Well. That was sudden.

[the_siobhan]

So another chapter closes. Suddenly and irrevocably.

(What an... interesting life this has been.)

And as always happens with endings, I am left with a muddle of feelings that I'm left trying to sort out.

Srongest of all, the sense of the shoe finally dropping. In reality it wasn't that sudden, in spite of the abruptness of the final blow. It's not like I can't see when it's the same pattern that unfolds itself over and over and over again.

There is, oddly enough, a sense of relief. There something about shoveling into a black hole that becomes addictive after a while, even after you know the hole is never going to be filled and is never going to give you anything back. I have an investment in that hole, dammit!

An obligation and a habit has now been taken away from me and I can let go of an illusion that my actions ever made any sodding bit of difference whatsoever.

That's freeing, in a way.

There is surprisingly little pain. I thought this was going to hurt more. Oh, there is the nasty sting to the pride that comes with being slapped with a label that says, "You are of no use to me any more." And some last little trails of self-recriminations from the part of my brain that always likes to get out the red-hot poker whenever I make a mistake. But the deep heart-wound isn't there. Not even a little. Which, to be honest, surprises me. Perhaps I was expecting this more than I consciously registered.

Perhaps, finally, the opinon of somebody who always thinks the worst of me no longer matters.

A door closes. A landscape changes.

A period that literally changed my life is now over.

So. A toast to you J, if you are reading this. I wish you well, believe it or not. You were one of the things that "makes us stronger", and for that alone, I have no regrets.

May you get everything in life that you deserve.
May you realize that all that you have lost and all that you have gained has been due to yourself and to no one else.
May others treat you no better then you have treated those who have treated you best.

Comments

[ex-electroly478.livejournal.com]

i always think that one of the most effective curses is 'may you get everything that you deserve.' it's also one of the most effective blessings. double sided in the most delicious and dangerous of ways.

and a toast to you. most of all.

[greylock.livejournal.com]

Sorry Sio.
As the platitude says, somethings these things are for the best. :|

Now I feel guilty for not being on that plane to Toronto (which is where by Underling is right now).
I coulda helped drown yr sorrows.

[allezbleu.livejournal.com]

i have no idea whats going on but i hope to fuck youre OK dammit.

[reddragdiva]

*pint*

[elixxir.livejournal.com]

Oh hell...I'm struck by this overwhelming urge to fling cliches at you. I will, however, control myself and just leave it with *hugs*

Re:

[elixxir.livejournal.com]

Hey anything to help the team! Just lie back and think of England dear...mwah ha ha!

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Heh. I originally read this as "fling myself at you".

Well you know, if you insist

[hellsop.livejournal.com]

*sympathies*

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I'm fine. And all the good thoughts are much appreciated.

Mel, it's a loooooong story. I'll tell you over a pint one day.

Preferably the one David is paying for. *grin*

[reddragdiva]

I think that requires you to come back to ...

WHITBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Preferably in more robust health!

[girfan.livejournal.com]

I agree...come to the November one...you know you want to!

Or better yet...

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

You all could come to Catalyst.

Re: Or better yet...

[carriemonster.livejournal.com]

I want to come to that.

gimme details woman.

hope you're ok.

Re: Or better yet...

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

We've booked the venue, so it's definitely taking place on the Labour Day weekend.

We ought to have the website up in about a week.

[individuation.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
I'm sorry honey.
I don't know how things got sour between you two, but it makes me sad.

I still think that you're wonderful.

I dunno why every one is so glum

[theevilchemist.livejournal.com]

From the sounds of it, it seems a burden has been lifted. In your life, there are people who genuinely care about you, people who look up to you you and people who *you* _inspire_. I'm one of them.

To detatch yourself from someone who you interact with negatively just leads to a brighter, happier future.

This says nothing about the person one way or another. In my life, I find people behave like quantum particles, their interaction/associations are dependent on the essence of who/what they are. Some complement, some supplement, some repel, some anhiliate. It's all comes down to energy and how it flows between one another.

I know there's that lingering feeling of 'failure' in the story that never succeeded to follow the plot to the 'happily ever after', but that was just a chapter, and there's still plenty to be written.

Your 'happily ever after' awaits you.... :)

jv

Re: I dunno why every one is so glum

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

It's a transition. Or more acurately, the outward indicator of a transition that's been happening for a while.

And change is hard. Even the good kinds of change.

In my New Year's Eve post, I wrote "blood and tears were the fertilizer for this green place where I am now, and I do not regret those deaths."

I meant every word of it.

Re: I dunno why every one is so glum

[shadowriderhope.livejournal.com]

Nice way of putting it. I hope the sorting through the muddle of emotions goes well, and that you manage to hold onto the good parts. I'm still grieving over a relationship that died almost 2 years ago, and finally getting to the point where I can look back on the sweet and not be distracted by the bitter. Good luck to you...

And another thing...

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

No fair making me blush.

unrelated

[kest]

You're listening to Jason Webley. heh.

[snickerpuss.livejournal.com]

*headtilt* ...

*finger-poke* ... "It's still alive." (said over her shoulder)

"Good!" (yelled back at her, out of the darkness) "Give it some coffee."

*offering java* ... How's that scar healing up...?

[lee-chaos.livejournal.com]

I think we're made of the same genetic material, give or take a few chromosones.

Don't know enough to read between the lines, but damn woman, you rock harder than most people *dream* of and anyone who doesn't realise that is a bloody fool and not to be suffered gladly.

Apologies for mails being a bit work-ful of late, didn't realise all this was going on til MzBleu pointed it out.

As Caspar put it so well, one of those 'wanting to drop everything and hop on a plane' moments...

Whitby November would be a good one for you, but I am ammssing what can only be described as an unruly horde who want to come to Canada... consider yorself forewarned...

Hugs of all denominations,

LeeH

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I think we're made of the same genetic material, give or take a few chromosones.

Ah yes. That nasty Y-defficiency I suffer from.

Don't know enough to read between the lines, but damn woman, you rock harder than most people *dream* of and anyone who doesn't realise that is a bloody fool and not to be suffered gladly.

Apologies for mails being a bit work-ful of late, didn't realise all this was going on til MzBleu pointed it out.

No fair making me blush.

And no apologies needed for the workfullness -- my work brings me a lot of joy.

Whitby November would be a good one for you, but I am ammssing what can only be described as an unruly horde who want to come to Canada... consider yorself forewarned...

That would be fucking amazingly cool.

the_axel and I are working on getting a house in the next couple of months, so we would have a place to keep you all. (Although we'd be tempted to lock the doors and not let you leave...)