An open letter to my friends

[the_siobhan]

This is the non-trivial post.

It's a bit jumbled. I'm drunk. Apparently that's the only way I can get it out.

So I've made mention of having brain chemistry issues lately. The depression is trying to come back. Or as I prefer to call it, "The Creeping Brain Rot".

I know some of you can relate.

I've dealt with this before, and I know I can get through it. I'm nowhere near as bad this time as I have been in the past. But after the last episode, when I talked about it, some of my friends said they didn't know, or they didn't know how bad it was. Because all I do is talk about it in euphemisms. Make jokes about wanting people to shoot me. Because they only see me when I'm out at the pub and having a good time and not when I'm alone and fighting.

So this is me trying to talk about it. Not for sympathy or help, or anything like that, just so you know why if I feel a bit distant or something.

Urm. Hi.

*cough*

Depression for me is a result of frustration, of feeling trapped. If I stop moving I go stagnant, like water pooling too long.

Depression wants me to curl up in a ball and stay there. Fear of depression, of what I know it can do to me, makes me move. I am desperation made physical. So I'm moving, trying to find ways to get out from under the things that are pressing me down.

Some things are working. Some things in my life are making it better. Some things are making it worse.

I can deal with it, I can deal with feeling like shit. I can function feeling like shit. What makes it harder to pretend to be normal is that when things get bad I start to get really bad agoraphobia. When it kicked in the first time, it actually took me a while to figure out what the hell was going on because I normally have no fear of going pretty much anywhere by myself -- but yet suddenly I have trouble forcing myself to leave the house. Before I figured out what it was, I flunked classes because I couldn't force myself to go to school.

It does make it easier when I know what's going on, but that doesm't make the physical reaction go away. I actually got anxious this weekend to the point of nausea about going to a party ferfucksakes, one where I had a reasonably high expectation of knowing everybody there. I threw up tonight. On my way to a bar. Hardly the most intimidating environment in the world. I mean, What the fuck?

And I can do it, I know from experience I can force myself and I know I'll ulimately be alright, but it's like work, it's getting out the mental picks and wheelbarrows, and quite honestly some days I'm tired of the job. Especially on those days when it was a major accomplishment just to be able to do the fucking dishes without breaking into tears.

Some days I just can't force myself to do it. I don't want to have to carry that extra 50 pounds.

Sorry, blankinfinity. I feel like I've been a crap friend while you have been here.

And the worst part. Without question.

I can't deal with feelings. Other people's. Hell, even my own. I have too many of them and they are too close to the surface and I just can't get them out. My emotiotions feel handicapped, like I have a little tiny pipeline through the shitswamp that connects me to the outside world, and most of the time it can't take all the things I want to stuff in there on my own behalf. When I touch somebody who is going through their own emotional burdens -- whatever they are -- I just get stuck.

And it's not like it's complicated to reach out. All I want to say is, "I'm sorry you are going through this." Or, "I understand." Or "Hang in there." And instead there is this blue crystalline wall between me and the words, and I freeze solid whenever I touch it, and I just can't get at them. So I sit here nad wave my fingers ineffectually over the keyboard, or over the phone pad, or hell, even in person, and -- nothing.

Nothing at all.

It's not because I don't hear you. Or because I don't care. I'm just -- stuck. Frozen. I'm having trouble crossing the gap between the inside of my head and the rest of the world. I feel seperated. Like no matter what I say or type or feel, it is just going to slide off the side.

I am feeling very alone.

I wrote this while drunk, of course. Becaue that way I can get it out. Which carries it's own problems, also of course.

The view from the inside of my head is not very pretty right now.

It will get better. I'll be back, I promise. Soon.

Just not right now.

Comments

[sheepthief.livejournal.com]

I don't have anything constructive to say, I just wanted to say that I'd read this, and yes, I can understand it.

[gashinryu.livejournal.com]

Much as I hate "me too" posts, this is pretty much the same as was going through my head.

We may not be able to offer much in the way of real help, but we can listen.

[sweetpoison666.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. Can't say I can help. Can't say much of anything, but I understand.

[kessa.livejournal.com]

Heh. I didn't realize that the agoraphobia and frustration I get...were also signs of depression. That explains a lot though. I call it 'going hermit' when things just get to be too much to deal with and I stay home and nest and fool myself with thinking that I'm actually okay because I get out through the internet and 'socialize'.

*hugs* I understand. I can relate. I am considering an evening with Jose Cuervo.

Hang in there too?

[redbird]

Take care of yourself.

Seriously--that has to come first. Your friends will understand.

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

Hang in there Petal.
There are lots of people in this world that care about you very much.
I know they will all still be there for you when you are ready to venture back out again.

Lizzie XXX

[missjanette.livejournal.com]

There's a lot of that going around these days.
More on that another time.

um. Everything I want to say to you sounds hollow and cliche.
but yes, you will be okay.
and you are *not* alone.
& if there's anything that cane be done to help, let ppl know.
we'll do what we can.

love to you, my dear.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

First off, I'm can relate to a lot of what's going on in your head. You may feel alone, but you're definitely not alone.

I've been aware for a while that there was something up with you, but I didn't know what exactly, and I didn't want to pry.

I'd like to help, but I don't know what kind of help you need or want. If going outside is hard right now, would some quiet company at home help you? Would chatting online makes you feel less alone?

[redcountess]

Like the others, I can definitely relate, especially about the agoraphobia and the frustration. I was taking so much out on Diva, and I'd go a week without showering, which is disgusting, but there you go. Finally getting the help I needed made such a difference. I hope you make it through soon.

[emulsional.livejournal.com]

The first step, it seems is letting everyone know that you're not in a good place. It makes it easier to help where we can, and take any distance with a grain of salt. It's impossible to be on all the time, and anyone looking to purge their feelings out has to be aware that not everyone can be the best listener if and when they have their own shit going on. It certainly isn't your fault and doesn't make you less of a friend.

Point I'm trying to make is you have always been a great friend and an amazingly gorgous person inside and out. I look up to you like no one else I know and I have the upmost faith that whatever you're going through now can be relieved so long as you're still willing to reach out, have faith and be strong.

And for those times where being strong is the furthest from your mind, trust that you've got buckets full of loving friends who would hold you up through any mental thunderstorm in the world just to see you happy.

Just so you know, I'm willing to give it my all if you ever want to get together and talk it out.

[panic-girl.livejournal.com]

I get SAD pretty badly, and various other brain nasties every once in a while. What we have in common are those classes. I didn't really understand the SAD untill I looked at all the W's on my transcripts (I always withdrew before the final F!). They were all winter semester. Once I knew that, I felt like I had conquered something. I only took easy and/or classes that were more about the book than the prof.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say, in my just woke up spewing, is that recognition always makes it better. And not the single (maybe self) diagnosis of the blanket condition. I think being able to say "I feel it coming, I'm going underground for a bit" can actually take the edge off it. When you don't know it's coming, or what it is, it makes it scarier, deeper.

Hope any of this made sense. Haven't had NEAR enough coffee yet!

[eciklb.livejournal.com]

Please take good care of yourself.

When depressed, I know I tend to take crappy care of myself both physically and emotionally. So...um...if you're not eating or not doing something else you need to do to take care of yourself, please take this as a friendly little request.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

remember to eat, remember to sleep, remember to get out of bed when you need to, and remember that lots of people care about you.

*hug*

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

Brush your teeth, too. It feels a little better.

[jendurrfukt.livejournal.com]

I wish I could just hold your hand until things got better.

[girfan.livejournal.com]

What everyone else said-I understand what you are saying.

Hang in there-you rock!

[lee-chaos.livejournal.com]

Time for a pint.

I'm seeing elements of this 'Creeping Brain Rot', as you so eloquently put it, in everyone I love and care about.

I think it's symptomatic of C21 living. And I think it hits hard because we expect to be above and beyond this shit. We, the Ubermensch, the ones who achieve and care and live our lives outside the daily grind, we're getting our rough edges sanded off by the continual, relentless demands of the world.

And it embarrasses us somewhat that we can't get our shit together unassisted.

So the *new* strength, as I see it, is actually in saying, 'hey, I'm a bit fucked up right now... help?' - which is exactly what you've done. And allowing ourselves to actully feel the safety-net of friendship below us when we fall, even a miniscule bit, before we bounce back up.

Not being able to say the words is not the same as not being able to demonstrate the feelings. And even from 100s of miles away I know you care about me as much as I do about you.

And I'm not even drunk right now.

So we'll put this one in the 'to be continued over a Moosehead' file and hope that's sooner rather than later.

Thinking of you.

[silentq.livejournal.com]

Thanks for posting this. *hugs*
I empathise. Hang in there, support yourself and let the rest of us deal with the rest of us. :)

[ex-unagothae16.livejournal.com]

I hear you. I empathize.

*kicks my urge to give helpful advice in the head*

You aren't alone. Looks alot like the people who care about you understand why you aren't behaving as usual these days and care about you just like you are. Those are good friends to have.

I feel a pain very similar to yours and want to soothe it, but I don't know how. So, I'll just say you have my best wishes for a speedy triumph over the brain rot.

(specializing in verbose "me too" posts since 1999)

[siani-hedgehog.livejournal.com]

i really do understand. a bit, anyways. i call it my black moods. i'm just on my way out of one of these, the worst i've had in at least 10 years, and for the past many months i've been unable to go outside alone, often even as far as the back garden. last week, for no real reason, something changed, and i felt better. i think my brain just went from total panic mode into "nothing to lose" mode. anyways, it's wonderful, so i wish the same for you. i'm not much use at the best of times, and even less so when i'm in the fucking scottish borders, but if there's ever *anything* i could do to help, let me know. i will buy you many beers (or good single malt scotch whisky, or things with umbrellas in) next time i see you.

[faerierhona.livejournal.com]

I have just started to claw my way out of the same "not being able to be there" stage. And you left so many comments for me during that which helped! I understand completely, and consider you to be very brave for speaking out like this.

If there is anything someone thousands of miles away can do to help, or even just to make you smile, yell and I'll wave my wand :-)

[individuation.livejournal.com]

Been there... and i'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
Lots of folks love you.
If you ever feel the need to escape your normal environment - you are always welcome here.

*hugs*

[rufus.livejournal.com]

creeping brain rot, that's a good description.

I, too, have been there (more recently than I'd like, frankly, especially with the "I don't want to carry the extra 50 pounds" part) and here's hoping the view improves soon.

[bar-bar-ella.livejournal.com]

Love from across the oceans, babe. *pint* *hug*

[elusis.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew what to say to you that would help, that would make things better.

Of course, if I knew, I could say it to myself as well.

I hear you talk about functioning while feeling like shit, about moving to try to stay ahead of the depression, about how much work it is, and I think "damn, I could have said that myself." I'm sure we're not identical; mine is much more fuelled by loneliness and fear, by not feeling securely attached than it is by stagnation. But the way it feels... that's so familiar.

For me, what's hard is that when I say "I hurt," some of the responses I get are not just... unhelpful, but accidentally make things worse. Sometimes the contrast between what I want and what I get puts me deeper into the hole than I was before, and then I wish I hadn't said anything at all.

I dunno, in your "frozen" state, if you've read any of the filtered stuff I've posted in the past week or two about why things feel like shit for me just now, but it's been hard for me to say as much as I have out of fear that 1) people will say meaningless, "soothing" things that will set me off or 2) it'll come back to bite me in the ass.

I wish I had an answer for either of us.

[elixxir.livejournal.com]

Wow. I'm so glad you wrote this. Not because there's a damned thing I can do or say to help you, but at least because I can relate. You're not alone as the plethora of responses to this can attest, though it likely won't stop you from feeling that way. Woman, you're the only person I know who would volunteer to go look at a dead body with someone you haven't spent any quality time alone with in ages. You are one in a million. And I sincerely hope you can find a way to battle through this to appreciate how special you are.

[kest]

*draws you a bath. makes you tea. puts you to bed.*

Hope you feel better soon.

[starstraf.livejournal.com]

I know I have been in similiar situation, but the odd thing is I can't see it from where I am now. I had years in Chicago where I didn't leave the house except for existance (goto work, come home) and that took talking myself into it every day. But the odd part is that when I look back on that time I almost see it as a spectator. Many other points in my life I can think back and know what I was feeling / thinking but not the pits of depression.

[xthlcm.livejournal.com]

"Creeping Brain Rot"

heh.

I agree that it's the lethargy of depression that's the worst -- emotional, physical, mental. Forcing yourself into activity is always a good first step for me, but it's not always enough. Sometimes it's more than just a dip in the personality timeplot -- you need to use the momentum to get moving on other things that are pulling you down. Sometimes it's fixing a bad situation, sometimes it's unfucking your head by yourself, sometimes it's even changing the meds.

Anyway, thanks so much for having the consideration to let us know what's going on. Just shows that not only do you have a strong group of friends that care enough to worry, but you've got enough of a grip to ride this through.

If you need a getaway or a visit, I'm your man.