J is for all the Junk in my head

[the_siobhan]

I've been conducting an experiment on my brain. I didn't actually intend to conduct an experiment on my brain. In fact it's only been this past week that I figured out that I was doing was essentially conducting an experiment on my brain.

Mostly what I've been doing is neglecting (again) the maintenance work that stops me from getting more depressed. So my brain chemistry gets worse. Only at the same time I have other stuff going on in my life that is producing lots of the happy brain chemicals. So I don't notice that I'm getting worse. So like the disease (or whatever you want to call it) continues to progress but without any symptoms.

Until one day when my head exploded and I was left sitting in the shrapnel and wondering what just happened.

So yeah. That was kind of neat, in a "Oh wow. Look at what pushing that button does!" kind of way.

On the plus side, the lack of symptoms means that getting back into the maintenance side of things will pretty much be a piece of cake.

Comments

[tristam08.livejournal.com]

Anything I can help you with?

[(Anonymous)]

It's a funny coincidence that you should talk about depression now. Yesterday (the 20th) I had anxiety attack. John was with me and was asking about genetics. He asked me how you deal with it, and if you get it often. I figured you do similar things I do with the maintenance. I do exercises, meditation, take B vitamins, eat anti-depressant foods, and all that. but no matter what I do, Autumn is the worst time of the year for it. I always crash in the Fall. It's gonna be a bitch if/when I decide to have kids and they have the same problems.

Jenn*

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

One of the things that I've had to come to terms with is the fact that just because I'm not feeling the depression at any given time doesn't mean it's gone away. I'm pretty sure that for me it's a lifelong condition - like a heart condition or diabetes. And I can't stop taking my medicine just because I happen to feel good right this minute.

My medicine is pretty much exactly what you describe - regular exercise and eating properly are both big things. Enough sleep turns out to be a major factor. (Who knew?) I think good social contact is important, but not too much of it - I have to find a healthy balance between spending too much time with other people and exhausting my resources or spending too much time alone and disappearing inside my own head.

I don't have a problem with SAD myself. If anything I have the opposite because the shitty air quality in the summer makes it harder for me to get enough exercise. I know a lot of people who do though, and some of them have had good results from using a light box.

[(Anonymous)]

I have a lighbox. The problem is remembering to use it. I have the same problem where I tend to mistake not feeling depressed with not having a mood disorder anymore. I tend to think I've healed, like I'm all better now. It's a serious slap in the face when I'm greeted with reality. If I remembered, I would use it more often, even when I'm feeling ok. I think I'll pull it out now. I can see how lack of sleep can contribute to it. Insomnia leads to stress which can act as a trigger.

My parents used to say that having depression is like having diabetes. They would say "Is your mom a "broken" human being? or any less of a person because she has diabetes? Few people are perfectly healthy." But it wouldn't really change the fact that I feel like crap for having it, and even crappier that it's invisible to most people. Not only that, the people who have had bad experiences with others who have bipolar are going to avoid you like a disease. As a result, I'm always paranoid that a loved one is going to leave or I imagine my free will is taken away as I'm dragged away into an asylum or something ridiculous.

So, I'm entertaining the frame of mind where I'm not "broken" but rather different. Everyone is a bit different and require slightly different conditions for their health and happiness. Some animals need to live in a particular climate, some need more of certain foods, some are more active than others. It's the same with human beings in general except the conditions are a little less drastic than the difference between snakes and cheetahs. (did that sentence make sense grammatically?)

Jenn*

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I'm of the opinion that looking at things that way is a lot more productive. It's actually been really useful for me to interact with people with differences like Aspergers or who are inter-sexed. I fiercely defend their right to be different from the mean, why the hell can't I do the same for myself?