. I still have bad days, but the bottom floor seems to have risen quite a bit.

[nicklausse.livejournal.com]

With most similarly-issued people I've met it seems like its the dark side of being bloody brilliant. When it is good it is very very good. When it is bad it is horrid?

SO glad to hear you're on an upswing.

[inulro.livejournal.com]

Mood is bottoming out. I know this is because I'm fighting a virus, but it's not making me any more pleasant to work with. There is genuine stress in the workplace which I should be handling a lot better than I am. (On the other hand, three years of polite telling hasn't made any changes in the person who makes unreasonable demands; one good losing my temper has - if I'd known that I'd have done it years ago.)

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Hopefully your upcoming vacation will help.

I am a firm believer in shouting as a communication tool. Some people just don't seem to register "important" unless it's delivered at high volume.

[inulro.livejournal.com]

On the one hand, I really wish I'd been more professional about it. On the other hand, my minions (who have always been the main focus of her unreasonable demands) now think I'm god.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

I hear you.

I am having a big bout of "what the fuck is WRONG with me?" tonight, brought on by... stuff.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

You're dealing with a stressful situation better than I would. I'd be a ball on the bed.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

Well, I could never manage a wedding, nor more than one Convergence visit, so let's have mutual admiration time, eh? :)

[firecat]

I'm glad that the work is showing some payoffs every now and then.

[elixxir.livejournal.com]

Where does all this internal noise come from anyway?

I ask myself this all the time. What the shit is the purpose of Bobo The Brain Whisperer, as I've taken to calling him. I hate the fight to feel like I'm normal. I hate that I've lost friends because I'm not. But this is the hand that was dealt, and I still manage Good Days. I think I may appreciate them more for the fight.