the light at the end of the tunnel is the last train to Clarkesville

[the_siobhan]

I can tell as soon as I open my eyes in the morning if it's going to be a good day, a bad day or a Really Really Bad Day.

I'm still mostly crazy, but now with the occasional breaks of normality popping up. I can't even tell you how good it feels to get a few hours off from the constant bloody buzzing in my head.

I effin' well bust my ass to get those hours, too. I was musing today about how I feel about the fact that I have to work so hard just to get up to zero. I resent it like hell when it's not working so well but it also means I get to pat myself on the back when it does.

I keep wondering what the hell it is that's really going on in there. Where does all this internal noise come from anyway? The wrong chemicals slooshing around in my bloodstream? The right chemicals but the little cellular doorways are jammed shut? The wiring that's supposed to go to the left ganglion thingmabobbin got accidentally hooked up to the right cerebral whoosiewhatsis? I did too much acid in high school? Took too many punches to the head? I'm possessed by a demon? Coyote stole my reflection? A ghost is wearing my pants?

No clue. And given that having nanobots stuffed into my ear to go exploring is probably technology that still a few decades away, it may be a while before I know anything more than, "Hey this kinda sucks a lot".

So you know. Trial and error it is. Still in some ways I think I'm very lucky. The things that seem to work best for my particular chemisty are unlikely to get me either killed or sent to jail.

So how you doing?