Well. That was sudden.
Mar. 6th, 2003 02:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_siobhanSo another chapter closes. Suddenly and irrevocably.
(What an... interesting life this has been.)
And as always happens with endings, I am left with a muddle of feelings that I'm left trying to sort out.
Srongest of all, the sense of the shoe finally dropping. In reality it wasn't that sudden, in spite of the abruptness of the final blow. It's not like I can't see when it's the same pattern that unfolds itself over and over and over again.
There is, oddly enough, a sense of relief. There something about shoveling into a black hole that becomes addictive after a while, even after you know the hole is never going to be filled and is never going to give you anything back. I have an investment in that hole, dammit!
An obligation and a habit has now been taken away from me and I can let go of an illusion that my actions ever made any sodding bit of difference whatsoever.
That's freeing, in a way.
There is surprisingly little pain. I thought this was going to hurt more. Oh, there is the nasty sting to the pride that comes with being slapped with a label that says, "You are of no use to me any more." And some last little trails of self-recriminations from the part of my brain that always likes to get out the red-hot poker whenever I make a mistake. But the deep heart-wound isn't there. Not even a little. Which, to be honest, surprises me. Perhaps I was expecting this more than I consciously registered.
Perhaps, finally, the opinon of somebody who always thinks the worst of me no longer matters.
A door closes. A landscape changes.
A period that literally changed my life is now over.
So. A toast to you J, if you are reading this. I wish you well, believe it or not. You were one of the things that "makes us stronger", and for that alone, I have no regrets.
May you get everything in life that you deserve.
May you realize that all that you have lost and all that you have gained has been due to yourself and to no one else.
May others treat you no better then you have treated those who have treated you best.
(What an... interesting life this has been.)
And as always happens with endings, I am left with a muddle of feelings that I'm left trying to sort out.
Srongest of all, the sense of the shoe finally dropping. In reality it wasn't that sudden, in spite of the abruptness of the final blow. It's not like I can't see when it's the same pattern that unfolds itself over and over and over again.
There is, oddly enough, a sense of relief. There something about shoveling into a black hole that becomes addictive after a while, even after you know the hole is never going to be filled and is never going to give you anything back. I have an investment in that hole, dammit!
An obligation and a habit has now been taken away from me and I can let go of an illusion that my actions ever made any sodding bit of difference whatsoever.
That's freeing, in a way.
There is surprisingly little pain. I thought this was going to hurt more. Oh, there is the nasty sting to the pride that comes with being slapped with a label that says, "You are of no use to me any more." And some last little trails of self-recriminations from the part of my brain that always likes to get out the red-hot poker whenever I make a mistake. But the deep heart-wound isn't there. Not even a little. Which, to be honest, surprises me. Perhaps I was expecting this more than I consciously registered.
Perhaps, finally, the opinon of somebody who always thinks the worst of me no longer matters.
A door closes. A landscape changes.
A period that literally changed my life is now over.
So. A toast to you J, if you are reading this. I wish you well, believe it or not. You were one of the things that "makes us stronger", and for that alone, I have no regrets.
May you get everything in life that you deserve.
May you realize that all that you have lost and all that you have gained has been due to yourself and to no one else.
May others treat you no better then you have treated those who have treated you best.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-03-06 01:58 am (UTC)